Funny.
One of my biggest fears has always been the fear of being left behind - no not in that whole False Theology Kirk Cameron Bad Movie Script way. I mean literally just left somewhere and forgotten. The little old lady living all alone in the house on the block - the one with 19 cats and the giant white Cadillac - would end up being me.
I have made huge mistakes in my life as a result of this fear and the best part of the last year has been learning NOT to repeat those mistakes, to just let things be and learn how to truly accept forever what my role might be in the world. To stop worrying so much about stuff that hasn't happened yet has been a big goal of mine for 2013.
The past five days I have had Thanksgiving Dinner with just one other person and put up my own Christmas lights and by golly I am feeling pretty darn good about the who thing.
Now, let's be completely honest (and shame the devil) and say I attended a lovely dinner on Friday with some of the best members of my family on the face of the earth. I love them to pieces. We had the full on turkey dinner AND got to play with a 3 year old so how cool is life?
However, the past few days has given me more of an idea of what life may be like for me in, say, two or three years.
What I am thinking is this: It was not too bad.
Today I put up my own Christmas lights. I think what I will start doing in January every year is putting aside a few dollars so I can hire one of those companies that advertises putting up lights for people so I do not have to climb a ladder alone. That's not being lazy - that is just being safe.
I also see the value in having a decorating party when I am by myself so I can have people over to help me put up the artificial tree and hang the decorations.
Yes, I think God has really got my back …and I think it is going to be A-OKAY!
HAPPY NEW YEAR, CATHOLICS!!!
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Thankful 2013
The past year has been very difficult for me. I made a careless and hurtful remark on Christmas Eve 2012 and, despite numerous attempts to apologize and make amends I have been ostracized. It has torn me up in ways no one will ever know. I pray constantly for the person who once loved me and now hates me. It really hurts.
My health has been precarious. I have lost almost 150 pounds and still have about 25 to go and those last 25 refuse to leave me. I go to the gym three times a week, eat healthy and try not to obsess over how I look but I am still a fat, ugly chick trying to be acceptable in world that values what it sees and rarely what people do or are - until they make a mistake, and then everyone from Bill O'Reilly to Keith Oberman become the standard bearers of proper behavior and good character.
I have struggled with the cross of loneliness, having come to the conclusion that being open to the Sacrament of Marriage means very little if men do not find one attractive.
The job has been a heartbreaker. I am finding myself overwhelmed with the prospect of trying to provide services to people with too little help and shaky resources. I have been accused of trying to take over from a higher up when that was the last thing motivating me in any way, shape or form. I leave my office most days near tears because the ability to do a good job is no longer measured in output and production; rather it is measured in my ability to get through the day without running screaming into the parking lot or being talked down from the roof of the building.
I lost some dear friends this year. I said good bye to people who have sustained me with love, laughter and support for more than 20 years. It was difficult to say good bye.
Everything I have written so far is absolutely true. It has been a rough year. Yet, I am grateful for 2013 - grateful because I discovered somethings about myself.
1. I am stronger than I thought.
2. I do not need to eat chocolate to survive (though an occasional piece is lovely)
3. I may WANT to be loved by Creatures but I do not NEED to be loved by Creatures.
4. My spirituality is fathomless, but worth exploring.
5. All those hours of theology study pay off.
6. Niners are great - winning or losing.
People like me often make the mistake of thinking that life needs to be smooth as silk in order for one to be happy. The reality is, if one is a Catholic, we know that we are called each day to pick up our cross and follow The Lord. We know that suffering has a value, that emotions do not need to rule our intellect and that faith and reason go together. While I often become impatient with the two types of moral relativism I see (I don't believe in God or the It doesn't matter what I do, God loves me) in the world I understand more than most the necessity of love and tolerance. I may not always practice those virtues well, but I hold myself to a pretty high standard so when I fail believe me I know I am failing.
I will never not love my family - even when they stop loving me. I will never not show up for work determined to do a good job - even if the definition of such eludes me. I will never stop being a practicing Catholic - even when it is no longer politically correct to be one.
I learned all these values I hold dear from life - my experience, strength and hope is my foundation.
For that?
Hey, I am really really THANKFUL.
Have a wonderful day tomorrow, people. God bless you all!
My health has been precarious. I have lost almost 150 pounds and still have about 25 to go and those last 25 refuse to leave me. I go to the gym three times a week, eat healthy and try not to obsess over how I look but I am still a fat, ugly chick trying to be acceptable in world that values what it sees and rarely what people do or are - until they make a mistake, and then everyone from Bill O'Reilly to Keith Oberman become the standard bearers of proper behavior and good character.
