tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62218868995542210152024-03-14T10:12:04.938-07:00Quiet ConsecrationCATHOLIC PROUD, born of HUMILITY!Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.comBlogger954125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-85549853592309703642024-03-14T10:11:00.000-07:002024-03-14T10:11:22.808-07:00Boy Is It Good to be HOME!<p> <span style="font-size: medium;">Monday night I got home from the hospital after being there since Tuesday the 5th of March. The pneumonia I have been battling since January had gotten so bad that I now had to be slammed dunked into a bed and hooked up to an IV and otherwise poked and prodded until I could get well enough to come home. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">My body had not been satisfied with having one bacterial infection; without my permission it had grown ANOTHER one. As a result, my iron levels had hit the skids and I was faced with having to get that fixed or get a blood transfusion. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">In other words, I had a fun week.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">The hospital chaplain was a lovely man but I think he was a little sad that I thanked him for praying with me but I need a priest. A CATHOLIC priest. It is okay if the man was Byzantine instead of Latin or even Greek Orthodox (though they don't like us Catholics much). I needed a man of God that practices a Sacramental Liturgical Life, along with all the other prayers from my Protestant, Buddhist, Muslim, Evangelical, Druid or otherwise connected-to-God-types. I only reject offers to send me 'good ju ju' because I never know what that means or whether or not I need a Tupperware container for whatever it is they are sending me. I would rather have cookies.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Father Eddie came that night. I was given the Anointing of the Sick. He heard my confession and I received Our Lord in the Eucharist. My healing began right then.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">It has been a tough week. I have had to defend my lifestyle to Case Managers and Doctors and Nurses. The medical care I received was excellent and I am so grateful. I am very aware that I could be a 68 woman living in a makeshift tent down by the Stanislaus River dying of bacterial pneumonia. The fact that I have medical insurance is a result of me sacrificing a lot - I did not buy some stuff so I could have other stuff - and I am grateful to the financially sound Italian Mother that raised me. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">However, the staff - especially the Case Managers (there were three) - did NOT like that I live alone, in the company of two Scottish Terriers. I was threatened three times with being sent to a nursing home because I do not live with anyone. The fourth time it was brought up, I told the woman that she needed to cross that option off her list. It is not going to happen. I will NOT go to a nursing home. I kept my voice low but firm. I did not cry even though I wanted to do so. I did not tell her to go jump in the lake because I did not want to have to go to Confession again. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I have a village. It is not a village that is conventional by any means. It is made up of ex-criminals, wackos, professionals who are well educated and people who can barely read or write. It is a group that might be covered in tattoos AND wear business suits every single day to their high powered jobs. It is people who had to get felonies cleared from their records so they can go to Canada to visit a relative or get an entry-level job. It is people who never miss Sunday Mass and others who would no sooner put a foot inside a church of any kind than shoot themselves in the hand. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">My village shows up. My dogs are walked, my fridge is full, I am driven to appointments, my calls are taken in the middle of the night, and my house and laundry is done.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Some of these villagers I share blood with, others I do not. However, we all have the same DNA - which means we are family. The DNA won't show up on an Ancestry.com site. It comes out in our actions, our words and how we view our duty to each other.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I live alone with two Scottish Terriers. I am better off here than anywhere else. And while I am grateful for the medical care I received from the fine, FINE people at the hospital I am even more grateful for the love and care I have received from the village I live in.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">My vow is simple: when it is my turn to show up for one of the villagers in need, I will. That's what we do.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Thank you, God, for my life today exactly as it is.....boy am I blessed. AMEN!