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Monday, February 11, 2008

Today is a day for Our Lady!

St. Jude, It can be so easy to have a defeatist attitude. Help keep my spirits high during Lent. Amen

Today, if we say a Rosary, we receive a plenary indulgence. For information on this, go to Catholic.com.

BOY do I have to watch my attitude today.......

It is always easy to become discouraged, for it seems as though I am surrounded by people who want to be mean or hurtful. Then I forget how very blessed I am. For one thing, I am not at work right now. Why is this a good thing? Well, I think the honeymoon period at work is over. When I had to deliver my car in for repair, I sent an email to E and to V, as well as left a phone message for V, and I asked that the messages or email be acknowledged so I know they have been received. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Now, V may be very busy because she does have to take her brother to the doctor today. However, E is a different story. If she is not answering me - even a courtesy nod - then it means the honeymoon is over and she is back on slap-in-the-face mode.
I am not scared. I accept the honeymoon is over, that this week she'll be mean and nasty and abusive. Endure, endure, endure....it is what it is and nothing can change it.
Luckily, I have proof of my trying to contact V and E since yesterday about the car being in the shop. I cannot be accused of anything. AND the car is now fine - it was NOTHING major (just needed a new gas cap) and so I can go in on time.

My mother said to me this morning, "You expect people to act like you do and they do not. When they do not, you blame yourself".

OK - that is probably true. And if I did anything extraordinary in my behavior I could see where people might even think I set my standards way too high. I do not. I pray every day. I go to work. I call when I am not going to be somewhere. No matter how I am FEELING at the time I do not walk out on an obligation.
THIS IS NOT HEROIC BEHAVIOR - THIS IS NORMAL BEHAVIOR.
I get very discouraged by people, that's true, because my heart and head tell me that if I can do these things so can they and if they cannot then there is more going on in their lives than I or AA or the Church can help them with - they need a psychiatrist and perhaps they need time in a facility. I understand that sounds harsh, but I am so sick and tired of "but I don't feel like it" as a reason for not doing something. I am so tired of I'm busy" as a reason for not doing something. I am so done with people using their feelings as reality.....and I think to myself, what am I missing here? Should I be doing that too? Maybe THAT'S what normal is....not enduring, not going forward no matter what...no, perhaps I am wrong, and I need to start living my life directed only. by emotions....
One of my sponsees said she needs to be able to tell me something without hearing anything about my life as a response. Ok - then tell me something that is real, not something as stupid as "I was awake at 3am feeling bad so I don't want to stay here at the meeting I took a committment because it is just too hard".

Anyway, I am going to take a shower. I am going to get dressed. I am not going to wait for a phone call from someone. I am not going to beg for attention from these people at work anymore. They know what is going on with me and if they refuse to acknowledge my calls, notes and emails then they obviously do not care to know any updates.

I picked up the car, the car is fine. I am not going to even worry about calling in and letting anyone know what is up with it. If they are concerned they can contact me.

My mother said I need to think of it this way: They trust my judgement and are showing me respect by not asking for updates or acknowledging my emails or phone calls.

ok. I like that idea.

I like that attitude. I like the fact that she can see things in a different way. It helps me.
R told me that at his job (same place I work, different county) the supervisor on day shift is disliked and considered mean and nasty. Everyone wants to work with the graveyard supervisor.

Maybe it is something about working during the day that makes these people angry all the time.
Well, I am going to just relax before I have to head into work. Kathy and Tony are getting married and that is wonderful news. R got a 'more than perfect' score on his first test in a tough class (he got extra credit for answering the extra credit question) and that is wonderful news. I am still losing weight and that is good news. I had a great weekend. I am going to have a good week. That's all there is to it - God, provide me with the grace I need to be the woman You expect me to be and not the woman I want to be, amen.

OH - and I am going to get a plenary indulgence which I need because I do NOT like these women I work with and I have to anyway....doggone it, feelings trumped again by obligation.

I just cannot get away with it.

1 comment:

People Power Granny said...

I am the most unbalanced person out there! But I'm trying to change. See my post at peoplepowergranny.blogspot.com and vote in my poll on what you could do to make your life more balanced. Do you think we really can, or would we really want to?