Good God, What a WEEK!

This has been, beyond a doubt, one of the toughest weeks I have had in a long time. I have been challenged and pummeled and poked and prodded and quite frankly, I am done.  I have reached my limit.  I am at the end of my rope.  I have hit the brick wall.

Do you get it or do I have to come up with some more cheesy metaphors?

Suffice to say I am struggling with the reality that is my life and the dreams I have of what life could be (and should be, in my humble opinion).  Whenever this happens - whenever I am sort of brought to a halt and made to look hard at what is going on around me - I always end up in tears on the side of the road somewhere, or before the Blessed Sacrament begging for help, or sitting in the back row of chairs in a 12 Step meeting I never go to, wearing sunglasses and hoping everyone thinks I am sniffling because of a cold or because I have an addiction to cocaine - anything but the truth. 

And what is the truth?

The truth is I am discouraged, I am hurting, I am tired, I am disheartened and I want to run away to Denver.

For those who do not know me, 'running away to Denver' is code for going somewhere no one would ever think to look for me.  I chose Denver years ago because I hate the Denver Broncos.  I also do not particularly like Colorado.   I figured if I went to Denver my friends would never look for me there.  They would be scouring the streets of Manhattan, London, Rome or Toronto (Keanu Reeves lives in Toronto).  I would be safe in Denver.

Now what has brought on this latest bout of self pity? 

Nothing in particular.  I mean, look, the scandals in Washington are stupid but I am one of those people who expect the Government to lie to me.  I have never read the history of any era in American politics that spoke of the inherent honesty of our leaders and their willingness to share all that is going on with the great unwashed.    Unlike so many I am not shocked by learning that government officials at the highest levels have acted in direct opposition to American ideals, skirted dangerously close to breaking the law and out right spat on the US Constitution.  I have always figured that every administration - irregardless of which party is in power - does stuff that I would go to jail for if I did it.

As far as I am concerned, the unwritten rule of American Political Life is "When you get caught, you will be vilified and the American People will be Outraged".

We were outraged at the McCarthy Hearings (never mind that the government at the time was riddled with Soviet Spies - Joe McCarthy was a drunk and an idiot and anyone who testified against the Communists were horrid).  We were outraged when we found out about the Tuskegee Experiment and we have been outraged by Japanese Internment Camps and we have been outraged by the FBI targeting the Black Panthers and the Catholic Workers Movement.

Once we express our outrage there is appropriate debate among the intelligentsia about stricter controls over the government, the necessary protections we owe our US Constitution and our way of life and the reason we have to make sure this never happens again. 

The next time it happens it is disguised:  Instead of Internment Camps it is Gitmo.  Instead of the Communists and the Black Panthers it is The Tea Party and the Catholic League.  Instead of the Tuskegee Experiment it is unregulated abortion mills.

Right now, I am sitting here looking at a job that requires a specific level of manpower and resources to do correctly and I am absolutely certain I will not be given either; rather, I will be held responsible for the failure of the new system.  Me, and my ilk, will be vilified in the press for being lazy government workers who just want more benefits and more money.  No one will point out to them that their local and county officials are spending millions of taxpayer dollars on IT systems that fail because no one bothered to find out if they would actually WORK before they BOUGHT them.  No one will pay attention when I say, "We need the system to do such-and-such because we do not have the business processes in place to do it the way you have it set up now" only to be told that no one thought of that, despite the fact that the people who bought the systems in the first place make three times the monthly salary I make AND will be getting RAISES at the end of the year.  I won't.  I'm just a lazy government worker who is sucking the taxpayer dry.

So I am discouraged today.  I feel like everything I was taught as a child about hard work, education and determination is a lie.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I can't win for losing.

I feel like going to Denver.

Have a great weekend, everyone...please pray with me and for me that this Pentecost fills the hearts of the Faithful with a fire for justice, for holiness and for TRUTH.

Today is the Feast of St Matthias

I shall walk in the path of freedom for I seek your precepts.

I will speak of your will before kings and not be abashed.

An old friend of mine passed away on Monday.  Chuck Muncie, Cal football star, NFL player and like-minded and similarly afflicted friend died of a heart attack at age 60.  He was a man who wanted to be a big shot, a football hero, a superstar and instead he ended up living the kind of quiet life that influences so many.  No one was hounding him for photo opportunities during his later years but there were a bunch of kids who did not do wrong because he showed them what lay in store for them if they do.  He was a good man.

I thought of him in relation to St Matthias, the guy chosen to replace Judas by the Apostles.  I can imagine him standing there, all ready to do one thing (his plan for his life) when suddenly he is thrust into a brand new role.

Not a lot is known about this early saint.  Some say he was a martyr, others that he died of old age in Jerusalem.

