What Am I Called to BE

 Advent begins and the Gospel readings point to what I am called to be today - a follower of Christ, a Catholic woman, an Aunt, a Sister, a Friend. 

But what is my station in life now?  What am I being called to be today, December 1st, in the year of Our Lord 2020?

I begin with an examination of what is my reality. 

 I am a widow. 

 I am an orphan.  

Granted, I came to the reality of orphan late in life.  I am hardly a child shivering in the cold, or crying myself to sleep in someone else's house because the parents I knew are no longer on this plane of existence.  To pretend that losing parents by the time I am 64 is somehow equal to losing them when you are 10  or 6 or even 18 would be pretty dramatic, even for me.

However, I am struck by the change in my life since Mama died.  Before that, I only had one parent's grave to tend.  I only had one set of memories to adjust.  When a movie came on tv that reminded me of my Dad I only had one parent to stop myself from calling.

Last night, as I started to drive home, I automatically hit the Bluetooth call button on the steering wheel of my car.  I then asked the automated voice to call Mom. It rang one time before I remembered there was no one there to answer the call.  I clicked it off and started to cry.  

She died in May and I had forgotten she wasn't there at the house.  I forgot I have no one there to call and say, "I am on my way home, do you need me to stop for anything at the store?  What would you like for dinner?".  

My father was not a good father, as I have shared with my readers in the past.  However, the end of our relationship on earth was good.  We were reconciled with each other, he had reconciled with The Church and the last words I spoke to him were, "I love you".  Even so, I am keenly aware that my relationship with him was different than my relationship with Mom.  It was full of scar tissue, held together with spit and bailing wire, as he would have said.  Yet even a fragile relationship means something and it took me many years to stop reaching for the phone when the original version of The Thing or Hitchcock's Psycho came on AMC.    

I know this and I know that it will take longer for my heart to catch up with my head regarding my Mother.  I have come to terms with the fact that neither of my parents ever really liked me, but I know my Mother loved me and appreciated the 28 years of peace I gave her by remaining free of alcohol and drugs since 1992.  I know she was proud of my accomplishment of putting myself through grad school without any financial help from her.  I know she wanted me to be safe and well taken care of in my old age because she knew I had sacrificed a bit of my own independence to try and be something stable and strong for the family.  

I guess it will be okay to forget, once in awhile, that she is not at the house.  What I want to never forget is that she is home.

My reality is that I am a widow and I am an orphan.  My reality is that both these stations in life can carry great spiritual significance.  I am free to give my grief to a God so powerful and amazing that He stepped into time and space, took on a human nature and did it all to mend the rift caused by man with Him.  He did not have to do that, but He did and I thank Him. Cue the music.

I can be a prayer warrior today.  I can be someone who helps others.

What I don't want to be, however, is someone who denies their grief.  I think that would be harmful and I think being a good steward of myself, self-supporting through my own contributions if you will, is necessary if I am to live up to the responsibilities being a widow and an orphan create. 

Prayer, penance and reaching out to others is going to be necessary.  I cannot let my pride prevent me from saying to those I trust, "I need some comfort right now - are you available?".

My station in life is this: I am a widow.  I am an orphan.  My job now is to pray. And your job is to pray with me.

Let's pray for peace in the world.  Let's pray for an end to rancor and distrust and anger.  Let's pray for a return to reasonable behavior.

Let's pray that those who cut themselves off from others because of politics find the Love and Mercy of Jesus in their hearts.

Most of all, let's pray a prayer of Thanksgiving - and then let's go out there and be Catholic, Out Loud.