Starting February Off With the Sacrament of Confession

 I participated in the Sacrament of Confession yesterday.  It was the first time I had been in a month.  Normally, I try to go every two weeks but I have been feeling disconnected and off the past 30 days. I have been doing this long enough to know that my feelings are not because of anyone or anything - they just are - so I finally had that moment of clarity that got me off my butt and into the confessional.  

This blogpost is not to debate the whys and wherefores of the Sacrament.  You got a problem with Catholic Sacramental Liturgy? Too bad. 

Rather, I wish to share what I have been struggling with the past several months in the off chance that another Catholic might go, "Oh good, me too and yay, I am not alone".

I trust The Church.  Jesus founded Her and gave Her HIS authority.  I have no problem with the Precepts and I even understand that I am not a Catholic because I really like the Pope or the people in the Church. I am a Catholic because it is where I found the fullness of Christianity and every time I have looked into other ways to climb the Mountain of Salvation, I have found those other ways to be either pale imitations of Reality or flat out poorly disguised detours to hell.  So I stay, despite my weakness and my inability to be a really good Catholic, I stay.  

I stay despite some of the dumbest stuff on the internet from people who should know better.  The thinly veiled political agendas and the anointing of politicians as the New David by people who are supposed to guide us to heaven is shameful.  BOTH SIDES of the political aisle do this - and seeing it makes my teeth grind in frustration.

I stay despite my own inability to be kind and loving towards those who are hurtful and disingenuous. I really want to be a saint. I just don't like liars and cheats. They scare me.  They hurt others and they are so blatant about it that I get discouraged.

I stay even though I fall so short of what Jesus asks of me that I have become pretty sure He dismisses my prayers and petitions. I just don't think He cares what I want and hope for in this world. Sure, He hears my prayers but I think I make Him laugh - and not with gentle amusement but with derision.  

I took all this to the confessional yesterday because I recognize the sin of pride in all of this - that sin that manifests into "what about ME and what I WANT" rather than meek acceptance of what really is a wonderful and full life.  I have a safe place to live and good friends.  My bills are paid and I have a family that loves me.  Really, there is no reason to complain. Knowing that is why I went to hear the words, "I absolve you from your sins" from the man acting in the Person of Jesus.  I did that so I could go to Mass last night and receive Jesus in the Eucharist with a clean heart and soul.

Sometimes it is difficult to walk in the world.  I just get tired of all the folderol. Still, I know I am on the right path even though I am hardly skipping along the way.  Today I am dragging my feet but I am walking.  

I trust Jesus, I do.  

Lord, I believe.....Help my unbelief.