Holy Mackerel, today is not a good day for me.
Normally, I have lots and lots and lots of patience. I have lots and lots and lots of patience because other people have had lots and lots and lots of patience with me.
Today, my patience is frayed and failing. I just want to start screaming, "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK".
This morning this is hitting me harder than normal because I have had one of the worst flare ups in my RA than I have had for a long, long time. I am in so much freaking pain. I have every damn joint on fire, my head hurts like hell, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob. I am limping. I can't sit. I can't stand. DANG it, I am HURTING.
I had a horrible nightmare last night that I was being forced to run a company where every one of the employees had been told what a horrible woman I was and so spent their days coming into my office and telling me what THEY were going to do that day and if I didn't like it I could sit and spin.
I woke up crying. They were so mean! It was the weirdest dream and as I sat up in bed, the pain grabbed me at my hips and my neck and I felt like I was being grabbed and twisted like a pretzel. DANG IT DANG IT DANG IT.
I am so damn grateful to be a Catholic, and a sober Catholic at that, so I can kind of sorta deal with these kinds of days. I do know (deep down in my heart) that as badly as I feel right this minute (the throbbing pain, the swelling, the headache) God has me firmly in His Hands. I am going to be okay. I know that - I am going to be OKAY.
But right now? It doesn't FEEL like I am ever going to be Okay.
It feels like the pain is never going to go away.
It feels like I will never be able to be the woman I would like to be and am condemned to be the woman I am stuck being right now - a pain wracked, shaky, emotionally ripped up old lady feeling horribly sorry for herself and terribly alone. I will be a whiny, hard hearted, nasty woman. I will not be kind or patient or loving ever again.
Oh and the over sensitivity is kicking in high gear as well.
I am unloved.
I am unimportant.
I am old and ugly and in the way.
I am a lousy sponsor.
I am a lousy catechist.
I am a horrible child.
I am a horrible woman.
Good God…this is not a good Sunday. I am trying so hard, but to be honest with you all, I have very little patience today. I should not be talking to anyone. I should simply be shut in my room and wait for the pain to go away - which, of course, it never will go away because (as any alcoholic knows) whatever I am feeling right this minute will be the way I feel forever.
Good thing for me I have a secret weapon - and she is a Dominican!!!!
My little saint I chose when I became a Lay Dominican is Blessed Margaret of Costello.
She was born horribly deformed and blind to a pair of parents who were not only unworthy of being her parents but were, in my opinion, a lot like the parents I see today.
They were narcissistic, selfish, overly concerned with their own lives and should never have been given the chance to be parents.
Yet, God knew what He was doing by giving them the beautiful Margaret.
Margaret was my choice because she had dealt with rejection all her life and did so with incredibly love and trust in God.
She became known for her acts of mercy and charity towards those who were in prison, who were living on the street, marginalized, poor and alone. When she died, the people declared her a saint, based on the wonderful life she had lived in spite of her physical limitations and handicaps.
I want to be like Margaret.
Today, however, that goal is so far out of reach it breaks my heart. I just want to cry. I want my body to stop hurting. I want relief.
I am, however, making a declaration and an intentional act of the will to offer today and all this pain for the conversion and peace of one little gal I know. She is having a tough day because it is Sunday and Sunday is always a challenge for her. And while I doubt I can really do much to help her, I have grown to love her and want her highest good.
So today is for her and for all the others in my life who think no one cares about them.
I care about them.
I wish I could do more, but I can't - so today, they get my suffering offered up for them.
Meanwhile, I will rest and watch Dr Phil and play a computer game or two. I have somewhere to be at 1pm…and I need to be there, I need to do what I am supposed to do today, I need to be at work tomorrow…..
Blessed Margaret of Costello, pray for me.