I am blessed today to have a group of women in my life who acknowledge their own failings, their own lack of humility and their struggles with pride. To listen to them speak honestly about themselves is to hear them enumerate their failing to live up the program, to live the Faith, to live up to the standards they have embraced.
Not many people do this because it is not popular today. It is considered 'negative self talk' rather than an 'honest evaluation of my shortcomings'. I understand the difference - one has no purpose other than to be manipulative. It is done not to be honest and to find a solution; rather, it is done with the hope that someone listening will interrupt me and say, "Oh no, Leslie, don't talk that way about yourself. Don't admit you struggle with obesity. Don't admit you struggle with pride. Don't say out loud that you get angry, hurt and defensive.". The other, however, is done as an admission - even at group level - that I have failed one more time to be the person I want to be in order to bring the Light of Christ to my corner of the world.
That is where I am at today - I am trying, with a true intention - to simply give up my 'right' to be right. I am sacrificing my need to be heard, acknowledged, understood, cared for, thought well of.....all of it, I hand over to the God of my understanding.
My morning meditation today included this from Holy Scripture:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make straight your paths."
I am letting go of my own insight and I am going to accept an unflattering opinion of me expressed to me, by someone in an area of ministry I love. I was hurt by the words but it was necessary. I am not going to defend myself. I am simply going to say to the woman, and to God, "Thank you for sharing my failings with me. That will never happen again".
I am then going to move forward with, again, the intention of being guided by the Holy Spirit. However God wishes me to serve His Church and His people?
I will let go of the way I want to serve, the way I think I am best suited and the way I LOVE to serve. I will step back and put myself at God's disposal.
If I am supposed to be in any kind of active ministry? It will be revealed.
If I am only to be quiet and in the background - a prayer support - I will do that for Him
I want to be a saint. It's up to Him to show me how.