I have struggled with the cross of loneliness, having come to the conclusion that being open to the Sacrament of Marriage means very little if men do not find one attractive.
The job has been a heartbreaker. I am finding myself overwhelmed with the prospect of trying to provide services to people with too little help and shaky resources. I have been accused of trying to take over from a higher up when that was the last thing motivating me in any way, shape or form. I leave my office most days near tears because the ability to do a good job is no longer measured in output and production; rather it is measured in my ability to get through the day without running screaming into the parking lot or being talked down from the roof of the building.
I lost some dear friends this year. I said good bye to people who have sustained me with love, laughter and support for more than 20 years. It was difficult to say good bye.
Everything I have written so far is absolutely true. It has been a rough year. Yet, I am grateful for 2013 - grateful because I discovered somethings about myself.
1. I am stronger than I thought.
2. I do not need to eat chocolate to survive (though an occasional piece is lovely)
3. I may WANT to be loved by Creatures but I do not NEED to be loved by Creatures.
4. My spirituality is fathomless, but worth exploring.
5. All those hours of theology study pay off.
6. Niners are great - winning or losing.
People like me often make the mistake of thinking that life needs to be smooth as silk in order for one to be happy. The reality is, if one is a Catholic, we know that we are called each day to pick up our cross and follow The Lord. We know that suffering has a value, that emotions do not need to rule our intellect and that faith and reason go together. While I often become impatient with the two types of moral relativism I see (I don't believe in God or the It doesn't matter what I do, God loves me) in the world I understand more than most the necessity of love and tolerance. I may not always practice those virtues well, but I hold myself to a pretty high standard so when I fail believe me I know I am failing.
I will never not love my family - even when they stop loving me. I will never not show up for work determined to do a good job - even if the definition of such eludes me. I will never stop being a practicing Catholic - even when it is no longer politically correct to be one.
I learned all these values I hold dear from life - my experience, strength and hope is my foundation.
For that?
Hey, I am really really THANKFUL.
Have a wonderful day tomorrow, people. God bless you all!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Bullies Then and Now
There has been a great deal of attention paid to the problem of bullies in school. Being bullied, being a bully - both sides of the question has been examined over and over as it is one of the new 'cause celebres' of the sociologist set.
Don't get me wrong. Being bullied is horrible. That feeling of "What is going on here?" is so discombobulating that it can take years and years for someone to get over it.
What I think is kind of funny is that, if you ask most people today what their opinion is of this problem, they will tell you how THEY were bullied as children. I have yet to hear anyone my age say something like, "I was a horrible bully as a child. I just really like lording it over other people and it gave me a lot of satisfaction to make other cry and feel left out".
Yet everyone of us has a story about being bullied and I find that interesting.
I can think of the times when I was the odd girl out at Christ the King. Shoot, a lot of my perpetrators are now friends of mine on Facebook (at their instigation) which I find hilarious.
What really sticks out in my mind, however, is the time I bullied a kid in second grade because I was so afraid that if I didn't the gaggle of horrible girls that were the Queen Bees of the Class would treat me like they treated him.
I did not step up.
Ok...granted...I was 8 but I will never forget Carl Ford's face when we all tore up his St Valentine's Day Cards because we didn't like him
Years later, when I was about two years sober, I tracked him down at a school function. I asked him to dance and I told him how sorry I was for being such a cowardly little creep back then.
To his credit, he laughed (to his credit he was THERE). He told me not to worry about it anymore, that we were just kids back then and he had been such a socially awkward dork it was no wonder no one liked him.
But then he said something I will never forget. He said, "Thank you, though, for apologizing to me. No one ever has - you are the first".
My hope is that if there are other little former creepy creeps from Christ the King School in Pleasant Hill that read my blog, they might think about finding him and apologizing themselves. I don't expect they will (I don't expect they read this blog) and I know HE doesn't expect them to but it sure would be nice, wouldn't it?
I pledge to give up beating myself up over the incident - 50 years is a long time to carry guilt for being a less than stellar Catholic when I was 8.
What I pledge to never forget is the pain I caused another human being. The minute I forget THAT, the better chance I have of doing it again.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
Don't get me wrong. Being bullied is horrible. That feeling of "What is going on here?" is so discombobulating that it can take years and years for someone to get over it.
What I think is kind of funny is that, if you ask most people today what their opinion is of this problem, they will tell you how THEY were bullied as children. I have yet to hear anyone my age say something like, "I was a horrible bully as a child. I just really like lording it over other people and it gave me a lot of satisfaction to make other cry and feel left out".
Yet everyone of us has a story about being bullied and I find that interesting.
I can think of the times when I was the odd girl out at Christ the King. Shoot, a lot of my perpetrators are now friends of mine on Facebook (at their instigation) which I find hilarious.