</span></p><p><br /></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-90120156105956440622024-02-27T15:37:00.000-08:002024-02-27T15:37:51.713-08:00Lessons in Humility Continue<p> On March 1st, 2024 the family will gather to bury my brother's ashes next to our mother, Laura, and our uncle, Jerry. When it is my turn I will join my brother in that same plot which is 'built for two'. </p><p>The past weeks have been one lesson in humility after another. Saying good-bye to John privately that day with our parish priest will stay with me forever. I had promised him that would happen when he was home and I kept my promise. My next promise is to make sure he is buried next to Mom. </p><p>My days as someone's big sister are over. Now I get to just be an aunt, a friend, a cousin...nothing else and nothing exciting and you know what? That is just fine with me.</p><p>I've been dealing with health issues since January and now am being sent to a specialist - this darn pneumonia won't go away. It's kept me mostly housebound with a few forays into the world. I have seen every darn episode of BONES and LAW AND ORDER and I am sure ready to regain my health and go back into the world.</p><p>In other words, the word of the year for me (so far) is HUMILITY. I am reminded regularly that all I am today is a result of the Grace of a loving God because of myself and by myself I don't seem to be able to do much. I still have to get well. I still get to miss my family. I am truly dependent upon my wonderful friends. Of myself...by myself....I get to watch still another episode of CRIMINAL MINDS.</p><p>I will say good-bye to my brother this Friday. I will make sure I have walked as far as I can with him. I will go to the gathering and I will be fine....and then I will go home to rest.</p><p><br /></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-62673234948344294222024-01-26T16:56:00.000-08:002024-01-26T16:56:19.924-08:00Pneumonia!<p> A week ago yesterday I had the 'medical emergency' the Advise Nurse Line always asks the caller about as you are routed for help (if you think you are having a psychiatric or medical emergency, please call...). I called 911 and turned myself in to a wonderful group of professionals who diligently cared for me over the next 8 to 10 hours. It was discovered that I have a 'large pneumonia on the left side through the lower lobe', which (apparently) is pretty darn serious. I have been dealing with the discovery ever since and, once again, found myself learning huge spiritual lessons.</p><p>My late brother dealt with horrific pain the last month of his life. I will never claim to feel what I do not feel because of witnessing his experience. That being said, I have had three different body parts replaced AND one joint reconstructed and man, oh, man this pneumonia thing HURTS. WHO KNEW? I didn't! I seriously didn't know pneumonia can hurt but I know better now. I thought, for the previous week, I had been dealing with trapped gas. In fact when I was in the ambulance, and the EMT gave me a shot of fentanyl, I told him that if it turned out that the pain I was feeling <i>was</i> trapped gas I was going to be horribly embarrassed. </p><p>I learned two things - it wasn't (trapped gas) and fentanyl doesn't last long enough.</p><p>Here at home I have been at the mercy of my own fears. Everyone knows the number one fear - I live alone. What happens if I get sick again? Who is going to help me?</p><p>Well let me tell you - I have never in my life been so loved and cared for as I have this past week. Friends have stepped forward in incredibly practical ways. Shopping, dog care, sitting in the house while I take a shower so I can be safe - they have been there every step of the way. My mail has been picked up. My dogs have been walked. I have received daily check ins from relatives across the country. Tomorrow my bestie best best is going to come help me do some light housekeeping and change the bedding to fresh sheets and pillowcases. I have been loved and cared for and it has been amazing. I am so very, very grateful.</p><p>I've been able to watch three Oscar Nominated films and give people my unsolicited opinion (Flower Moon - amazing. Oppenheimer - outstanding. Barbie - pretentious hogwash. BUT what do I know?) and I am on the hunt to find American Fiction since I am not yet well enough to leave the house and see it in the theatre. My appetite is coming back even if my strength is still iffy. I am getting better. I won't be out dancing soon, but I am getting better.</p><p>The Spirituality of Illness is a real thing. I have been frightened and lonely while I am sick. I got mad at both my brother and my mother while I have struggled this week to breath and stand the pain. I have told God exactly how I felt about the entire situation and He listened and comforted me and reminded me that I have tools today to use in order to weather the storm. It is not enough to just say, "Offer it up!". One must know WHAT we are offering up. And you cannot know the WHAT without prayer and contemplation.