Frustration Friday and Help with Life

 Today, I am extremely frustrated.

I am work-frustrated with my inability to reach some of my parents and I am fearful their children are falling through the cracks.

I am government-frustrated with the weirdly wonderful pronouncements coming out of Sacramento 'for my own good' that are flat out stupid.

I am personally-frustrated with the fight I still have every day with grief.  I am getting impatient with it.  I want it to be over yesterday.

The only thing that is not frustrating me right now is my personal health journey.  The NOOM app was a good investment.  I am not so much losing excess weight as I am getting back to mindful eating, looking at what I am doing and treating myself better.

Tonight I get to participate in a fun project to raise money for the Forty Niner Foundation.  I get to be engaged with people I have never met before and try to cook something.  I am looking forward to it.

In other words, on paper, I am normal and doing everything right and yet there is something just missing...and I cannot figure it out.

I have been so grateful to those who have held me in prayer and walked this path with me.  I do not expect anyone to give up their personal time to take care of me.  I understand that life moves on and we must walk through grief with grace and dignity.

In other words, intellectually?  I got this....but my heart still aches and I am still angry at what was not done properly and I still find myself feeling overwhelmed with sadness at times.

What I have added to this mix is increased prayer time.  Grateful for Zoom and YouTube, I have been able to participate more fully as a member of the Order of Preachers in the spirituality that is particular to us.  That brings me comfort.  I would be more comforted if I could do that AND the Niners could win a game or two ....

Walking through a loss is not new to me.  My job for years was 'finding the bodies' - whether the body belonged to my father, my husband, a friend, my uncle or my mom, it was me who found them and me who took the initial shock.  Maybe this last one just caused a pile of sorrow to break through the dam of self control.  I don't know. 

I just would like it to be over.

The holidays approach and I want to hide.  Instead I am stringing up solar lights (even though my stupid neighbor's lights negates one of lovely lit bushes near her home) and I will drag out the Christmas stuff and I will do the deal.

I just don't want to and I hate the idea of putting stuff up just for me.

This holiday season make a point to reach out to those without a friend in the world.  That is not me - shoot, I am blessed beyond measure with good friends and family.  I am going to do what I can to make others feel loved.  

And I am going to just 'feel frustrated' right now.  Feelings are not facts.  I can handle this...one day at a time.