Pneumonia!

 A week ago yesterday I had the 'medical emergency' the Advise Nurse Line always asks the caller about as you are routed for help (if you think you are having a psychiatric or medical emergency, please call...).  I called 911 and turned myself in to a wonderful group of professionals who diligently cared for me over the next 8 to 10 hours.  It was discovered that I have a 'large pneumonia on the left side through the lower lobe', which (apparently) is pretty darn serious.  I have been dealing with the discovery ever since and, once again, found myself learning huge spiritual lessons.

My late brother dealt with horrific pain the last month of his life.  I will never claim to feel what I do not feel because of witnessing his experience.  That being said, I have had three different body parts replaced AND one joint reconstructed and man, oh, man this pneumonia thing HURTS.  WHO KNEW?  I didn't!  I seriously didn't know pneumonia can hurt but I know better now.  I thought, for the previous week, I had been dealing with trapped gas.  In fact when I was in the ambulance, and the EMT gave me a shot of fentanyl, I told him that if it turned out that the pain I was feeling was trapped gas I was going to be horribly embarrassed.   

I learned two things - it wasn't (trapped gas) and fentanyl doesn't last long enough.

Here at home I have been at the mercy of my own fears.  Everyone knows the number one fear - I live alone.  What happens if I get sick again?  Who is going to help me?

Well let me tell you - I have never in my life been so loved and cared for as I have this past week.  Friends have stepped forward in incredibly practical ways.  Shopping, dog care, sitting in the house while I take a shower so I can be safe - they have been there every step of the way.  My mail has been picked up.  My dogs have been walked.  I have received daily check ins from relatives across the country.  Tomorrow my bestie best best is going to come help me do some light housekeeping and change the bedding to fresh sheets and pillowcases.  I have been loved and cared for and it has been amazing.  I am so very, very grateful.

I've been able to watch three Oscar Nominated films and give people my unsolicited opinion (Flower Moon - amazing. Oppenheimer - outstanding.  Barbie - pretentious hogwash.  BUT what do I know?) and I am on the hunt to find American Fiction since I am not yet well enough to leave the house and see it in the theatre.  My appetite is coming back even if my strength is still iffy.  I am getting better.  I won't be out dancing soon, but I am getting better.

The Spirituality of Illness is a real thing.  I have been frightened and lonely while I am sick.  I got mad at both my brother and my mother while I have struggled this week to breath and stand the pain.  I have told God exactly how I felt about the entire situation and He listened and comforted me and reminded me that I have tools today to use in order to weather the storm.  It is not enough to just say, "Offer it up!". One must know WHAT we are offering up.  And you cannot know the WHAT without prayer and contemplation.

The WHAT for me is always the fear of being alone, unwanted and unnecessary.  While that has lessened tremendously since making sure I daily recite the Litany of Humility it is still an ongoing character flaw that I must recognize and be willing to offer to Jesus as my Sacrifice of Self.  Perhaps it is rooted in childhood.  Perhaps it is simply my inability to grow the flip up.  No matter the cause, it is the flaw in my character that keeps me running to the Father for help, because I need it.  I need Him to fill that need.

I am blessed.  I am blessed beyond measure and I cannot thank the people who have helped me enough this past week.  May God keep me close, because that is where I want to be - close to Him and all His Kids.