</p><p>The WHAT for me is always the fear of being alone, unwanted and unnecessary. While that has lessened tremendously since making sure I daily recite the Litany of Humility it is still an ongoing character flaw that I must recognize and be willing to offer to Jesus as my Sacrifice of Self. Perhaps it is rooted in childhood. Perhaps it is simply my inability to grow the flip up. No matter the cause, it is the flaw in my character that keeps me running to the Father for help, because I need it. I need Him to fill that need.</p><p>I am blessed. I am blessed beyond measure and I cannot thank the people who have helped me enough this past week. May God keep me close, because that is where I want to be - close to Him and all His Kids.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-67964504782869870232024-01-03T11:20:00.000-08:002024-01-03T11:20:40.267-08:00No Longer a Big Sister - Now What?<p> On December 26th, I was 68 years old. That date should have been my baby brother's 62nd Birthday, and my 62nd year as a big sister. However, he left this world and all its suffering behind on December 23rd. On the 22nd I was present when he received the Apostolic Pardon and Blessing. Just as I had held his hand and walked him home when we were kids at Christ the King School, I walked him as far as I could and kept him safe as long as I could. I handed him over to God on the 22nd, and on the 23rd, he went home.</p><p>It is so very difficult not to make the past three years all about me. It feels like I have lost so much - first with Mama and now with my brother but....I am not alone.....He is being mourned by a wife and children and grandchildren and a host of wonderful friends all over the state. His extended family mourns him. The extended family has been lovely to me and kind of watching out for me during this time. I deeply appreciate it because my grief is just....weird. Complicated. I am angry at him for all the time he wasted living a lifestyle that kept us from being as close as we could have been. He scared me so much toward the end of his life but now that I understand the nature of the diseases he was battling - unknown, at the time, to him! - I can let a little of that fear and anger go...a bit at a time. But the waves of regret hit me - if only...if only...if only....where did I go wrong? What were my mistakes? What did I miss? If only...If only....If only.</p><p>There was a great quote that showed up in my email inbox this morning from the late Mother Angelica, founder of EWTN. It basically reminded me not to beat myself up for my feelings, for being human...and reminded me that Faith and Fear and Sadness can all coexist...because I am always striving to be better and to deny my feelings, to ignore my thoughts is lying.....Lying to God and to myself....and we don't want to be like Satan, the father of lies.</p><p>So I refuse to put these thoughts and fears and tears aside. I am no longer someone's daughter or someone's big sister. My parents are gone, my brother is gone. I am left to try and carry on traditions that no one but me seems to even care about and so I find myself letting them slip away...slowly and slowly and slowly....no inside Christmas decorations this year except for the display of cards. I did put out my Advent Wreath and prayed every day....I didn't give that up.</p><p>I'm sad and I am tired. </p><p>I will survive this, of course, and I am going to be okay....</p><p>But I am sad and I am tired and that is not going to change anytime soon.</p><p><br /></p><p>Please keep us in prayer.....</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-4249991861159706012023-12-23T18:36:00.000-08:002023-12-23T23:19:24.746-08:00Losing a Sibling at Christmas Time<p>On my sixth birthday, my mom gave birth to my baby brother. It was one of the happiest days of my life. My family was in total disarray. My father had disappeared and my family from San Francisco and Martinez were taking care of me and all I could think of was, "I get to be a big sister".</p><p>We had a tradition in my old neighborhood. Because all the houses had been constructed around huge picture windows that looked out onto our front porches, whenever a new baby came to a household the neighborhood kids were introduced to the new baby through that window. The new mom would hold the newborn in her lap and all us kids would gather on the front porch to see the baby. I wanted to be the one standing next to the mom. I wanted those kids on MY front porch. I didn't like being an only child - I wanted a baby in our household.</p><p>The day I got to do that is stuck in my memory forever. I was just so darn proud. It happened on New Year's Eve. My brother had been born on December 26, 1961 and I got to be the big sister in the picture window December 31st, 1961. My world was forever changed. </p><p>The next years were so wonderful. I was Sissy. He adored me and I got to protect, play with, teach and take care of the baby. Yes, our father had left us but the three of us were so united. He would sit on her lap and I would dance and sing for him. His favorite song was one I made up. "Hello Mr. Wet Pants. How are You today?". He thought I was incredibly talented. I agreed with his assessment.