I am feeling discouraged.
There, I said it. This faithful Catholic woman who rejoices in her personal and solid relationship with Jesus Christ is discouraged.
Why, you ask?
Oh, the usual fal-di-ral. Someone doesn't like me and that has hurt my feelings.
Seriously, I could gussy this up with all kinds of words. I could whine about how I have never done anything to the person except disagree with them on some political issues, never called them names, never denigrated them in public. I could also admit to having made some mistakes with my approach to him/her and having to make public apology for those mistakes.
The bottom line is that the person hates my guts. They hate that I have been sober for 17 years, that there are people who may disagree with my moderate approach to politics but still like me (some even love me) and they really hate that I am Catholic and Catholic Out Loud.
And while I will never ever pretend to understand this type of bigotry I won't pretend that being the object of it doesn't hurt. I think, and I may be wrong, that being persecuted is supposed to hurt. I think this despite Eusubias' rather joyous accounts of early Catholic martyrs marching to their deaths singing hymns. I have no doubt they did this but it is one of the reasons I am grateful God chose to knit me in my mother's womb in the 1950's rather than the year 40ad...because while the rest of them were singing I would have been the one in the back yelling, "For GOD'S SAKE what is WRONG with you people? Can't you see how STUPID THIS IS?".
And then I would have been the first one shoved into the path of the rhino charging at the group for the simple reason that the crowd would have wanted to hear the singing and I was just not cooperating.
I hope Abstract, a lovely woman who posts on The Hive, finds this blog. I told her about it. If Robert happens to read it, please give her my email address if she does contact you. She is terribly hurt by her alcoholic father and his continued abuse. However, she keeps trying to engage him in dialogue, to get him to admit what he is doing and to admit to his hypocrisy. I have fallen into the same trap several times and finally stopped several months ago. I will not address this individual directly and I will not make up some hurtful name by which to refer to him in my posts there. It is not because I am so dang wonderful; rather it is because it would go against Catholic teachings and AA principles. Going against both might put me in danger of getting drunk. And after 17 years of sobriety, no matter how bad I might feel I want to stay sober.
The anger reminds me so much of E. We have to have a discipline meeting (sounds like something you attend dressed in leather and a ball-gag, but I digress) for one of the clerks I supervise and she is really way to happy about having to hand a 'bad girl' memo to this woman. It should not be something we enjoy doing. Frankly, having to discipline an employee reflects badly on the supervisor - we aren't properly doing our job if this kind of behavior happens among our rank n file - so I don't get the joy E has over the situation. Well, put it in perspective and you can see how its rationality is all in the viewpoint...'let's get her'.
Whether or not we are 'getting' an employee or someone is posting on The Hive to 'get' me it is all the same sin: pride, self-love and lack of trust in God.
Which, of course, is the foundation of Original Sin and our fallen natures.
So this morning I pray for the peace and strength, the wisdom and the fortitude to be a good Catholic, a good woman and a good supervisor.
Then it is time to go home and go nighty night....I'm tired. It's been a long and hateful week.