Trying Too Hard

 The number one rule of sanity keeping has to be to never care more about someone's life than they do.

I should have that emblazoned on the inside of my eyelids.  While the rest of the women have their lashes curled and dyed, my eyes need to be artificially altered so that I never, ever forget this foundational truth about keeping one's mental equilibrium.

NEVER care more about someone else's life than they do.

This is what the Secular World will tell you....but it is not what my Faith Tradition asks of me.  I must be, at any moment, willing to sacrifice myself for another..because that is the greatest love I can have for that person.

And frankly, that is a sticky selling point for Christianity.

The Secular Perspective runs contrary to a Servant's Heart, a lot of the time.  In fact, wanting the highest good for those around you is supposed to be the way a Catholic approaches Christianity.  We don't embrace a 'Health and Wealth' Gospel.  We don't look to music to feed us, a laser show, even an inspiring homily to enrich our souls.  If a priest happens to nail it in the seven to ten minutes he has to preach during Mass, that's great but ultimately sitting through a lousy homily is a small price to pay for receiving The Eucharist.

It is wanting those around us to prosper in the Love of God that is supposed to be our way of approaching life and our particular vocation.  My station in life - that of a sober widow who is also a Catechist - is supposed to orient itself towards service to others.  I must decrease.  He must increase.  I should see all with His Eyes.

I suppose His having a foster father who was dead and a mother who was saved from Original Sin by His Merits (outside of time a space - a much better Mother's Day present than any of us could ever manage to give good old Mom) made that a bit easier when it came to dealing with immediate family.

However, He did have to deal with that bunch He gathered around Him.  Reading the Gospel and the Acts and then the various Letters reverals a ridiculously dysfunctional group of social morons, so I guess He does understand my dilemma.

How does one love and care for someone when they are almost purposefully hurting themselves?

In Al-Anon, it's all about accepting them for who and what they are while never giving up hope.  It is about looking at ourselves and saying, 'Why is this so important to me - to make me more comfortable or to make them happier?'.

Perhaps that is the eternal struggle for those of us with a Servant's Heart, an aspect of my personality I used to try and deny.  Perhaps the magic has to in finding the ability to love the worst in them, wanting the best for them and not letting that caring suck me down into the abyss of worry and fear for them.  After all, everyone dies.  If they choose a way of life that makes that more likely than not to happen quickly, that has to be their choice.  I may want them to eat right, stop drinking, lessen their external stressors but why?  So I can have them around longer?  That's not my call, right?  That is their call...it is their life.

And if they choose a group of people that I find mind-numbingly boring to be around, well...I have choice, right?  I can not be around them OR I can evolve into such an ego-less person that when I am around them, I serve them.  Yes, that is the goal.  Right now?  It is not my personal reality - and that is MY fault and MY struggle.

I do not want to be an unfeeling, cold refrigerator of a person.  Neither do I want to lose sleep over grown men and women who refuse to walk through life with grace and dignity.  I want to love the unlovable, but I do not want to spend my time surrounded by people who cannot carry on even a rudimentary conversation in a social setting.  I straddle the precipice between wanting to be open and loving and kind  and accepting and wanting to be able to discuss football, movies, politics and art without having to constantly dumb down the conversation or watch my words so I do not accidentally offend someone who wouldn't understand nuance if it bit them on the end of their nose. 

 I look at what I want and think, "You selfish, self-centered woman masquerading as a Servant. Who are you kidding?  Maybe you are an Elitist.  Maybe you are simply too snotty to be allowed outside your home".

I don't know.  I do know that I start and end my day with prayer.  I try so hard not to harm anyone between the start of my day and its finish.  I try hard to accept that no one is ever going to want to do anything 'my' way.   Others see me as valuable.  Others do not.  That is life.  It is okay and I am okay and if the Niners would just win a flipping game at Levi Stadium it would be fabulous.

It is also very important to remember that, when I feel this way, even Jesus wept over the sins of Jerusalem.  I am not alone.  It is okay to have a moment of feeling sorry for yourself but extremely important for someone like me to not stay in that moment.  Too long dwelling in sorrow and self pity can lead me back to alcohol.  Even after twenty-nine years of continuous sobriety, my primary focus has to be on staying sober today.

It is also important that I be very honest about my own weaknesses.  I want people I love to be happy and prosperous and it hurts me when I can see how truly unhappy they are in life.  However, there is nothing I can do other than offer support, prayers and encouragement...and then STFU.  

And write the check.