</p><p>Our lives have not been easy but up until very recently he was always my baby brother. I did not agree with how he decided to live his life and he thought I was a big bore. However, I always love him no matter what and every birthday I knew there was someone else on the planet I was exactly five years and forty-five minutes older than. </p><p>Sometimes I hated the way he behaved as an adult. He felt the same about me. However, when the call came about his illness I had no problem telling him I loved him and was here for him no matter what.</p><p>There will be only one or two people left on the planet that will get my jokes when he leaves this earth. </p><p>Christmas will never be the same for me.....but oh my gosh the Christmasses we had will live in infamy and I am so damn grateful for every year we had together.</p><p><br /></p><p>Good bye, baby brother. Sissy loves you. Please, say hi to Mom for us...I have a feeling you are going to beat Dad there but Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Jerry and all the rest are waiting for you.</p><p>Please, help the Niners get to the Superbowl this year, okay?</p><p><br /></p><p>John Stephen Shaw</p><p>12/26/1961 - 12/23/2023</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtW53ix0i4W8SfKqgK0xscpfSoBMkmqMTu2fEJnNJw-Rt-JKR7q2yAIfae4FfoO5rXeBQ18qZx6MjwbMW83padekGfAHUodibHDXvGSqVO1G_AslPlljyQzYFK5AKO0hbNNadMS-lamPFTKsr7rVkMdaonzeIUgVOuU6DrtZiX7VTkNCIyHhtAngF-Wa_H/s1024/7F2FA075-505F-4BC4-A86F-D70703CA47C1_1_105_c.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="768" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtW53ix0i4W8SfKqgK0xscpfSoBMkmqMTu2fEJnNJw-Rt-JKR7q2yAIfae4FfoO5rXeBQ18qZx6MjwbMW83padekGfAHUodibHDXvGSqVO1G_AslPlljyQzYFK5AKO0hbNNadMS-lamPFTKsr7rVkMdaonzeIUgVOuU6DrtZiX7VTkNCIyHhtAngF-Wa_H/s320/7F2FA075-505F-4BC4-A86F-D70703CA47C1_1_105_c.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-50104662498631779362023-11-20T06:49:00.000-08:002023-11-20T06:49:33.376-08:00This Morning the Dam Burst<p> This author does not like to admit defeat despite feeling better every time I do. </p><p>The past several years have been difficult for me. Now, before anyone offers advice trust me that I am keenly aware of how very blessed I am right now. I keep my gratitude front and center and know that, compared to others in the world, my problems pale in comparison. </p><p>However, there has been a lot of loss in my life and a great deal of adjustment to that loss. I have made terrible mistakes and people I counted on have left me as a result of those mistakes. I do not blame them; I accept their decisions. </p><p>This morning, for whatever reason, the dam burst and my morning meditation turned into a torrent of tears. All I could say was "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" over and over again. That was my prayer - His Holy Name - over and over and over. At the end of I was left with swollen eyes, a stuffed up nose and a sore throat from crying but other than that, hey! I'm good!</p><p>What I have experienced in the past three years is not important. Suffice to say most of you reading this have gone through much worse and my heart does go out to you. What does matter is that I not pretend everything has been hunky dory. It hasn't. </p><p>That being said, I have had some amazing things happen in the past three years along with the sorrow and loss. I have new and old friends in my life. That has held me up. I have new goals and new hopes and new dreams. I have a life today that is second to none and I am guessing that today's lesson is pretty simple: one can feel incredibly grateful at the same time they are incredibly sad. One can acknowledge the beauty and accept the ugly and it can live side by side in my consciousness. I am not crazy, I am a human creature trying to walk with grace and dignity.</p><p>God has graced me so much and for that I am eternally grateful and aware. However, this morning the dam burst and I just let the tears flow. </p><p>Then I put on my make up and lipstick, brushed my hair and went forward. I cannot do anything else.</p><p>May today be a day of love and light for you. If you need Him, God is there and trust me the prayer I prayed was enough for today.</p><p><br /></p><p>Jesus, Jesus, Jesus....I offer myself to Thee.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-43885944606063492232023-11-08T07:31:00.001-08:002023-11-08T07:31:50.625-08:00Trying Hard - Is that the problem?<p> Gratitude maintained in the face of depression is a full time job. It is a job that can help others and sometimes that is the only reward.</p><p>I am grateful today. I am also sad. I am sad because the fragile family I had when my mother was alive fell apart and I failed to keep it connected. Unlike her, my personality was either too strong or not strong enough. It doesn't really matter. </p><p>I miss her. I miss my grandmother. I miss decorating the house and welcoming people into its cozy space. I miss it all and I understand that, while that time of my life has passed, it is okay to miss it. People change. Life is not stagnant. I am okay.</p><p>My hope is for those who have what I want. I hope their lives are fantastic. I hope they get whatever God wills for them and that they accept it with the grace He provides.