I intended to participate in a private pilgrimage on December 12th in honor of Our Lady of Guadalupe. My plan was to get up, dress appropriately, and walk from my home to my parish at St Joseph’s Catholic Church in Modesto. The walk would have been approximately 5 miles. I would join the community there for Morning Prayer and then participate in the celebration of Holy Mass.
On Monday, December 11th, I suffered a minor
injury that prevented me from walking the five miles.
I was devastated. I
felt as though I was being disobedient to the instructions given to me by our
Chapter Advisor, Brother Lupe. I could
not ‘do a pilgrimage’ so once more, I am a failure.
What happened the night of December 11th was just
‘one more thing’, a straw placed on the back of this mangy donkey that was
threatening to break her. Why wasn’t anything
going right? What am I doing wrong? Wait - maybe this can be salvaged....what can I do today that will stretch me and give me something to work with for my spirituality?
This morning, December 12th, I woke up at 3am to
pray and to contemplate three writings that deal with Penance. Below are my three choices to contemplate and
what follows is the fruit of that contemplation, as I attempt to make sense of
what is happening in my life today.
From the Summa Theologiae/Supplement to the Third
Part/Question 28:
Some penances should
be public and solemn for four reasons.
First, so that a public sin may have a public remedy; secondly, because
he who has committed a very grave crime deserves the greatest confusion even in
this life; thirdly, in order that it may deter others; fourthly, that he may be
an example of repentance, lest those should despair, who have committed
grievous sins.
From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
1450 “penance
requires…the sinner to endure all things willingly, be contrite of heart,
confess with the lips, and practice complete humility and fruitful
satisfaction.”
From Holy Scripture:
Isaiah 43:25: O, I am
He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember
your sins.
Because I am charged to review my life each evening, I am
often confronted with my sins. Seen by
me as ‘character defect in action’ I have to fight my own wounded nature each
day. To walk a pilgrimage in honor of
she who is sinless, the Ark of the New Covenant, was to be my acknowledgment of
both her patronage of my Order and my own unworthiness as a creature. And while the sins confronted in my nightly
examination of conscience have, so far, not been grave or mortal sin (as
addressed in the second reason given for public penances), my sins are always
public and should, therefore, have a public remedy.
How are my sins rarely private?
I come in conflict with people. I
usually have to struggle to either keep my mouth shut or I have to apologize
for not doing so when my sharp words sting.
Because my sins are not private, my penance should not be private. While my sins may not be grave, if I have
committed them in public I must acknowledge them publicly and be willing to
admit and make my amends in a public manner.
Hopefully, the pain and humiliation I experience will serve as a
cautionary tale to anyone watching me, so that they will not commit the same
sins.
I am required to make that apology in a manner that is real
– to be contrite of heart, to endure the public scrutiny of my actions
willingly, to say OUT LOUD that I made a mistake and I hope the person or
people will forgive me and then practice the humility necessary to endure their
reaction. If they need to tell me how
awful I am, then I must be quiet and listen. I do not allow anyone to abuse me, but neither do I wave a banner of 'ABUSE' as a way to escape that which I deserve.
What I must always hold onto in hope, however, is that God
will not remember my sins once I have
admitted to them. For me to go back
to my error over and over, ‘worrying it like a bone’, as my late father would
say, is not an act of humility; rather, it is reverse pride. I admit, I make amends, I gratefully
acknowledge the forgiveness given by a human being or I solemnly accept that
they will not forgive me, and I move on.
A Catholic is privileged in that we have a Sacramental and
Liturgical Life which allows us access to intense graces. Those Sacramental Graces give me the ability
to face the world with my fallen nature in check one more time. It is my responsibility, however, to shore up
those graces regularly and to not pretend I am above the need for help.
While I fell short in our assignment this month and am not
able to physically participate in a long walk, my pilgrimage must be
interior. Sitting quietly this morning,
no sound, no lights of distraction, reading, praying and asking for guidance
from my Dominican saint – Margaret of Castello – I make my interior pilgrimage
in honor of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I
pledge fidelity to her and my love to her and I ask for her prayers.
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