My mother, who passed away on May 29th, would have celebrated her 99th birthday on October 9th of this month.
Mom, the morning of her 98th Birthday in 2019.
For my brother John and I this has been a huge adjustment. Mom's birthday always signified the beginning of the holiday season. Starting with her party - no matter how big or small - we would start our inevitable march towards New Year's Eve and it meant stress and laughter and too much food and too much booze (for them - me? I am the sober one, remember?) and spending way too much money and otherwise having a typical Italian American Holiday season. But this year it is different and trying to find our new normal has been tough.
I have been hit pretty hard with all of this and to pretend that being a Faithful Catholic and a strong lay member of the Dominican Order means you don't sometimes feel overwhelmed would be a lie. I have felt horribly disconnected from the world. I have had to force myself to participate in everyday life with a smile and a nod. I have had to be very conscious of the fact that other people have feelings too and do not need me to vomit my emotions all over them. Everything is an effort but it is an effort that someone like me can put to good use.
And I have...as my Mom used to say, "Someone better be getting out of Purgatory over this or I will be pretty mad".
The good news is that my brother and his fiancé are now husband and wife. Their wedding day was October 3 and we - the family - now have a really wonderful marker to begin our holiday celebrations every year. By next year the pain of losing our Mom will have lessened, not disappeared, and we will be able to shout with joy about October 3rd. I look forward to that, I really do.
My days get better most of the time. I am not as hurt by the defection of certain people in my life because I recognize that God has pruned the branches. I am so grateful for my family and friends who have stuck around. They share their every day struggles and triumphs with me and it pulls me back into the mainstream of life, allows me to contribute even when I feel disinclined to do so and almost forces me to do the next right thing rather than binge eat M&Ms (peanut butter ones) and watch football and zombie movies.
The love that has poured over me this year is really quite astonishing. If I ever needed proof that God exists I received that validation from the actions and behaviors of those humans that populate the world in which I live. They are all quite remarkable. Even the crazy ones...or maybe ESPECIALLY the crazy ones...because their crazy has matched mine stride for stride and made it fun. Fun heals a lot of wounds.
Happy birthday, Mama. I love you. I miss you. Your Niners need an anointing of the sick.
2 comments:
Love it. Thank you for sharing. Mama is our angel. Love you
When my Mother went home, she was ready and it was a blessing, but I still feel the loss and grief. She said she was waiting for Jesus to take her home and she and I spent the night praying and listening to music, "Here I am Lord." When my son died it was a shock and my grief is so different. "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
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