What really sticks out in my mind, however, is the time I bullied a kid in second grade because I was so afraid that if I didn't the gaggle of horrible girls that were the Queen Bees of the Class would treat me like they treated him.
I did not step up.
Ok...granted...I was 8 but I will never forget Carl Ford's face when we all tore up his St Valentine's Day Cards because we didn't like him
Years later, when I was about two years sober, I tracked him down at a school function. I asked him to dance and I told him how sorry I was for being such a cowardly little creep back then.
To his credit, he laughed (to his credit he was THERE). He told me not to worry about it anymore, that we were just kids back then and he had been such a socially awkward dork it was no wonder no one liked him.
But then he said something I will never forget. He said, "Thank you, though, for apologizing to me. No one ever has - you are the first".
My hope is that if there are other little former creepy creeps from Christ the King School in Pleasant Hill that read my blog, they might think about finding him and apologizing themselves. I don't expect they will (I don't expect they read this blog) and I know HE doesn't expect them to but it sure would be nice, wouldn't it?
I pledge to give up beating myself up over the incident - 50 years is a long time to carry guilt for being a less than stellar Catholic when I was 8.
What I pledge to never forget is the pain I caused another human being. The minute I forget THAT, the better chance I have of doing it again.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Niners and Health Care - Not a Good Mix!
My mother told me recently that the only reason she voted for Obama for president was because McCain had chosen Palin as his VP choice and I absolutely understand that reasoning. I can remember people flipping out over that woman, touting her as a possible presidential candidate and literally going Ga Ga over her and I was shocked.
I understand that people who have supported the president are now feeling very defensive and sad because of the debacle his Signature Legislation has become - the Affordable Care Act was done with all the good intentions on the planet and the road to hell is paved with just that - but I cannot fathom the way so many of them will rush to defend him even now.
Look, I have no doubt this man wants to be a good man. Many good people think they are doing women a favor by supporting legal abortion in all forms or no-fault divorce laws. Lots of good people think people like me, survivors of both, are religious fanatics who want to 'take rights away' from other women. Ok. I get it. I get that you think women NEED legal abortion and that Obama is a good man.
What I don't get is why, when someone like me says that this piece of legislation has caused tons of problems, I am asked stupid questions like why I want to deny health care to the poor or why I am a racist.
So here is the deal:
1. I am tired of people who never read the legislation or have nothing to do with putting any of it into action criticize me for having an opinion that differs from their opinion.
2. If you believe that people should not be denied health insurance do to a pre-existing condition or that 26 year old men and women need to be on their mom and dad's health insurance, then why did you not support changes in the law that would allow THAT?
3. Why don't you think people are able to make their own decisions about what they want to buy, the level of coverage they want and how they want to manage their own lives?
Maybe I am just a mean old woman. I have been incredibly stupid as a young one and to my surprise stupid hurt. When I hurt enough I stopped doing stupid things. I got help from my family but not without being told I was being stupid and that they were tired of me being just that - stupid. Eventually, I had to learn to take care of myself. I made some decisions to live with my mom so I could be close to my nephew and niece, not because I cannot live on my own. I accept the downside of that decision as well as the upside of that decision. Nothing is ever perfect and I think I have had a pretty good life so far.
I am now worried that I will lose my health care because my employer will decide to force me into the exchange. I am also afraid that I will not be able to afford health care for the first time in my life because of this stupid law.
Not only is it a real fear, it is one that makes me wonder why I even bother trying. I am exhausted with trying to get ahead, to be a productive member of society, to stand on my own two feet.
I trust that God has my back and I am sure that everything will work out. Besides, why worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet, right? I can plan and put money aside for the future and I am a little saving squirrel that is for sure but when all is said and done my life is in the Hands of God.
Besides, the Niners just scored.
Life is ok!
I understand that people who have supported the president are now feeling very defensive and sad because of the debacle his Signature Legislation has become - the Affordable Care Act was done with all the good intentions on the planet and the road to hell is paved with just that - but I cannot fathom the way so many of them will rush to defend him even now.
Look, I have no doubt this man wants to be a good man. Many good people think they are doing women a favor by supporting legal abortion in all forms or no-fault divorce laws. Lots of good people think people like me, survivors of both, are religious fanatics who want to 'take rights away' from other women. Ok. I get it. I get that you think women NEED legal abortion and that Obama is a good man.
What I don't get is why, when someone like me says that this piece of legislation has caused tons of problems, I am asked stupid questions like why I want to deny health care to the poor or why I am a racist.
So here is the deal:
1. I am tired of people who never read the legislation or have nothing to do with putting any of it into action criticize me for having an opinion that differs from their opinion.
