I am beginning to hate how closely my peace of mind and physical health are linked.
Catholic theology teaches that the body is as important as the soul - we are not 'spiritual beings trapped in a body', as some false teachers propose; rather, God created us body AND soul and both are to be reverenced and both are to be presented to Him daily as an offering. God, I offer myself to thee...not just my mind or my heart or my soul, but MYSELF - all of me. What I do with my physical body should be done to be pleasing to my Creator and not just to be pleasing to ME.
If I had lived my life according to this perfect truth a long time ago I would not have to go to three meetings a week or mourn the deliberate death of four children today. I would have treated my body with the respect a creation of God deserves.
I would also be in better shape.
What I know would NOT be any different, however, is how my feeling sick or tired or otherwise in poor health affects my peace of mind. I am just one of those people who seriously wants to curl in a ball in the corner when I am sick. If I don't feel good, it takes monumental effort on my part not to turn into a whiny baby at the drop of a hat.
I have been battling this stupid H1N1 virus for more than two weeks now. I get better, and I know I am on the mend, but the truth is I am still sniveling, coughing, fighting a head ache most of the time and end up with a sore throat by the end of the day.
All this makes being 'in charge' tough because whether someone is saying something nice to me or someone is saying something mean to me, I want to cry when I feel this way - and I can't. Why? Because I am in charge, of course, and so that sucks.
Let me give a brief example:
For the past 18 months I have been pretty well beaten up by my boss. I have spent most of the time apologizing for doing what had been good work 19 months ago, been told I was feeling a certain way when I wasn't, been told what my motives were behind innocent actions and all in all have had a tough time of it. I have had much WORSE times in my career, don't misunderstand me, but it has still be kind of difficult and the fact that I have made the progress in this particular assignment that I have is based on my deliberate surrender of the idea that I would ever do a good job for the boss I had during this time. Forget about it. I gave up the idea that anything I would do would be appreciated or considered good work. It took me about 8 months to do that (because, even after 21 years, I am still a quick study when it comes to spiritual matters) but once I did things started to improve. The boss in question suddenly liked my work (a little) but most of all I just stopped caring about pleasing someone I knew I could not please. It was not an issue. I knew I have x number of years left (2017 beckons) and I decided to just keep my head down, show up for work every day and do the deal without bringing any attention to myself.
This past week I was assigned a new boss.
I am, officially, under someone who is under the person who originally hired me for this position and that is a good thing. The person who is now my boss is solid, a stats lady like me but who has far more knowledge on how to properly use the statistics I gather. I am looking forward to working with her and I know I will learn a great deal.
That being said, I ended up in tears today because she said I am being wasted at this position, that I need to be promoted up and she is going to work towards that with me so I can retire at hirer pay.
I told her, she didn't have to bother. I meant it. I just do not want people to know who I am and what I do and what I am like or anything about me. I do not fit in here or anywhere and dang it the less people look at me or know who I am or where I work, the better.
Apparently, that is not in the cards.
And I have to tell you, I believe my emotional reaction is because I just do not feel well. I can't get to the gym because of work. I can't really work out without feeling sicker. I am tired. I am not sleeping well. I wish I was anywhere but where I am and that is only because of health issues.
The truth is that what was said to me today was really nice. I am grateful that someone sees I am talented and does not perceive me as some sort of threat right off the bat.
SO - health and spirituality, they are intertwined with this little Dominican and quite frankly I understand what both are so important.
GOD, I offer my WHOLE self to Thee..so please help me make it through the day, ok?