Perhaps one of the toughest things for people like me to accept is to accept love. I accept that Christ loves me, that His Mother loves me and that I am a part of His Church. I accept that my mother loves me (after all, mothers are supposed to love their children, right?). I accept with graciousness the words, "I love you" from my friends in the 12 step program and from my buddies online but I got to admit that when it comes to feeling loved I often fall short.
I think that is my weakness; the need to feel love. I also think that it is a great gift from God, because I have had to confront this weakness in order to stay sober. I have had to confront my emotional nature, my need to feel something in order for it to be reality.
The conclusion I have reached is that feelings are wonderful and emotions are great but you know what? God is not an emotion, Love is not a feeling and I have had to grow up a lot by accepting these two Truths.
I realize that I will never ever ever be everyone's cup of tea. I am sorry about that because I would really like to be the most popular girl in the insane asylum. However, I think I have grown up enough (finally) to understand it is OK if I am not universally loved. What matters is what I will hear at the end of my time here on earth.
Not everyone who claims Christianity will be saved. Jesus made that very clear and while many of our evangelical friends will forget that Jesus' Word cannot be trumped by St Paul and that it is St Paul that must be interpreted according to The Word, I want to make sure that when I call out, "Lord, Lord" He will recognize my voice.
I don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be on fire. I want that fire to be true, not a heat of emotion. I want to be real, not someone that waves their arms and sings pretty songs. I want to be the kind of Christian they were when being lead, in chains, to die in Rome before there was a Bible.
I want to be sober. I want to be loved. I want to be Catholic.
With God's help, I am going to make it one more day.