I received the silliest present from my friend +Kristen Jones; unfortunately, Kristen has not sent me her new address up in Oregon. It is a journal (the present) with one of those old graphic novel photos on the front that looks like it dates from the late 1940's, early 50's - Reform School Girl. I love it. Boy does it describe this recovering Alcoholic and Catholic Catechist to a T.
It has been an interesting year, a year that has come to symbolize tearing down walls and boundaries I have spent many a decade building. It has been scary. It has been sorrowful. It has been enlightening. I have walked away, emotionally, from some of the most toxic people and situations and have been able to do so with love and forgiveness in my heart. I no longer depend upon people to make me happy, even though the bad and sad things they do can still make me cry. The tears are different, however, than the ones shed a year ago. In the past I cried because they no longer love me, they do not accept me for who I am and they would not do what I wanted them to do. Today, I cry for them because I am sad they have walked away from Truth in the name of License. I cry because I will miss them - their humor, their energy. I do not, however, cry because they do not do what I ask or even what they have promised to do. It no longer matters. If they actually DO keep their word? It is a pleasant surprise. It is no longer expected and I no longer depend upon it for happiness.
I turned 20 years sober this year. That is amazing to me. I have now been sober longer than I drank. I got to do some traveling and connect with old friends in sobriety and I have to tell you it felt great. However, I no longer expect to be asked to speak anywhere. Instead, I accept the fact that I am not anyone's particular cup of tea when it comes to sobriety and I am grateful for the 20 years I have and my hope lies in the days - the sober days - to come.
I have lost 120 pounds over the past two years. That is also amazing. If anyone who have told me I would not only have a gym membership but I would actually USE it four to five times a week I would have told them they were insane. I am hardly a gym rat and my trainer brawniac cousins would scoff if they could see what I call working out - but guess what? I can do things today I could not do a year ago and I am wearing a size six jeans and can buy off the rack in the normal size area of the department stores. I am very happy.
Changed jobs at the end of 2011 and after one full year as the supervisor of Medi Cal Mail In Unit I am ready to start looking to get out of Co Co County all together. My hope is the Insurance Exchange will be awarded to Stanislaus County and I can retire from one county and move to another county - the one I live in - for a new job.
My visit with Ryan has gone very well. He is developing into a good man, albeit not one that includes Christ and His Church in his life. I continue to pray that the graces of his Baptism will guide him home to Rome.
Family life has been a challenge this year but once again my hope and happiness no longer rests in their hands. There are a lot of outright bullies in my family - people who love to throw huge emotional tantrums at you if you do not behave and then wonder why they are alone a LOT - but I no longer stick around for the fireworks. They can throw all the tantrums they want now. I am no longer a witness nor a participant.
I am a Catholic Out Loud. I love the Eucharist. I am a Dominican. I am a conservative thinker not a Conservative Republican. I am not afraid of Muslims or Atheists. I am sober. I am in good physical shape for an old broad with RA and two fake knees.=. I prepared to be ridiculed for my faith by people who share my blood lines and a martyr for the Church. I root for the Niners and the Giants and I love Scotties.
Maybe the lesson of 2012 is self realization - and the realization is Self is not nearly as important as Truth.
Happy New Year, everyone! May God bless you in the coming year and may Truth guide you to Him!
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