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Monday, October 5, 2009

I have been thinking (uh oh!)

There are times when I really do believe I do not belong in this world. I do not fit in to mainstream society. I don't have the right look, the correct body size, the right political view and I certainly do not understand the behavior of others.

It's true that I hold myself to a pretty high standard of behavior. The problem with that, of course, is that one is always certain to fail. It is one thing to be determined each day to give one's will and life over to the care of a Higher Power and quite another thing to add to that determination the desire to 'put on the mind of Christ'. It adds an entire element of 'try to be perfect' to the daily deal and we all know that there is no such thing as earthly perfection.

Therefore, one could argue that each day I set myself up for failure by vowing to put on the mind of Christ and head out into the world. It makes me realize that only God can be God. I can try to be like God but I am always going to disappoint someone or fall short of another's expectations or be misinterpreted or not believed or outright disliked and hated. Truth be told I would love to be universally admired but I know that's not remotely possible. Truth be told again (wow! Two in a ROW!) I actually gave up that desire a long time ago, when Love re-entered my life with a BANG.

But I guess being human means fighting the weakness that is my fallen nature and every once in awhile I wish I could just run away to a little retreat house somewhere and not talk to anyone....I also wish that I could get away with grabbing some of these LOM(s) and banging their heads together for being so damned inconsistent and mean...or I at least wish I could be mean back to them.

But I can't - at least I can't and feel good about myself.

The RA has been really flaring up the past week or so and the dang pain has been unrelenting. I don't care that the studies around arthritis and weather changes have been inconclusive; I can tell you when clouds are coming into the area about four hours before the sky will darken. I'm pretty sure part of my disgruntled mood is linked to the RA flare ups. I hurt for too long and I just get tired and cranky.

I found out last Saturday that a woman I know at the Parish is the daughter of someone my mother went to high school with at good ol'Liberty Union High! How small is this world God has created?

Anyway....I guess it is time to be grateful for things.

Grateful that I am sober.
Grateful that I am employed.
Grateful for the friends I do have and that the people who do not like me are rather unlikeable themselves.
Grateful to have not 'a' God in my life but THE God...the Creator of Heaven and Earth....

Thank you, Lord, for my life today....exactly as it is!

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