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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Living Humbly / Loving Fully

As many people know I live my life out loud, trying to be as honest as I can about my own struggles and trying not to white wash my behavior.  If I can be accused of anything it would be that I can be whiny and needy and probably that is what drives more people away from me than anything else.  If I hurt people I apologize and while it would be lovely if the same would happen when they hurt me, I do not expect it and I do not wait for it.  Most of the people in my life are trying to do the best they can with what they have and, quite frankly, I am blessed because the parameters which define my life require introspection, self-examination, and a constant call to conversion.  

That being said, I have to tell you that the past week has been chock full of blessings.  The love that has flowed my way from unexpected sources has been almost overwhelming.  I feel like Sally Fields giving an Oscar speech.  

It has caused me to pause and look solidly at what I have lost in the past year (the love and companionship of family members) and what I have gained (amazing friendships and a commitment to Truth).  While I understand why one aspect of my life has changed I do not apologize for my past anymore  I know why I took certain actions and if the people involved ever choose to speak to me about why I did what I did over 10 years ago I would be happy to give them an explanation.  Until that time, I love them and pray for them an hope all is well in their world.  

When I was given a gift of gratitude this past week I realized that in the eyes of some I am a failure, but in the eyes of those who struggle in the same way I struggle I am a life line to health and stability.  St Paul tells us that, as Catholics, we must try to be all things to all people but my experience is becoming that I will never be able to do that; rather, as those in my 12 Step Program know, I may need to be content to be solid rock to those scrambling their way up from the quicksand that is our ISM(s) and to the others I will just be that weird woman they have to put up with at family gatherings.

That dichotomy will, I believe, serve me well for it will keep me humble.

Humility is a gift.  

Thank you, Jesus, for that gift.

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