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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Oh Heck I blew it again

Sometimes I get so angry with myself it makes my head hurt. Tonight my head hurts a lot.

I overreacted to a tone of voice I thought I heard - and apparently, I was wrong because the person told me I was - and caused someone to lose their temper, explode in front of their kids, scream obscenities in my face and stomp out of my house.

I have apologized and since done everything they wanted me to do but what bothers me is my apparent inability to follow directions.

In my defense, I honestly thought I was doing what the person wanted me to do. I did have to rely upon other people to get me information because of the schedule I have but I relied upon it because, well, I trust their judgement. I also thought I had been urged quite heatedly to let Nephew make the ultimate decision - which I did, and apparently that was not the decision the person wanted him to make and so pandemonium reigned.

Well, here is my part: I have a tendency to hear derision in people's voices when they say that is not what they are communicating to me. Since this has happened more than once, I have decided it is true and I am now charged with fixing this about me.

I am in the process, right now, of working through the steps again with my sponsor. I know this will help. It is, ultimately, going to be about my fear of being 'less than' and I understand THAT can only be relieved through the Power of The Holy Spirit. I am going to have to pray more, to listen more to God and to try my hardest to relinquish my fear that people think I am stupid.

Ok Ok Ok I know they don't - but they do.

Or they think I am against them....for the dumbest reasons.

Take SKYPE.

I talked with a bunch of people who use SKYPE and they love it. I spoke to 10 people about it - which is, in my world qualifies as a bunch, ok?. With Nephew on his way to Germany I thought, "What a great idea! We'll all get SKYPE, I will get a webcam for my computer and we can do webvisits with Nephew while he is overseas".

So Brother tells me, "You can do that on AOL or Yahoo you do not need SKYPE".

Oh...so I started asking people and the guys here who have been overseas said they really liked using SKYPE because it seemed to be more reliable (it never went down apparently).

Now the system is free - free download, free account if you use the webcam thing blah blah blah. The people who have been using it like it and recommend it. So I downloaded it, ordered a good webcam, told Nephew about it who also downloaded it and we are off and running.

Except, by doing this, I made Brother feel as though I have respect for his opinion.

Which contributed to the anger thing yesterday and ...oh I am exhausted.

I have my work cut out for me in this improvement area. For this reason, I am glad I have a life that includes The Sacraments. Without the sanctifying grace available to me through the Sacraments I would not be able to improve at all. I rely upon God to keep me grounded, to remind me when I mess up that I am not garbage. I feel like garbage right now - but my feelings are not reality.

Anyway - Nephew is off to Germany and then Afghanistan. He has a cell phone and he has SKYPE. Hopefully, everyone will forgive me for the mistakes I made yesterday when I reacted to a tone of voice only I heard.

jeesh....I better improve soon.

2 comments:

Beebo said...

When you have a conflict with someone, it's very consctructive for you to look inward and recognize whether your behavior contributes to a situation and I admire your ability to do that. However, some people are really good at making others believe that their anger is deserved because they did something wrong. Abused women and children always blame themselves but that doesn't make the abuse ok or justified. Someone screaming in your face, shouting obscenities in front of children, etc., is never deserved or justified. We all choose our behavior, and if that person is angry at something you did or said, there are big people words to use to discuss it and big people use some self restraint. I for one, am so happy to not have to deal with someone screaming in my face over every little thing (it was always MY fault) and walking on eggshells anymore because anything you say, can and will be used against you. Please stop blaming yourself for other people's bad behavior. You (no one) deserves that. There is an adult way to deal with conflict and you seem to have figured that out, but some people may never reach that level. Let's just hope the children follow your example...

Leslie K. said...

thank you, my friend. I know you know what I know...but I am trying to be the daughter/sister/friend/aunt people need rather than the one they want...and I would rather be happy than right.