Last week was a difficult week. Without going into any details, let me just say that by Wednesday mid-day I was stretched to the breaking point with fear and worry. I made a mistake and let that vulnerability show to someone ill equipped to handle it. The results were ugly and hurtful.
My initial response was to take the action I needed to take over the next two days and then walk away from the person. Their treatment of me was uncalled for and I am worth more than that, is what my head told me.
This line of thinking is backed up by the world. We, as a society, are told to walk quickly away from people who hurt us, to cut them out of our lives. This is not necessarily bad advice. No man, woman or child should stay in a situation that is unsafe, either physically or emotionally. I am not advocating for everyone to become a St. Rita - even the late Mother Angelica admitted to not ever being able to emulate that particular saint.
As the events unfolded I returned to the mistake I had made - because, as always, I set the ball rolling. What had I done that had put me in the position to be hurt?
Simply - I had asked (unconsciously) for someone to be something they are not, that they haven't been for many, many years. Then, when they did exactly what they have been doing for years, I was hurt, I was shocked, I was angry and I was sad.
Well, whoop de doo, Leslie. You mean that sticking your hand into the bee hive got you stung?
Realizing this much was huge. I am happy that the program of active spirituality has allowed me to recognize when I have put myself into the situation that has hurt me. However, that is just the surface because the real problem is that I still really want this person to love me, to be what they are not, and I now struggle with the temptation of trying to figure out how to manipulate them into doing just that - and that, my friends, is called insanity.
It disguises itself. For me the disguise is this: I will sit down with them and tell them exactly how I feel and why I am walking away from them. This will get this off my chest and I will be so honest with them. It will be a clean break. I will do it with love.
Under this disguise is: they will be changed by what I tell them. They will not want to lose me and so they will change. Everything will be better. We will go back to a good relationship and I will have that person in my corner that I always wanted. I will be loved and I will be honored and I will be protected and....
And phooey.
The reality is I cannot change anyone. Letting someone know how I feel will do NO good whatsoever. I am not clean in my motives because what I am really wanting to do is control that person so they will be, in my book, 'better'.
What is the answer?
This need for love is what I offer to God. The difficulties I ask to be relieved of are those that cause me to keep going to a dry well for water. The reason I go to God with this is because if He can do this for me, it can show others that it is possible for it to be done. And if it is done, then I can be of better use to God.
The grace I receive from the Sacraments allows me to walk this walk. When I have those conversations in my head, it is grace that allows for the light bulb in my mind to snap on and for me to see exactly what it is I am trying to do - to be the director and arrange the stage. Grace gives me the power to do better, to NOT take that step that would simply be a disaster and to move closer to God for the love I crave.
I just wish it was easier. And I wish it wasn't so painful.
God, help me endure. Without You, I am nothing.
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