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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Another Day and Another Sneeze

The saddest part of dealing with insanity has to be trying to stay sane while doing so; I am getting a hint of what my mother went through all those years when I was drinking and denying. I am shocked she looks as young as she does and often wonder, if I had lived my life according to God's Will would she look like a movie star right now?

LOM continues to post denials of stalking and unfortunately he has some people believing and defending him. This is one of the reasons I waited so long to ask for help. I was afraid no one would believe me.

However, being absent from The Hive has given me perspective on the entire episode. I miss being able to share my Catholic Faith there; I do not miss the constant attacks on my character, my sobriety, my veracity and my ancestry. I miss the occasional intelligent interchange. I do not miss people who believe Jesus Christ was a Baptist, President Obama was born in Kenya and that marijuana causes people to become psychotic serial killers.

Perhaps having to leave LOM The Hive as his own little playground is the best gift I can give him. After all, my Catholic Faith and the principles of the program prevent me from driving over to his house and bopping him one right on the nose. So short of that, there does not seem much I can do. He hates my guts and likes to attack. People there do not believe it is LOM doing the attacking. I am powerless over both situations.

On one hand I do think "he won". But the reality is this: he won the right to be a part of a playground that includes really strange little kids. I will never understand anyone who, at middle age, believes the right way to combat racism or hatred is to stand there and call the perpetrator horrible names. I don't care if they are calling me every nasty name in the book (like, for instance, cyber-screaming that I am an adulteress and addicted to pain killers), I am NOT allowed to do the same thing back. Nor will I understand someone who insists on citing as a reference a history book that has been repudiated by its own author.

Making the commitment to stay away was difficult because I have given up a lot in the past three years. However, tonight I received a validation of sorts that working this odd shift is difficult and the communication where I work is not the greatest. E herself is feeling the pinch. She feels left out of the loop, as though V does not appreciate her and she feels as though all her hard work of the past 5 years is going down the drain.

When she shared this with me, I wanted to stand up and shout, "WELCOME TO MY WORLD". I didn't. That would not have been smart. I listened. I commiserated. I told her, "This is how I felt as well". Inside, I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving. Someone was finally understanding how I have felt for almost three years.

The odd part - I don't really feel so bad about this place anymore because it finally dawned on me about a year ago that the only one who really cared about how I was being treated was me and I can't change it.

DOH!

I am intelligent...but I am not swift.

Maybe what I did right is this: I didn't drink, I did not walk away from God and I did not walk away from The Church.

By staying sober and connected to my Higher Power through the Sacramental Life afforded to me by Holy Mother Church I survived. I not only survived, I survived long enough to see one of my tormentors come to the realization that I was not crazy.

It's nice to not be the crazy one.

Today.

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