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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Middle of the Third

I begin a new medical journey today which may lead to minor but life-changing surgery. I have not decided on anything - this is all going to be my decision - but I have to be properly educated. Therefore, I begin with my first appointment today with the people that evaluate one's level of acceptance, determination, willingness to learn and (I am guessing) fear.

You got it - we are talking gastric by-pass surgery.

I have done so well with my weight problem but I cannot seem to get past the level I have been at for the past year. My joints ache from the RA so it is difficult to exercise. However, I push myself to do what hurts because I know it is good for me - unfortunately, I cannot summon the strength to do it hard and long enough to really make a difference in my weight.

This is one of the reasons I stay anonymous online - I have no idea if I will do this thing but I can imagine what will happen once George and/or Robert get ahold of it. While I know intellectually I cannot and should not be bullied by angry and mean men who hate me for reasons I cannot figure out. And normally, I don't care. Really. I don't. I tried to be friendly, positive, strong and assertive without being aggressive and quite frankly their determination to inflict as much emotional pain on me is just overwhelming.

Without the grace of a Loving Jesus, I would not be able to go online or to work or out of the house because of these men. I am so tired of having to overlook the accusations of drug abuse (I have no idea where these accusations come from but I am not on oxycotin or vicodin or heroin or methodone or any of the other drugs they have stated to the world that I use) or the number of abortions I had when I was a drug addict, or that I live with my mother because I am a loser and have never left the home, or the horrible HORRIBLE attacks they both made about my late husband (who died almost 25 years ago and did not deserve any of the filth they posted about him).

My spiritual director has told me that I am ok to feel hurt and tired - but that, as a Catholic, I am challenged to love these people and offer up my pain with the pain HE suffered on the cross for my sake. And I can do that, I do it every day.

Then my stubborn nature kicks in and I am going to be damned if I will be chased off the internet because two people hate my guts when other people have been kind and open, even if they disagree with me.

So....I start the journey today and if they don't like it they can just say a Rosary.

It is the middle of the third week of Advent. I found out that my soldier broke up with his 'girlfriend' here in Modesto and she is in so much pain over it. That absolutely breaks my heart. I am not sure what prompted the break up but I think he could have waited until after Christmas....this is a tough time of year to be dumped.

Then again, it is always hard to be dumped. You start to think it is because of how you look or how you dress or about sex or about all kinds of things - and it never dawns on you that the person has done you a favor and you now have the chance to do a deep and meaningful personal inventory, so that you can find out what you really DO want in a relationship.

May Our Lady comfort her. May Our Lord guide him.

I gotta go to work.

1 comment:

Kathi said...

Hugs to you,Leslie, as always, you'll be in my prayers!
(and as always, also your soldier!!)