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Sunday, September 4, 2011

St JoseMaria is not the only Mangy Donkey

St. JoseMaria founded Opus Dei, the wonderful Apostolate much maligned by Dan Brown in that ridiculous book.  He survived the horrors of the Spanish Civil War, guided a generation or two of Catholics (young and old) on the path towards heaven and generally is the type of man who met hardship with a smile and a funny remark.

I wish I could be like him.

What I admire most about him (By the Way - for those who do not understand why I speak of him in the first person, Catholics believe in eternal life.  He may no longer be in Madrid, but he is more fully alive that you or I at this moment) is the humility he displayed throughout his life on earth.  In his prayers to Our Lord he referred to himself as a 'Mangy donkey' as a way to describe his own stubborn resistance to the will of Our Father in heaven.

Well....he ain't the only one.  Move over, St JoseMaria...a new mangy donkey is in town.

I am discouraged by my inability to control my temper when tough times hit.  Granted, I have improved tremendously in that I do not blow up at people or rant or rave or pick up the phone and let people have it between the eyes with my wonderful words of wisdom, driven by anger.  I recognize that I have improved and I give credit for that improvement to the God of my understanding.  Without His Sacramental Economy that allows me to receive the grace I need to improve my behavior I would be just like my brother - screaming at people at the drop of a hat and unable to apologize out of shame and humiliation for having acted like an ass.

I am not, therefore, beating myself up here.  I absolutely recognize how far I have come.  What is discouraging to me is how far I still have to go in order to be able to meet calamity with serenity.

For example:  We have a policy at work that requires people to be available in case of emergency.  If there is no coverage, we need to be able to reach you and let you know we need you to come in and cover an hour, two hours or an entire shift if necessary.

Everyone knows this...all of them are aware that they could be called in and they are required to let us know if they are going to be out of town.

Friday morning I told Marissa to be sure to check the schedule over the weekend because if no one signed up for overtime on Monday she would be assigned to the schedule.

She has ignored every call, every text, every email.  Because of her behavior I have had to yank other people out of their lives to cover HER shift.

I have had it with this job.  I am so angry at that woman and at those who behave like her that I am back on with the idea of retiring in March.  I cannot work for a bunch of hypocrites anymore.  NO ONE answers their telephones...and then I have to sit in those stupid meetings and listen to them describe the Sheriff Department as 'family'.

Considering how members of my family treat me, they are damn close to the truth.

I would rather work for a hedge fund operator who is open and honest about screwing people out of their life savings than supervise people like Marissa and Renee or work for V or E.  I am DONE.

I think what really annoys the crap out of me is that I have stood up for this woman over and over again.  No more.  She has lost an important ally in that office.

So you see how disgusted I am with myself.  I know that I will forgive her and that I really do not have a choice in how I treat her...after all, the goal is for me to get to heaven and why would I let people like Marissa, Renee, Barbara or John keep me from spending eternity with Our Lord in heaven?
But just ONCE I would like to hear one of these people say, "I was wrong.  I apologize.  What can I do to make it up to you?".

Instead Marissa will either not say anything at all OR she will pretend like her telephone stopped working...and she will simper and look down and say, "I know...I'm sorry" like she's a little girl with a baby voice...OOOOOOHHHHHH GOD I find her INFURIATING!

My problem, I know I know I know.  I mean, what should I do?  I am tempted to suggest we send deputies to their houses when they won't answer the phone but I know that will get shot down. is how it looks to me right now.  Once again, the liars, the cheats, the thieves and the assholes inherit the earth.  The decent hardworking people who following the rules get kicked in the nuts.

That will change...I do trust in Jesus, i really do and I am glad I got to go to Mass this morning and receive Him in the Eucharist.  I feel so sorry for those who do not have Him in their lives, who deny Him or who turn away from Him when they do not get their way.

BUT - I also know I can turn to Him in times like these, when I am so angry at the behavior of others that it has made me cross-eyed and He will not shun me, He will understand.

God, grant me the serenity to change that which I cannot and to resist the urge to call that little bitch up and leave her a voice mail that would get me fired.


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