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Sunday, February 17, 2008

Endurance with JOY

I went to get my monthly blood test at Kaiser today. Duffy went with me. We get to spend so little time together that being able to go with Mom for a drive in the car was a real treat for this little scotty fellow. He got to hang his head out the window and put scotty snot all over the glass - he LOVED it. He thinks we need to do more of that stuff.....

The day is gorgeous. Little hazy but sunshine and blue skies peeking through and a feeling of spring right around the corner. Itchy eyes are worth the sunshine.

Tonight is, of course, the start of the Lenten Mission at St Josephs's so I am going to go to 5pm Mass and then stay for the first preaching. I will also be able to go to tomorrow night's session. The rest I will have to forgo but it will nice to be able to participate a little bit.

Wednesday is the most important day of the week for me right now - I get to go back to my homegroup for one night. It is worth the fact that I will have to work an extra day next week. I am already planning that, if they insist I stay on swing shift, to do it again in April.

I sure would like to know why there is a part of me that feels as though they should be at work today. I earned this weekend off. The courts are closed tomorrow. E is the one who messed up the staffing, let HER go on in over the weekend.
Well, the answer is not as clear cut as "Gee, Leslie, you are so dedicated". Nope. Part of it is underlying jealousy and wanting to make sure that E does not get credit for being a better supervisor than good old me.

Yup. I said it.

This is a very good exercise for me in acceptance and in trusting in God. See, I am a mass of contradictions and not ashamed to admit to it. On the one hand, I do not particularly like V and E and so could care less if I end my career working with them or with someone else. On the other hand, I want them to acknowledge the sacrifices I have made (like giving up my family, RCIA, daily Mass and my regular AA meetings) and respect me for doing so....which they won't because they do not think any of those things are very important.

Silly Leslie - as if the sacrifices I have made are less valuable because they are not acknowledged by people who do not even admit those sacrifices exist.....

Oh it is fun to be me. It is fun to be me because in myself I see all the human foibles that make us so fascinating. We have a need to be a part of something, yet we resist opening up to each other and we know that our sacrifices are necessary but we want someone, anyone, in power to pat us on the back and say, "Good job".
Life is what a person makes of it? No. Life is what God has wrought and our job is to accept it and carry on. Endure. Endure. Endure. The trick is, endure with JOY.
Maybe I am finally getting that - I am starting to understand that enduring with JOY is the key to being able to walk this earth with grace, dignity and my head held high. It is not perfection, it is the striving for perfection. It is not the achievments themselves, it is the striving for the goal and doing it with JOY that gives my life meaning and glory to God.

And I cannot do this without the Sacramental Graces provided me by the Holy Mother Church. Without the Eucharist, the ability to be in the Holy Presence of the Being that keeps me always in His mind and Heart so that I might exist, I could not endure, endure, endure - let alone endure with Joy.

Being tired isn't too bad, really - I think, however, that I better stop telling people I am tired because first of all no one cares and second of all people do not see the honest answer to 'How are you?" as being anything but a complaint; rather, I believe, it is information requested. Since I am out of touch on this subject as well, I think I will revert to the All American Answer - "FINE".

I am looking into the first time low income housing buyers programs for the bay area - the problem is not whether or not I qualify. I do qualify. What I don't have, however, is enough money even with assistance to buy a condo in the gang infested section of Concord.

Endure endure ENDURE Endure.......WITH JOY

1 comment:

Christine said...

LOL! Of course you are allowed to grip every now and then Sissy! I have been on a bit of a gripping session myself the last few days.