I always smile to myself when someone I know in our 12 step program says, "You are so strong. You can't know what I am going through right now".
The person saying it usually has been sober less than a year. Now that does not mean that the people with more than a year don't think the same thing about those who have walked this path ahead of us. The only difference between me and a newcomer is I know what not to blurt out loud in front of people. I save my goofier statements for my sponsor alone as I am pretty sure she needs the laugh.
The way I have been 'raised' in my program is to consider myself a newcomer until I have 20 years of continuous sobriety. That being said, today is my last day of being a newcomer.
Twenty years ago I stumbled through the doors of the Concord Fellowship for the umpteenth time, sick and lonely and still pretty drunk. The next day, May 4, 1992, I went a full day without a drink of alcohol. I had done that before too. I don't know why May 4th became my sobriety date other than I was so angry at Fast Eddie for telling me to 'go out and get done' that I was eager to prove the old jerk wrong. I am not a loser, I thought. I'll show you.
And I did.
The path has not been easy for me. I was two years sober before I returned to Holy Mother Church, two years sober before I really understood Step Three, and two years sober before I was able to quit one of the three jobs I had to have in order to make financial amends for all the wreckage I had caused while drinking and drugging.
I have made a lot of mistakes in public, in the rooms of the 12 step program to which I belong and in front of people at work and at home. I have made amends, apologies, messes and progress. The one thing I have done right is I have not picked up a drink or a drug since May 4th, 1992.
When someone says to me, "You are so strong!" I remember being curled up in a fetal position on the floor of my bedroom when I was 8 years sober, sobbing because HE had dumped me. Later, I discovered HE had bilked me out of 30 grand and lied about being a Vietnam Veteran. When I wrote about that for the Modesto Bee, another member of the fellowship in Modesto decided I was talking about him and began a two year stalking reign of terror that I tried to combat by documenting it online.
When someone says to me, "You are so strong!" I remember getting my big promotion to the SO and then leaving that job every day for the first 6 months sobbing because E was so horrid to me, V (my boss) would not back me up and I was convinced I had made the biggest career mistake ever. When I left there, people cried because I was leaving.
Today I am down to 173 pounds from 260 last October. I am sitting here in a size 8 pair of jeans, in a fabulous job and about to have lunch with an old friend from Health Services.
My bills are paid, my health is good, I'm a Catechist and a Dominican - and I am sober.
Thank you, God for the life I have today. I cannot imagine it being any better and no matter what, I offer it all to YOU. Please do with it as You wish and allow me to be Your servant.
GO GIANTS!
Showing posts with label Catholic Alcoholic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Catholic Alcoholic. Show all posts
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Today, April 30, 2012, is my 7,301st day of continuous sobriety.
Unlike those who can order a glass of wine with their dinner and then leave half of it untouched (a blatant example of alcohol abuse, in my opinon), I have never been able to have ONE alcoholic drink in my life. 'Not drinking' meant having only two, three at the most, and then gritting my teeth through the next few hours as I struggled mightily against the physical craving set off as soon as I ingested the drug ethyl alcohol. People without this craving, this allergy of the body, will never EVER understand it. They may be able to compare it with cravings of their own - their craving for sugar, say, or watching bad Western Movies, but unless you are like me you will never get 'it'.
What is 'it"?
"It" is that horrible knowledge that no matter how many times I prove to myself that I am an unsuccessful drinker of alcohol, there will come a time when the pain I feel when I am stone cold sober will become so great I will absolutely disregard my good sense and historical fact and I will drink again.
"It" is that ugly feeling the day (or two) after a binge when you open your eyes and you are not real sure where you are, or who that person is next to you, or where your clothes are, or what time it is and the shame that sweeps over you because you never, never, never meant to do this again...but you did 'it' anyway.
"It" is when you look into the eyes of a loved one and see puzzlement, disgust, pain and sometimes even hatred and you have a vague memory of spewing verbal excrement at them the night before while you fumble with (another) tearful apology.
But the worst part of 'it' is the trying to stay sober over and over and over again, never wanting to hurt anyone and just wanting the pain and lonliness you feel to go away and knowing that it is inevitable - you are going to drink again.
And for me, to drink is to get drunk.
Today I have over 7 thousands days of sobriety. How did that happen?
Unlike those who can order a glass of wine with their dinner and then leave half of it untouched (a blatant example of alcohol abuse, in my opinon), I have never been able to have ONE alcoholic drink in my life. 'Not drinking' meant having only two, three at the most, and then gritting my teeth through the next few hours as I struggled mightily against the physical craving set off as soon as I ingested the drug ethyl alcohol. People without this craving, this allergy of the body, will never EVER understand it. They may be able to compare it with cravings of their own - their craving for sugar, say, or watching bad Western Movies, but unless you are like me you will never get 'it'.
What is 'it"?
"It" is that horrible knowledge that no matter how many times I prove to myself that I am an unsuccessful drinker of alcohol, there will come a time when the pain I feel when I am stone cold sober will become so great I will absolutely disregard my good sense and historical fact and I will drink again.
