The prayer I have been whispering in my heart since Sunday has all been around what God's Will is for me.
I would like to think that God's Will for me may involve cashing a winning Lotto ticket but somehow I don't think that is on the horizon.
What I sense is I have got to be willing to practice the virtue of acceptance; acceptance of my circumstances (such as they are) and of the state of my life right now.
In order for me to do this, I am trying to approach every day with an attitude of gratitude - what do I really have to bitch about?
I have a job and health insurance and a car that works.
I have a warm bed to sleep in every day (yup - I work graveyard, remember?) and warm clothes to keep me from having to go to work naked and scare the help.
I have a working television and a working computer - both are old and slow, but they WORK!
I seem to be devoid of delusions as to my own talent. I don't find it necessary to defend run on sentences and poor writing skills because I don't have them; however, I am not Anne Rice or Christine Maggi-O. That's cool. Someday I may have a lot of time to practice. Until then, I vow to remember how to type and leave it at that for now.
My dog loves me. So do both the cats. In fact, I seem to be in the middle of an affection-tug-of-war between Peanut and Miss E right now. Peanut is infuriated by the lovey-dovey behavior of the formerly feral feline living in the backyard and has been retaliating by spending an inordinate amount of time on my bed. When I am there. Unfortunately, Peanut's idea of expressing affection involves the old 'kneed-her-arm-until-I-pass-out' cat routine. As a result I now have a series of little bruises in the shape of kitty-paws up and down my left arm.
Most important, I am loved by God and welcomed by His Church. I am allowed to receive the Sacraments and I am embraced by Our Lady in a heavenly hug that does not leave bruises but does comfort and protect.
I read in The Magnificant today that forgiveness is my chance to give someone else a future. I am hoping that I can remember that when the going gets rough. The idea that I can participate in creating someone else's future is awe-inspiring, and a pretty big responsibility. However, I have to be willing to let go of any resentments or fears and I have to tell you that is difficult for this hard-head. Sometimes, I would rather win than be happy. That's not good.
I received word today that a dear friend in the program, a man with 45 years of continuous sobriety, has lost his daughter. She was the victim of a brutal murder and the authorities are eyeing the ex-husband as a possible suspect. My heart broke for him. She was 10 years sober, the mother of two children (one had never seen her drunk). Today it is her soul I pray for and it is her father's heart I hope will be healed.
When I hear that kind of news, I realize I have no problems.
I am blessed.