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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Today, Modesto...Tomorrow, Steubenville.

I am worried.

I am worried because yesterday I received my certificate for completing my courses at Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio.  Along with the lovely certificate I received an even nicer letter from Ron Bolster, head of the whole shebang.

Why am I worried?

For one thing, I have not finished the classes yet because they do not even start until Wednesday night. The only thing I did was turn in all six of my papers (due within 6 months of completing the program) before I finished the classes.

And they sent me my certificate...and I want to know, does this mean I still get to walk across the stage on Sunday morning wearing my really cool, brand new, St Joseph's RCIA Team polo shirt (embossed with our Logo AND my name, no less)?

Ok, I am not REALLY worried - I am mildly worried...and I am mildly worried because I am a worrier about details.

God is in the details, right?  Who said that, anyway?

Well, if this is my worst problem today then I have very high quality problems.  I am still not being spoken to by my brother (which now puts me in the company of Patty Bonds, sister of Catholic Hater James White, and that just pumps up MY self esteem to no end).  That is sad, but not really a problem.  People who are verbally abusive often make the mistake of thinking that refusing to speak to someone is a punishment.

I am still fat, but that is not a problem either as I am now 10 pounds down and that much closer to the goal set by the surgeon.  I don't see the surgeon until August.  If all goes well and I follow my food plan I will be able to schedule the procedure and get started on the next phase...which will be a liquid diet for the two weeks up to the time of the surgery.

This is a huge step, one I have resisted for years.  When I weighed 350 pounds I did not want to do it because I knew 350 pounds is NOT me.  When I weighed 275 I did not want to do it because I knew 275 is not me.  I could, through diet and exercise, get down to my healthy-Italian-peasant-weight that I am now...but if I wanted to lose more?  I would have to be on a starvation diet and always hungry.  Deciding on having the procedure known as The Sleeve will allow me to be on a minimum calorie diet without being hungry and wanting to bite people.

SO..if all goes well, I will be slim and beautiful by Christmas.  And if one more well meaning relative or friend says to me "Oh You have ALWAYS been beautiful" I will laugh out loud.  No I have 350 I was not beautiful.  I was sad looking; sweaty and pasty-faced.  At 275 I was possibly one of those BBW type women and now I am really more of a 14th Century Peasant Woman, not ugly but certainly not attractive by today's standards.

This is not putting myself down, this is an honest appraisal.

It is difficult for people to realize that it is possible to have a very solid idea of who and what you are, warts and all, without putting yourself down or feeling sorry for yourself.  Today I do not feel sorry for myself.  I have prayed my morning prayers, done a nice little work out on the health rider, eaten a protein rich breakfast and am pretty well packed up for the trip.  I feel pretty good about me today, much better than I usually do.

I cannot wait to get to Franciscan.  I feel, since this is my last trip, that I am going to throw myself into ever seminar and class I can squeeze into the days.  I am going to buy all the cds and read the books.  I am going to devour my time, praising Our Lord and His Church every moment...happier I could not be, right this moment.  To anticipate being surrounded by scholars and theologians and holy priests and religious...

My Life - I have never been so grateful to be sober or grateful to be a Catholic than I am right this minute.

1 comment:

chimakuni said...

Welcome to the club of being shunned!!! It sucks, but at the same time, it is extremely liberating. One does not always have to be on guard for when the next shoe will drop or when the next attack will come - one gets to live their life without the distraction of "stupid".

Why do we always equate slim with beautiful? And fat with ugly? Yes, perhaps being overweight is not healthy, but it does not equate ugly. I have thought about this for a long time - and I have decided that fat does not equate ugly and thin/slim does not equate beautiful.

So - if you are thin and ugly to others, you are UGLY. If you are fat and beautiful to others, you are BEAUTIFUL. What you were seeing in yourself and what others were seeing re: beautiful are two different issues - they always saw the beautiful you - just as God does. You were uncomfortable with you - but you were not ugly - and the best news is that you 'fixed' that feeling with discipline and determination.

Still the beautiful YOU - just a slimmer version. Now don't go getting skinny and ugly on me!!!

Love you and have a wonderful time in Steubenville!