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Saturday, April 10, 2010

Freedom from Fear

Yesterday, at the 6pm meeting, I saw LOM. I almost bolted from the room, scared and angry and frustrated. All the negative emotions I felt had to be suppressed so that I could manifest what I try to teach my own sponsees - how to walk through difficult times with grace, dignity and your head held high.

I cannot do any of that without the help and love of Jesus Christ.

So I sat there throughout the meeting, matching him stare for stare and not moving. I did not even get up for coffee. I just prayed silently throughout the entire meeting for the Holy Spirit to guide me.

After the meeting, I approached Joe - a member of my parish and a member of that fellowship. He and his wife have been friends of mine for a long time and when HE went through a tough time about 10 years ago I stood by him, welcoming him back through the doors with a smile and a hug. I told him about what was happening with the nasty posts being done under names that claim to be LOM's cousin, LOM's best friend, LOM's sponsor and then the occasional post by LOM himself claiming he has not been posting for so long he wanted to know how everyone is...and how maddening it is to see people telling him they knew he wasn't the one making the nasty posts, etc. I also told him my fears:

1. That no one would believe me.

LOM presents very normal and nice and unassuming. My fear was that I would be considered an hysterical female, crazy and out to 'get him' for some reason.

2. That my 12 Step Program would be maligned.

LOM was posting my name and the name of the program in which I participate. I was afraid that people reading those posts would not avail themselves of the help offered by that fellowship because they would think, "Good Lord, is this how these people behave? I thought they were supposed to be anonymous!". I have never used my full name or named the actual group I found sobriety in - LOM was using my full name when he called me a pill addict, a sex addict etc.

3. That LOM would be run off from the 12 step program.

Believe it or not, I believe his salvation (so to speak) can be found around the tables with people who suffer from the same disease. I did not want him to be run off from the 12 step program. I wanted him to simply leave me alone.

I explained all that to Joe. He told me that both he and another gentleman there would talk with LOM, telling him that no one should be afraid to attend meetings at that particular place and that they expect him to stop stalking me online and to not approach me or talk to me or about me.

Today is day 9 of the Divine Mercy Chaplet Novena. Today's intention is for the Lukewarm souls - those who believe but have fallen away either from laziness, boredom or just getting out of practice. After praying the last Novena chaplet, I went to receive the Sacrament of Confession. I received absolution for the sin of not trusting Jesus enough to protect me, to save me and to keep me sane. I did my penance. I feel so much better.

I think that all women feel a certain fear about being believed when things go sideways in their lives. A lot of that, I think, comes from the fact that we are a bit more intuitive than men (it is part of our nature, not something that makes us better) and so sometimes we can sense when someones anger has become a bit more than just 'I don't like that witch of a woman' and borders on 'I am going to get her'. That is what I sensed with LOM. He is just scary weird.

Anyway, now enough people in Modesto know what he has been doing so that he should have received the message of not pursuing this anymore. He needs to find some other hobby, one that does not involve trying to hurt another human being.

I get to go to work tonight. YAY!!!!

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