Gaining Courage

 By taking action, I gain courage and I thank God for the ability to distinguish between those situations I can work on, and those I must (offer to God).

(paraphrased from the Daily Reflections book from AA World Services)

I often second guess myself because I take action or make statements based on a fundamental idea that has NOT served me well.  What is that idea?  That EVERYONE wants to heal and learn.  No they don't.  

I am different and always have been and that is probably because I really don't have a lot of confidence in myself.  When someone says, "Here is why you are upset and this is what you have to do" I might get hurt enough to cry but you know what?

I try to take the action described.

I want to be a person that heals and grows and learns how to be a better me, one day at a time.  I sometimes fall flat on my face (wait - sometimes?) and when I do I want help.  I want to know what I did wrong and what I could do better. I do not want to keep making the same mistake over and over.

Someone I respect told me this past weekend that I am very hard on myself. It was not said as an admonishment; rather, it was so I would see that not everyone sees themselves as the likely culprit, the suspect in the crime documentary unfolding before my eyes in the guise of broken or breaking relationships.  In other words, if I get into a catfight with someone (especially someone I love) my first thought is, "Oh hell I messed that up".

One of the reasons I have a mentor is so she can say to me (occasionally), "Let's drop the rock, let's get off the cross, let's take a breath.  Yes, you made a mistake but let's not make you the lead villain in the crime drama here. There is your part - let's do something about that - but it is just that, a PART of the whole".

I love my friends and family.  I am so blessed to have them in my life.  I also know I am a different person from most of them and so....I have to give them grace.

And I have to give me some too - so maybe tomorrow I can go get some by going to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

Thank you for listening, God.  I needed this today.