"It" is that ugly feeling the day (or two) after a binge when you open your eyes and you are not real sure where you are, or who that person is next to you, or where your clothes are, or what time it is and the shame that sweeps over you because you never, never, never meant to do this again...but you did 'it' anyway.
"It" is when you look into the eyes of a loved one and see puzzlement, disgust, pain and sometimes even hatred and you have a vague memory of spewing verbal excrement at them the night before while you fumble with (another) tearful apology.
But the worst part of 'it' is the trying to stay sober over and over and over again, never wanting to hurt anyone and just wanting the pain and lonliness you feel to go away and knowing that it is inevitable - you are going to drink again.
And for me, to drink is to get drunk.
Today I have over 7 thousands days of sobriety. How did that happen?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
All Those in Favor, Say "HEY!"
When I got sober in May of 1992 I was handed a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous and told to read the first 164 pages. I did and it confused the heck out of me. Here I was, a graduate of one of the finest public universities on the planet and I could not figure out what the heck the author was saying.
Later I realized there was a very good reason I was so befuddled. I was detoxing from alcohol and cocaine. The fact that I could remember to get dressed and go to work every day was amazing. To expect me to read and comprehend was too much - much more than I was capable of doing.
Eventually the fog cleared and I got a sponsor and the world began to make a lot more sense. I was shown how to take the steps, how to apply the traditions to my life and how to understand the concepts. I was taught the importance of getting into service, of learning the history and of listening to those who had walked the path before me so that I could learn from both their triumphs and their mistakes. I have, in the past almost-twenty-years, had my own brushes with both triumph and idiocy. There is an old saying in my 12 step program: The good news is you get to grow up. The bad news is, you have to do it in public.
As most newcomers I went through the stage where I was so overwhelmed with the miracle of sobriety that I could not figure out why EVERYONE didn't do this deal. It would help with EVERTHING. As I stayed sober, I realized that the uncomfortable feeling I had when I first stumbled into a meeting back in 1990 (yes, you saw that right...it took me two years to get this deal) and saw the steps listed on the wall was because none of what AA was teaching me was new.
I had gone through 12 years of Catholic schools and had had excellent Catechesis in my younger years. My conscience was well formed but warped by alcoholism and by my 2nd year of sobriety I realized that everything AA was teaching me I had been taught in preparation for my First Holy Communion and, later, for my Confirmation.
Take for example what is known as The Third Step Prayer:
Isn't it beautiful? Completely offering oneself to our Creator and saying, "Here I am....Please, You take over".
Now compare that prayer with this one, known to Catholics as the Suscipe:
Later I realized there was a very good reason I was so befuddled. I was detoxing from alcohol and cocaine. The fact that I could remember to get dressed and go to work every day was amazing. To expect me to read and comprehend was too much - much more than I was capable of doing.
Eventually the fog cleared and I got a sponsor and the world began to make a lot more sense. I was shown how to take the steps, how to apply the traditions to my life and how to understand the concepts. I was taught the importance of getting into service, of learning the history and of listening to those who had walked the path before me so that I could learn from both their triumphs and their mistakes. I have, in the past almost-twenty-years, had my own brushes with both triumph and idiocy. There is an old saying in my 12 step program: The good news is you get to grow up. The bad news is, you have to do it in public.
As most newcomers I went through the stage where I was so overwhelmed with the miracle of sobriety that I could not figure out why EVERYONE didn't do this deal. It would help with EVERTHING. As I stayed sober, I realized that the uncomfortable feeling I had when I first stumbled into a meeting back in 1990 (yes, you saw that right...it took me two years to get this deal) and saw the steps listed on the wall was because none of what AA was teaching me was new.
I had gone through 12 years of Catholic schools and had had excellent Catechesis in my younger years. My conscience was well formed but warped by alcoholism and by my 2nd year of sobriety I realized that everything AA was teaching me I had been taught in preparation for my First Holy Communion and, later, for my Confirmation.
Take for example what is known as The Third Step Prayer:
God, I offer myself to Thee to do with me as Thou Wilt.
Relieve me of the Bondage of Self, that I may better do Thy Will.
Take away my difficulties, that Victory over them shall bear witness to those I will help
Of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy Will always.
Isn't it beautiful? Completely offering oneself to our Creator and saying, "Here I am....Please, You take over".
Now compare that prayer with this one, known to Catholics as the Suscipe:
Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace.
That is enough for me.
St. Ignatius of Loyola wrote that during a time in Church history when we were inundated with both great saints and great sinners, with miraculous feats of Faith and incredibly awesome scandals.
Sound familiar?
I do not pretend to have all the answers for everyone; however, I know that being sober lead me back to God. Once I was lead back to God, the fires of my Baptism and Confirmation were fanned into full flame. I could not stand without Jesus and His Church, without The Eucharist. I cannot walk away from His Church even if I do not always understand all that is going on in the way it is operated by human beings. No one, and nothing, will ever keep me away from Him again.