</p><p>I am going to go have coffee.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-81145935551903031232023-11-04T06:43:00.000-07:002023-11-04T06:43:41.157-07:00Today I am Grateful for....<p> I have been doing a daily gratitude list that I share with another member of my circle for over a year now. It is a good habit to have and it requires me, after morning prayer, to acknowledge that I have good things in my life. There are good people. There is a modicum of safety. There is a great deal of peace.</p><p>A daily gratitude list can be difficult to assemble. There are some mornings I wake up sad that people I love have left The Church, or that I have been set aside by others as they rush headlong into their daily life. Those thoughts can dominate my day if I do not pause and assemble my list of what I have in this life right now that is good, solid and true.</p><p>And I have a lot! I have a safe place to live and financial stability. I have two dogs that enjoy my company and a good group of solid friends, both on social media and in the flesh, that enrich my life. I hope I do the same for them.</p><p>There are always going to be times when I wish I had chosen better as a young woman but I also recognize that my choices have given me a perspective that is unique and valuable in the world. I guess regret can be inevitable for short spurts of time. It's okay when it hits. The response to those regrets is what makes my life successful and I choose, today, to be grateful for my past and for the tough decision I had to make this year. It is important to be whole, to be integrated. Living a life of integrity matters. </p><p>With God's Grace I get to do that today. Because I have made that choice, I get to do things I would never have gotten to do.</p><p>Thank you, God, for my life today exactly as it is; I wouldn't change a thing, even if I could!</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-59208250285027772492023-11-03T07:51:00.002-07:002023-11-08T07:33:45.101-08:00Gratitude<p> I have so much to be grateful for and I make sure that I start my day with a gratitude list in order to remind myself that gloom and doom is not reality. I believe I was born disappointed and no matter what I cannot shake this inherent attitude of going through life like Eyore. </p><p>Gratitude is an attitude, it is a description and it is a goal. Disappointment can exist side-by-side with gratitude. I want to make sure I can differentiate between the two - am I disappointed by circumstances and am I letting that disappointment dominate my outlook? Probably. If that is the case, the answer is to grow up, shake it off and get on with it. </p><p>Am I dealing with a disorder of some kind - that mental illness that hits people when the seasons change and the world gets darker? Maybe. If so then the answer is do what needs to be done to combat that - walk, laugh, watch comedies on Netflix rather than adaptations of Edgar Allen Poe stories (which I really love, by the way). </p><p>The answer seems to be to make a deliberate choice to look for the good and combat the bad. Is it a spiritual battle, a physical one, a mental disorder? I don't know but it probably doesn't matter. Just take the action and be ready to help someone.</p><p>I am grateful today. I will try my best to be grateful all day. Lord, give me the strength I need.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-32124725570609314932023-10-17T18:11:00.003-07:002023-10-17T18:13:41.450-07:00Oh My GOSH I am a GRUMPY OLD LADY!<p> I have this overwhelming desire to just open the front door and yell, "Get off my lawn!".</p><p>The problem?</p><p>1) I live in a gated community where the average age is probably 70.</p><p>2) No one is on my lawn.</p><p><br /></p><p>The first one should probably be second but that isn't the point. The point is I have grown horribly intolerant of the posts on social media that begin "You All" and then go on to describe something horrific at worst, stupid at best.</p><p>My pride is hurt. I am lumped into You All and find a need to defend those of us who are not what they are describing.</p><p>I am also very tired of so-called 'Liberal' Catholics taking swipes at beautiful, orthodox customs of The Church. They find the title 'consecrated virgin' denigrating - and cannot express why, other than to tell the rest of us that we are not sophisticated enough to understand their reasoning. This leads me to believe that they thought everyone would agree with them, are shocked that many of us see it as a beautiful gift to God and so they retreat behind smugness and attempted superiority.</p><p>My pride is hurt and I must correct them.</p><p>Oh, did I mention that I am tired of the ultra Right Wing Catholics who still demand that I vote GOP or I am not a good Catholic? They use secular, worldly arguments to try and dissuade me from voting American Solidarity party, finally ending their pleas with an appeal to my relationship with God. When I tell them WHY I do not vote for their party and WHY I chose one that is founded on solid, Catholic, Social Teachings, their only reply is that I am lost. </p><p>My pride is hurt and I must convince them.