Waking up

 Good morning and welcome to Easter Friday!

I watched an interesting television show last night.  It is a long running show about NY cops and DAs and perps and skells and all that stuff that cop shows do.  The particular storyline was about a very wealthy and powerful woman who set temptation in front of other, powerful men and then secretly filmed their capitulation to sin.  She did it to prove a point - not simply to blackmail them - and the point was that the problem in the world is men.  They are violent predators, untrustworthy whores, incapable of living lives of devotion and fidelity.  

What was interesting to me was the way the male characters were portrayed.  None of them were upset about the people they had victimized but all of them were willing to ask for help for their predilitions because, well, they had been caught in the act.  Confronted by their sins, each one said (in a variety of ways) that they cannot help themselves and they need help and they would cooperate with authorities if they got that help.

I didn't watch the whole show and do not know how it was resolved.  It did make me think, however, about how I approach my sin. Do I only admit what I get caught at or am I willing, on a daily basis, to go deeper and ask myself how I did for the past 24 hours?  Can I do better?

Since February Ash Wednesday I have been praying the Litany of Humility - at least twice a day but sometimes more.  The philosophy behind that prayer is not new.  It is something I have been striving for and trying desperately to live by for over 30 years now.  However, that Litany has touched me in a way no other prayer has and it has truly changed my life.  

In many ways, I have been delivered.

The fear and wants I have been slave to for my entire life are being lifted.  If my mind returns to them - especially the Need to be Right - I pause and recite that prayer again.  I have been able to ignore so much, remove myself from the need to make myself heard in anyway.  God is protecting me from a longtime abuser and opening my eyes to that abuse that I was willing to suffer 'because' - my mom had so I should, the kids had so I should, because the abuser was a victim too so the bad behavior must be overlooked...and today I no longer have to live that way.

This is all new to me.  I am still trying to wrap my head around this new way of life.  I slip but when I do, that prayer has helped me get back on track.  For that I am so grateful.