I ask for prayers for the daughter of an old friend of mine. She is entering into a new era. She is confronting her own disease and seeking treatment and healing from the damage that disease has caused her. I know that damage, it is mine. For my sake, and for her's, I ask for prayers for all the alcoholics out there struggling with this disease.
May they find God's Love and return to Him.
A prayer found in the back of the Church by my friend Brendan:
Someone does care
I found God in the morning,
we just sat and talked.
I kept Him near me,
Everywhere I walked.
I called on God at noontime,
A heart filled with despair.
I felt His quiet presence.
I knew He was there.
We met again at sunset,
the waning of the day.
I had made Him happy.
I had lived His way.
Then when at bedtime
I knelt silently in prayer.
Again His gentle presence I felt:
Someone does care.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Surviving the Flu Virus and other Courageous Stories
Holy Mackeral.
The past three days have been horrible! HORRIBLE, I tell ya!
Flu bugs are the worst.
My poor stomach was in such pain, I could barely stand up. I missed all the parties, I missed Mass....I thought I may need to go into the hospital. It was awful.
The tough part for people like me is we have a tendency to think that however we are feeling at the time we are feeling it is going to last forever. We are not known for the long haul. Our highs are higher, our lows are lower and no one could possibly EVER understand us.
Even after 19 years of continuos sobriety I fight the tendency to think my pain is different from the average person's. Reality, however, is that it is not; nonalcoholics and non addicts have pain, have relationships with God, have struggles, are spiritual - being an alcoholic or an addict does not give me some sort of spiritual hotline.
The further reality, however, is that I do have a tendency to be overly dramatic and that is probably a symptom of alcoholism and drug addiction.
Chuck C. once said something along the lines of "I am an overly sensitive alcoholic. What some people see as pretty, I see as beautiful. What they see as beautiful can enthrall me for hours". I see that as true about myself. I see things differently and there is nothing particularly bad about that but it is my responsibility to fit into the main stream of life. It is not the responsibility of the world to change itself for me.
As a sober woman, I realize I stay close to the principles of the Program in order to be able to function in the world. As a Catholic woman, I stay close to Holy Mother Church because the deep spirituality offered to me through Her Teachings allows me to practice those principles. The principles of my 12 Step Program are deeply rooted in the love and dependence upon a Higher Power. Because my Higher Power is the Holy Trinity, I want to worship God the way the First Christians did it - and that means Catholicism.
So I survived the flu, though I still feel somewhat sore and weak. I will be able to go to work tomorrow. I am going to try and get down to confession tomorrow because I would like to receive absolution for missing Holy Mass yesterday. I know I was sick and I am not in mortal sin because I was sick, but I would still like to start the new year clean and shiny. While it will probably last through my first drive on the freeway (darn it when people won't drive the way I want them too!) my intentions are to stay sin-free for as long as possible....and I do that one day at a time.
Thank you, Lord, for making me an overly sensitive alcoholic. Thank you, Lord, for Your Church.
The past three days have been horrible! HORRIBLE, I tell ya!
Flu bugs are the worst.
My poor stomach was in such pain, I could barely stand up. I missed all the parties, I missed Mass....I thought I may need to go into the hospital. It was awful.
The tough part for people like me is we have a tendency to think that however we are feeling at the time we are feeling it is going to last forever. We are not known for the long haul. Our highs are higher, our lows are lower and no one could possibly EVER understand us.
Even after 19 years of continuos sobriety I fight the tendency to think my pain is different from the average person's. Reality, however, is that it is not; nonalcoholics and non addicts have pain, have relationships with God, have struggles, are spiritual - being an alcoholic or an addict does not give me some sort of spiritual hotline.
The further reality, however, is that I do have a tendency to be overly dramatic and that is probably a symptom of alcoholism and drug addiction.
Chuck C. once said something along the lines of "I am an overly sensitive alcoholic. What some people see as pretty, I see as beautiful. What they see as beautiful can enthrall me for hours". I see that as true about myself. I see things differently and there is nothing particularly bad about that but it is my responsibility to fit into the main stream of life. It is not the responsibility of the world to change itself for me.
As a sober woman, I realize I stay close to the principles of the Program in order to be able to function in the world. As a Catholic woman, I stay close to Holy Mother Church because the deep spirituality offered to me through Her Teachings allows me to practice those principles. The principles of my 12 Step Program are deeply rooted in the love and dependence upon a Higher Power. Because my Higher Power is the Holy Trinity, I want to worship God the way the First Christians did it - and that means Catholicism.
So I survived the flu, though I still feel somewhat sore and weak. I will be able to go to work tomorrow. I am going to try and get down to confession tomorrow because I would like to receive absolution for missing Holy Mass yesterday. I know I was sick and I am not in mortal sin because I was sick, but I would still like to start the new year clean and shiny. While it will probably last through my first drive on the freeway (darn it when people won't drive the way I want them too!) my intentions are to stay sin-free for as long as possible....and I do that one day at a time.
Thank you, Lord, for making me an overly sensitive alcoholic. Thank you, Lord, for Your Church.
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