I am getting used to saying good-bye

 I remember my mother telling me that she was saying good-bye to more people than she was welcoming into her life.  It made me sad for her, but I now understand what she meant.  It is one of the cycles of life.  As we age, we say good-bye to those we grew old with (or they say good-bye to us).  We bury our parents, siblings, dear friends saying the same thing over and over again but we do it. It is the rhythm of life.

I buried both my parents and my brother and am now waiting to hear whether or not a dear, dear friend I have known since I was 18 years old has entered into her Eternal Life.  She is prepared.  I know because we have had some major talks the past couple of years, late at night when the world is quiet and there is nothing to do but be gut-level honest.  

She has been defeated by the disease I battle every day.  I am successful today because I do what has been taught to me by others who have walked this same path.  She could never do it.  It was not possible for her.  I don't know why.  She knew she had it, knew it could be battled...she just could not stomach the cure.  

Life without alcohol was too ugly for her, too full of anger and resentment towards people who had let her down and been less than perfect.  She could forgive them but could never forget that her dreams had been shattered and she had been forced to live life on Life's Terms and not her own.

Perhaps it is better that none of my dreams have really, ever come true.  I mean, sure I had a successful marriage to a man I loved but in the eyes of the world I am just a loser who lives alone in a house she has to rent, taking care of other people's money and going to Mass every Sunday all alone.  In my eyes I have a life that is second to none, but she could not see that same thing for her.  She had children and grandchildren, a loyal husband,  but it wasn't enough because it wasn't big enough.  

Because so few of my dreams came true ( I do, after all, have two china cabinets), I am pretty darn content with this little life I have.  I am not getting everything I want but I have more than I need.

I love you, Kelly.