No Longer a Big Sister - Now What?

 On December 26th, I was 68 years old.  That date should have been my baby brother's 62nd Birthday, and my 62nd year as a big sister.  However, he left this world and all its suffering behind on December 23rd.  On the 22nd I was present when he received the Apostolic Pardon and Blessing.  Just as I had held his hand and walked him home when we were kids at Christ the King School, I walked him as far as I could and kept him safe as long as I could.  I handed him over to God on the 22nd, and on the 23rd, he went home.

It is so very difficult not to make the past three years all about me.  It feels like I have lost so much - first with Mama and now with my brother but....I am not alone.....He is being mourned by a wife and children and grandchildren and a host of wonderful friends all over the state.  His extended family mourns him.  The extended family has been lovely to me and kind of watching out for me during this time.  I deeply appreciate it because my grief is just....weird. Complicated.  I am angry at him for all the time he wasted living a lifestyle that kept us from being as close as we could have been.  He scared me so much toward the end of his life but now that I understand the nature of the diseases he was battling - unknown, at the time, to him! - I can let a little of that fear and anger go...a bit at a time.  But the waves of regret hit me - if only...if only...if only....where did I go wrong? What were my mistakes?  What did I miss?  If only...If only....If only.

There was a great quote that showed up in my email inbox this morning from the late Mother Angelica, founder of EWTN.  It basically reminded me not to beat myself up for my feelings, for being human...and reminded me that Faith and Fear and Sadness can all coexist...because I am always striving to be better and to deny my feelings, to ignore my thoughts is lying.....Lying to God and to myself....and we don't want to be like Satan, the father of lies.

So I refuse to put these thoughts and fears and tears aside.  I am no longer someone's daughter or someone's big sister.  My parents are gone, my brother is gone.  I am left to try and carry on traditions that no one but me seems to even care about and so I find myself letting them slip away...slowly and slowly and slowly....no inside Christmas decorations this year except for the display of cards.  I did put out my Advent Wreath and prayed every day....I didn't give that up.

I'm sad and I am tired.  

I will survive this, of course, and I am going to be okay....

But I am sad and I am tired and that is not going to change anytime soon.

Please keep us in prayer.....