The Synopsis of Dorotheus contains this tradition:


Matthias in interiore Æthiopia, ubi Hyssus maris portus et Phasis fluvius est, hominibus barbaris et carnivoris praedicavit Evangelium. Mortuus est autem in Sebastopoli, ibique prope templum Solis sepultus. ("Matthias preached the Gospel to barbarians and meat-eaters in the interior of Ethiopia, where the sea harbor of Hyssus is, at the mouth of the river Phasis. He died at Sebastopolis, and was buried there, near the Temple of the Sun.")

What I imagine is an early disciple of Our Lord, content to follow him and be taught by The Apostles.  Suddenly,  his name is thrown into the hat for a big job and the guy must have been thinking, 'What happened here?  I just left to go get some water and suddenly I'm an Apostle?".

Ok so maybe he was more gracious than that; who knows?  What made me connect Matthias with Chuck is the idea that they both started off with an idea of what their lives would be like and neither one of them came even close to hitting the mark.  However, the very talents and personality that made the one dream seem feasible made their eventual reality possible.

Maybe that is how we all need to walk this path.

Whaddya think?

Follow Up and Follow Through

My post about family really hurt my nephew and my niece and that was not my intention.  However, because I try to live by a code that states that loving is better than being loved, understanding is better than being understood, I took the post down.  Why make a child upset?

I could easily have argued the finer points of my argument and pointed out what I was saying but why bother?  Again, being understood is overrated.  Being loved and admired can cause flares of egomania.

Suffice to say I am fully aware of my own shortcomings and how I am viewed by people.  I get my place, I accept it and as I have stated in the past the freedom from the bondage of self is amazing.  Letting go of the need to be loved by human beings is a long and drawn out process and I would imagine it will take the rest of my life here on earth to work through the various levels of dependencies and fantasies and needs that bind me to this earth.  I get it.  I still would like to have season tickets in a luxury box for the Niner games.  I would love to own my own home in the country overlooking a river but high enough up from it not to be flooded out every other season.  I would still like people to love me.  Some stuff is never going to happen and other stuff may but it should never be my goal.  My goal should be to satisfy my hunger for love by striving for closer communion with Jesus. 

So there you have it.  I have been spanked again and I have been forgiven.  Time to move forward.

Question of the day:

HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE A BULLY?

Big apology!

I upset my nephew Stephen and my niece Jillian with a blog post.  It was unintentional.  I apologize, it has been removed and I hope they can forgive me.

I hope they can remember that the woman they are currently angry with is someone who loves them and stood up for them against great odds.

If not, I accept their anger and will pray for their forgiveness someday.

Good night.

Happy Sober Birthday to ME

On May 4th I celebrated 21 years of continuous sobriety.  Thanks to 12 Step, 12 Traditions, a Church that guides me and God who loves me more than He wants me to like Him I have a life today that is second to none.

I do not have, however, the life I wanted.  Heck, I don't even have the life I STILL want.  I want a life free from financial concerns.  I want a life that includes a united and loving family.  I want the people I love to go to heaven.  I want to be taller.

The lesson I am learning every day is being happy does not have to include having what you want all the time, nor does it mean a life free from trouble and strife, worry and turmoil.  I am learning that being happy means I am focused on one thing and that thing is my path to heaven.

Not being of the mind that all paths to heaven are equally valid, I do wish those I loved would join me on The Way.  I understand, however, that this is probably never going to be a reality I experience.  Over the weekend, my friend Terry told me about a letter written by an elderly uncle of his years ago lamenting how none of the children were actively practicing the Faith when only a short time ago their own ancestors were willing to die to defend it.  We know that Faith is the same.  Methinks it is the people that have changed.  Rather than defending the Eucharist to the death, they are willing to defend to the death their right to walk away from Him in the name of freedom and political correctness.  That is just plain sad.

Today I know that being sober allows me to look at history, my life, my behavior and what is going on around me with a clear head.  That, however, is not enough.  It is not enough for me to look at things without being muddled by alcohol and drugs.  I must always be willing to look at life with the eyes of Faith.  No matter what pops up in the news, I have to ask myself, "How is the Holy Spirit at work in this situation right now?".  That is not always easy, as I am a sentimental woman with an overly developed sense of justice.  I want what I want when I want it and it is because I am right, doncha know. 

Well, no matter what I know today I am sober.  I am willing to not drink for one more day.  I can see clearly now and I know that whatever rain may fall in my life it is probably a good cover for the grace that falls all the time - and I, no matter what, will be ok.

Please hold my intentions before the Blessed Sacrament today.  My heart aches for some loved ones who are going through hell without the comfort of Jesus and His Church.  I know what that is like - and it sucks.