"You need endurance to do the will of God and receive what he has promised. 'For, after just a brief moment, he who is to come shall come; he shall not delay. But my just one shall live by faith, and if he draws back I take no pleasure in him.' We are not among those who draw back and perish, but among those who have faith and will possess life."
–Hebrews 10:36-39
My integrity was attacked. It was suggested that I was intentionally mismanaging one of my responsibilities. When word of this got to me I was deeply hurt. My pride and ego were damaged - direct hit! The pain was deeper than anyone can imagine.
Why?
For over 30 years I have worked hard to repair my life. One of the principles I was handed by those walking this path in front of me is the principle of rigorous honesty. Not cash register honesty and not honesty when it is convenient - but every day, in all my affairs, rigorous honesty.
I have become better and better at it over the past three decades. Trust me, one of the most difficult things for me to watch is someone new to this way of life make decisions and take actions based on pride and ego that fly in the face of this principle. It means I have to sit there later and listen to them talk about how wonderful their relationship with God is now and keep my mouth shut. It helps tremendously that I have never forgotten my struggle with this principle. The knowledge that I am a helluva lot better at practicing it today than I was 29 years ago, 20 years ago, 15 years ago...you get the idea.
Discarding the fear that everything I do is going to result in some man with a big booming voice screaming, "BULLSHIT" in my face was very difficult. For the most part, I have been successful but my reality still includes that scenario. When someone makes an assertion that I cannot be trusted my heart goes to that space again - "BULLSHIT", he would scream into my terrified 12 year old face.
The fear is connected to my pride and my ego - not the good ego, but the one that wants only to be loved, believed, honored, treasured, etc. When my integrity is questioned, my pride is hurt. Simple as that - which makes my prayer around the situation easy and what I take into the confessional easy to articulate.
A good priest recently reminded me that the person who lead the attack is my splinter of the cross - he is here to sanctify me, to help me walk towards perfection.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Father. No really...thanks.
See, that's the theology I treasure. There is a reason for suffering. It is not random. This person's attack on me helps me get to heaven.
Now, of course, comes the hard part - forgiveness. Yes, I forgive but do I really? Because quite frankly I do not want him around me anymore and I really want justice and I want the people he hangs out with to know what a mean person he is and and and and and....
You get it, right?
So today my prayer is for God to give me the grace to forgive - TRULY forgive, to relinquish my need for justice and to stop wanting everyone to defend me. That's not their jobs - it is MY job to be a Warrior, to stand with Christ and lean on Him for my defense. I must accept and I must feel the pain of watching someone crumble and put the results of this whole thing into God's Hands. Nothing is written in stone. I am here to play the role God has given me, a friend of mine reminded me. Right now, my role is this and I accept it.
God, give me the grace I need to forgive.
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