This morning I am praying for the grace to stop hearing that which is not said.
I react to what I hear in a tone of voice or email. It is starting to cause me more and more problems and thus, is no longer a salable good.
Sure, I can point to my past and make a very strong case as to why I do this - understanding the 'why' is not the issue. What I am trying to do, however, is more than simply understanding why I react the way I do. I want to knock it off, I want to get better and I want to grow up.
In December I will be 59 years old. In my mind, a 59 year old woman who still blames her childhood for her inner turmoil is someone who doesn't have a lot of credibility when it comes to trusting God.
And that's the thing, people. I do trust Him. I know, despite the roller-coaster stomach, the pain of losing family, the fear of what is going to be blamed on me next at work, that Jesus Christ and His Bride, The Church, has my back. I am not alone and I never will be alone. I am a Catholic, I am sober, I am a Dominican - the myriad of support I have on this earth (and in heaven) is overwhelming and powerful. I have nothing to fear.
So why do I keep getting my roller-coaster stomach?
I think, and I could be wrong, that one of the things I have overlooked in my journey is asking for a specific healing. I have never taken the time, in prayer, to ask The Divine Physician to heal the wound left by careless and cruel adults on the soul of a six year old. Because of my failure to do so, I struggle with the after affects today. Like a polio victim who survived the initial onslaught due to good medicine (12 Steps, The Sacraments, Prayer) I am still limping. The illness that pervaded my childhood left me with a weakness and it is time to apply the same powerful medicine to that weakness.
I don't want to limp any more - I want to walk with grace and dignity. I want to stand strong and run the incredibly fabulous obstacle course that is Life with a smile and enthusiasm.
Perhaps today I can begin by asking to have this defect removed, and then go forward with determination to just listen to words and not the tone. The people around me are not responsible for treating me in such a way that I can be comfortable; rather, I am responsible to God, His Church and to myself to forgive, to be kind, to go forward.
Responsibility for health, for growth and for learning must be my responsibility and I am not going to shirk it simply because it is difficult to do.
This morning I cannot help but feel deep concern for our persecuted family in Iraq and how they are suffering. I think of how they need our support, our prayers and our determination that they will not fall prey to the evil, demonic forces surrounding them right now masquerading as lovers of God. This horror, this ISIS, is not something of God - it is the manifestation of sin. It is evil.
From all evil, comes great good. I believe this; I believe that from the blood and suffering of Christian martyrs will come a grace and love and healing for the world. It may be years before we see the fruits of their steadfast love for Christ in the face of destruction but like the Christians murdered under other evil governmental structures, there will be beauty springing from their blood.
To not help them would be sinful. I am grateful the President ordered military action and while I get it that he does not want to send in troops it may come to that - we have to defeat these monsters in a very practical way. I don't want our men and women killed, but this evil that is ISIS must be stopped.
There is much to be praying about today. I get to go to Mass, unmolested, and spend time with good, loving men and women. I get to participate in the Liturgy of the Word as a Lector.
Today's reading reminds me - God may not be heard in thunder, lightning or the roar of jet engines flying supplies to the oppressed.
God is heard in the quiet whisper of the wind.