In the past 24 hours I was told that I am a difficult person to get to know and I think that is a very fair assessment. I am, despite this online life, a pretty private person. I always try to look at myself in terms of the bigger picture - the picture where I am but a small part of a greater whole. Despite any appearances to the contrary I never see myself as all that important and so am usually caught by surprise when I am misunderstood or I inadvertently hurt someone's feelings. It is a shock that anything I share, think or feel is taken all that seriously by anyone.
When it is, I find initial belief that I need to keep a safe distance between me and the rest of the world a valid one. What has usually happened is I have taken a chance of opening up myself to someone and sharing an idea or belief. When it is interpreted as being 'aimed' somehow at them, I am blown away.
Most of this is my responsibility. I must learn to be very careful when I share. I have to remember that people (including myself) a bit self centered and so will take the opportunity to personalize something whenever that opportunity presents itself. Now, that is not a great way to live but it is a part of our fallen human nature and I have been guilty of it myself.
SO - what I have learned in the past 24 hours is this:
- Do not share with my mother my shock that anyone would consider me an object of envy.
- Do not share with anyone my theory as to why I cannot meet their expectations when it comes to friendship and behavior.
- Do not chase after anyone who uses spirituality as a form of punishment for me not behaving according to their standards.
When I share that I think being an object of anyone's envy is ridiculous, I am fully aware that my life is wonderful and that it can an object of envy.
When I share that I believe I cannot meet people's expectations because of the circumstances of my life, I am fully aware that others might think I am making excuses and will not accept my explanation.
When someone tells me they are doing, or not doing, something they previously committed to doing I must remember that I am not in charge of their journey.
Trust God, clean house and help others. That is all I can do to protect myself from the disease of alcoholism.
Prayer, The Sacraments, Study and Catechises. That is all I can do to live my Catholic Faith.
Everything else is in the Hands of a Loving God.