2. If you believe that people should not be denied health insurance do to a pre-existing condition or that 26 year old men and women need to be on their mom and dad's health insurance, then why did you not support changes in the law that would allow THAT?
3. Why don't you think people are able to make their own decisions about what they want to buy, the level of coverage they want and how they want to manage their own lives?
Maybe I am just a mean old woman. I have been incredibly stupid as a young one and to my surprise stupid hurt. When I hurt enough I stopped doing stupid things. I got help from my family but not without being told I was being stupid and that they were tired of me being just that - stupid. Eventually, I had to learn to take care of myself. I made some decisions to live with my mom so I could be close to my nephew and niece, not because I cannot live on my own. I accept the downside of that decision as well as the upside of that decision. Nothing is ever perfect and I think I have had a pretty good life so far.
I am now worried that I will lose my health care because my employer will decide to force me into the exchange. I am also afraid that I will not be able to afford health care for the first time in my life because of this stupid law.
Not only is it a real fear, it is one that makes me wonder why I even bother trying. I am exhausted with trying to get ahead, to be a productive member of society, to stand on my own two feet.
I trust that God has my back and I am sure that everything will work out. Besides, why worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet, right? I can plan and put money aside for the future and I am a little saving squirrel that is for sure but when all is said and done my life is in the Hands of God.
Besides, the Niners just scored.
Life is ok!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
OK here is the DRILL - I really really AM grateful!
I received an email today from my cousin Trace. He is currently receiving chemo for cancer and apparently is doing really well. His lovely wife Sara has fleece hats ready for him when he goes bald AND our cousin George got him a lawyer who got him a lawyer who can help him sue the bastids for not catching his cancer sooner. He had actually POINTED IT OUT TO THEM and their response was, "Nah...you are too old to get that type of cancer".
Thank heavens the type he has as like a 99.99% recovery rate and when it comes to these types of statistics my family members really like being part of the norm.
I am grateful for the news. Trace lives far away and I never get to see him but we communicate often. He is really a rock for me in many ways; he challenges me without ever attacking me and allows me to be me without feeling ashamed or stupid.
Now, having said that I do not want to imply that anyone in my family makes me feel ashamed or stupid. We are a tough and resilient bunch but we are extremely sensitive and always on the look out for ways to be angry at each other. I believe we do that in place of blood pressure medicine but I could be wrong.
Ok, so much for being a smarty mouth.
I am experiencing a desperation pray moment and have been in the mode for the past two weeks. A person quite special to me is going through a crisis. I wish I could wave a wand and make the problem go away for them but I cannot and that makes me sad. It also requires me to demonstrate that I love and trust God completely and I trust and love Him enough to storm heaven with my prayers for this gorgeous child of God.
We have all been there - reaching a bottom that seems, as the time, worse than anything we can stand. Some of us survive it and rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Some of us struggle with it forever and end up on the streets, huddled in doorways for warmth or sleeping under bridges. Others die from the blow. I do not know what is in store for the person for whom I am praying but I am willing to put my life between their life and death.
So I am asking for all my prayer warrior friends to please help me and storm heaven. I am sorry I will not give out details. Just ask God to consider my petition.
Thank you. May God bless you today and every day.
Thank heavens the type he has as like a 99.99% recovery rate and when it comes to these types of statistics my family members really like being part of the norm.
I am grateful for the news. Trace lives far away and I never get to see him but we communicate often. He is really a rock for me in many ways; he challenges me without ever attacking me and allows me to be me without feeling ashamed or stupid.
Now, having said that I do not want to imply that anyone in my family makes me feel ashamed or stupid. We are a tough and resilient bunch but we are extremely sensitive and always on the look out for ways to be angry at each other. I believe we do that in place of blood pressure medicine but I could be wrong.
Ok, so much for being a smarty mouth.
I am experiencing a desperation pray moment and have been in the mode for the past two weeks. A person quite special to me is going through a crisis. I wish I could wave a wand and make the problem go away for them but I cannot and that makes me sad. It also requires me to demonstrate that I love and trust God completely and I trust and love Him enough to storm heaven with my prayers for this gorgeous child of God.
We have all been there - reaching a bottom that seems, as the time, worse than anything we can stand. Some of us survive it and rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Some of us struggle with it forever and end up on the streets, huddled in doorways for warmth or sleeping under bridges. Others die from the blow. I do not know what is in store for the person for whom I am praying but I am willing to put my life between their life and death.
So I am asking for all my prayer warrior friends to please help me and storm heaven. I am sorry I will not give out details. Just ask God to consider my petition.
Thank you. May God bless you today and every day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)