</p><p>Did I mention I am tired of people using the term MARSHALL Law when they mean martial? Tired of people who think being overweight should be dealt with in a meeting of a twelve step program that is dedicated to alcoholics? Tired of people who don't understand that driving the speed limit should not be cause for road rage and attempted murder?</p><p>I guess, maybe, I am just tired.</p><p>Being someone who tries every day to not give in to the darker side of her nature does not make me a saint; rather, it makes me someone who tires quickly when the world doesn't behave in accordance with my wishes.</p><p>I guess that means I better welcome more people onto my lawn and ask God to give me the grace to love rather than correct or teach or ... or.....</p><p><br /></p><p>Thank God He doesn't throw away people like me - even though, we may make Him very, very tired.</p><p><br /></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-22549022426580887982023-09-11T07:40:00.002-07:002023-09-12T08:23:08.636-07:00Really? Did you MEAN that?<p> There are two people on my 'friends' list who call themselves Catholic that constantly post some of the dumbest stuff I have ever read on Social Media. They are at opposite ends of the political spectrum, which simply proves my point that the Catholic Conservative and the Catholic Liberal are two sides of the same coin - a coin that is made from the toughest metal on the planet. Pride. </p><p>I also know that I suffer from that sin because I sometimes get it in my head that I have to respond to their posts. Even now, rather than just scrolling on by, I need to point out to them how mean and nasty they are sounding. It will not do any good. They are both similar in personalities and will keep digging the holes of idiocy they stand in. I have witnessed them flat out make things up in order to 'win'. Often, they to the age old "well this is how I FEEL" as their argument.</p><p>So why does this bother me?</p><p>I am a consecrated Lay Dominican. I have made promises to uphold Truth. I am in ongoing training every day to use my head for something other than holding my ears apart and I find myself offended when someone who waves their little Catholic Banner HIGH in front of people make up stupid arguments or say dumb things. People will think they represent The Church. Their logic is faulty, the way the put a sentence together stinks and I cannot fathom why ANYONE would think that way.</p><p>Worst of all? They come across as smug and self-righteous.</p><p>Yup...this is what I think.</p><p>And, who cares?</p><p>Seriously - aren't I just as bad? Don't I really want to be agreed with, to be seen as a 'Good Catholic'? Don't I want people who read my stuff to think I have a high IQ?<br /><br /></p><p>Of course I do.</p><p>When I see my own character defect of pride rear its ugly head, I should just disengage. These two sisters of the mind - they are SO alike it is hilarious (though they'd horribly offended by this opinion of mine) - could care less, have a low opinion of me ANYWAY and think the way I approach Catholicism is horribly Liberal/Conservative - flip a coin.</p><p>Time for me to just let them both go. Who gives a damn - if people think they are The Church, that will be on them.</p><p>As for me?</p><p><br /></p><p>I'll just keep plugging along - and scrolling on by.....</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-76982555315161076922023-09-03T18:32:00.002-07:002023-09-03T18:32:35.750-07:00I am Really Trying to Figure Out Forgiveness<p><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">Jesus teaches that we are to always forgive and that the only unforgivable sin is a sin against The Holy Spirit. In fact, that sin is the 'sin unto death' and is specified in several passages of the Synoptic Gospels. Aquinas identifies them as despair, presumption, a firm determination to never repent and a kind of general rejection of God's Love. I hope never to commit that or any sin that keeps me from heaven. I am grateful I live the Sacramental Life Jesus provides so that if I fall, I can find the grace of forgiveness.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">When it comes to forgiveness, Jesus asks one thing of me - He asks for my repentance. It is not enough to simply carry on as though I didn't hurt Him. I must admit my fault, ask for forgiveness and then do my utmost to not commit the same sin again. The real gift, therefore, is His Mercy because it is infinite. I have never been denied absolution when I admit my sins. No priest has ever said, "Look, you did the same thing last week...I am not going to absolve you of this sin ever again so knock it off". Rather, I have been counseled as to how to not do it again - to avoid it and its near occasion - but if I fall again and I am truly ashamed and sorry then I receive His Mercy once more time.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I guess that is what I have to become - a fount of infinite mercy. That is what I struggle with - how to be Christ Like.