My Big Reveal - I don't like being disliked

 No one wakes up in the morning and thinks, "I really hope I upset at most, annoy at the least, someone today".  

Well, okay - I will take that back.  Some people do - some people really love making an negative impact on the world.

So I will qualify that first statement.  I do not wake up in the morning and hope my day includes someone disliking me.

Yes, yes, yes...I understand that I am supposed to only care about the opinion of God.  Rest assured that, in my heart of hearts, His opinion is all that matters.  However, I would be lying if I said I am immune to the slings and arrows of people who take offense at my words or actions, how I think, or what I did to earn a living.  It's not even that I want to be liked.  I just do not want to be disliked.

So what really bothers me?

Tell the truth and shame the devil, it hurts my pride when someone shares with me that I am the object of derision.  I don't want to know.  Let me live in ignorance and be okay with the abstract idea that I am not everyone's cup of tea.  Don't tell me that I was laughed at or put down as soon as I left the room.  I don't need to know and I don't want to know.

Nothing happens in God's Universe in error and so I am wondering why this information is shared with me.  Is the person sharing it trying to warn me or get me to act differently?   Or are they simply sharing something with me to laugh about and why would they think that would make me laugh?  Because I am not laughing am I now the immature one, unable to rise above the hurt?  Can I overthink this any more?  

Sure I can - give me a minute.

Most of my life I have not felt as though I fit in.  I have never felt completely comfortable around other humans.  I don't understand how they talk and act and why they say the things they do.  When I drank, that fear went away (it's one of the best reasons in the world to drink, wouldn't you say?) but I don't drink now.  Now, I get to just deal with the feeling of total uncomfortable alienation from human beings.  

I guess the best part of getting older is that one learns to just accept their weirdness and the hurt that sometimes comes from trying to have a friendship with human beings.  Shoot, sometimes it hurts just trying to sit quietly among them.  However, I get that today I have a relationship with God that is supposed to help me when the ups and downs of life hit this hard.  So I turn to God and I offer my sadness and hurt as a Sacrifice of Love.  I wipe my tears and watch a comedy on Netflix to laugh out loud.  I pray my Rosary and pet my dogs.  I lean into the Faith that has brought me this far and what I try to remember is that I am an alien here, a stranger in a strange land.  My true home is in Heaven and that is what I am aiming for each day.  The Sacramental/Liturgical Life I lead is not for show; rather, it is the medicine for my fear of the world, my inability to walk through it on my own with any kind of confidence, grace or dignity.  Without God, I am nothing.  With God, all things are possible.

In fact, with God the scared kid in the corner can forgive those who dislike her and love those who hate her and be okay with what stares back at her from the Looking Glass.

Relieve me of the bondage of myself, Lord.....because if I am in bondage to myself I cannot serve You.