I am finding myself doing a real battle with the goofy thoughts that invade my brain.
It is nothing new, of course. It's really the same old lie I have always battled:
I don't fit in, no one likes me, I am not good enough, I don't belong here..blah blah blah.
The oddest thing about alcoholism is that people like me can entertain the 'I am a piece of garbage' thought right alongside the "I am too cool for my own shoes" idea.
I realize now that what I am dealing with when I feel this way is alcoholism. And I believe, though I would never say this out loud in a meeting, that satan attacks us where we are the most vulnerable and I am the most vulnerable at this disease.
The only real way to successfully battle alcoholism is to, first, stay sober. One cannot ingest liquor or alcohol in any form and expect to be free from the subsequent ravages.
But the other aspect of the disease requires that I be diligent regarding the expansion of my spirituality. I have got to continuously look to how I can serve God and others if I want to be comfortable enough in my own skin so I don't HAVE to drink and use, one day at a time.
This is the reason I pray and write and study and go to Mass and receive the Sacraments. I don't do it because I want to win the title of Catholic of the Year (besides, I look lousy in sequins). I do it because if I don't I will be drunk.
And I don't want to be drunk.
When I have these days when I feel as though I cannot be heard, or I am not wanted or I don't matter I must be willing to hunker down and power through - to remember the lessons of the past 18 years. Feelings are not always reality. Reality is God.