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I feel like Jeremiah. God has duped me, but I allowed myself to be duped. I told the Truth and now I am the outcast. I am rejected by my own kind. I should be grateful I haven't been thrown down a cistern.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I faltered. I sinned. I was told to repent, to make amends. I did. In the end that didn't matter.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">I want to be someone who shows mercy, but quite frankly? </span></p><p><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: medium;">It scares me.</span></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-67322228428037928232023-08-06T16:58:00.002-07:002023-08-06T16:58:35.934-07:00What To Do, What To Say<p> <span style="font-size: medium;">Trying to decide what to write about is always a problem. There are tons of great issues out there to wax philosophical about but the reality is that no one really cares what one woman's opinion is today. Politics, sports, religion, economics - no one really cares. What people really care about is whether or not they have a shot at being the eternal victim.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">The need to be oppressed is permeating every aspect of our society. This means, of course, that one must have an oppressor. If you have an oppressor then you not only have someone to hate but you have someone (or someones) to focus your ire upon. This relieves one of the responsibility of looking at either their own behavior or the behavior of their particular King/Queen and being quietly objective. It is not necessary to ask the hard questions of yourself if you can point outward and say, "It is their fault!" OR "But they are WORSE than me and NO ONE ELSE CARES".</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I made a choice over three decades ago to get and stay sober by rejecting that philosophy and trying my best to accept personal responsibility for any wrongs I have done. Over the years that has evolved. I get to continue to do that, of course, but I also have to make sure I do not take on the responsibility of other people's bad behavior. If I do that too much, I become a doormat. I do not want, nor would my God want, that of me. I am a woman of grace and dignity. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">So while I must be willing to live this life, I must never expect anyone else to live this life. I have something that works for me. I am willing to teach others how to do it but I cannot expect they will do it. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">And if I am okay with this life? Then that has to be its own reward.</span></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-74424675164515806322023-07-16T17:15:00.003-07:002023-07-17T17:37:51.015-07:00I don't like your conspiracy theory; Here's MINE<p>Yesterday my friend and I went to see the movie <i>The Sound of Freedom</i>. It is a very well crafted account of the work of Tim Ballard, a man of faith (member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) who went from hunting pedophiles to concentrating on freeing their victims from slavery. Independently produced and distributed, the film beat out the (God we can only hope) final installment of <i>Raiders of the Lost Ark</i> saga the weekend both films were released. That is remarkable, unless one remembers that the last <i>Raiders</i> movie stunk to high heaven and movie goers are not that stupid.</p><p>I really liked the film, with one caveat. There was an annoying technique used in the making of the movie about Fr. Stu used in this movie and I now suspect all the cinematographers working on these films took the same class at USC grad school. It is the use of big giant close ups. I don't mean a regular classic film close up with the actor framed in a certain way. I mean the camera is so close the the actor's face you can't see anything but their face <i>all the time.</i> It's gotta be a new technique. It is being overused.</p><p>That's it. That is my only complaint. The rest of the movie is well done, the acting by the ensemble cast of easily recognized character actors and one Oscar winner blows it off the screen. The children are wonderful - the two playing Rocio and Miguel are precious - and Bill Camp's portrayal of the reformed cartel guy who now rescues sex slaves is remarkable. In fact, all the actors playing the bad guys in this were amazing. Jim Caviezel, as always, turns in a quiet, understated, true and solid performance. </p><p>Now, because it took five years for the makers of this film to get the rights back from the original distributor and because of the politics of some of the actors, many of the powers-that-be have declared its subject matter to be another QAnon Fantasy. This is because the QAnon Fantasy includes a DNC run child pedophile ring where politicians like Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi drink the blood of children, and because of that PizzaGate thing, and because most of the nuts who believe QAnon are Trump fans. The far left, so quick to embrace the truth of the subject matter of TAKEN with Liam Neeson reject this movie's subject matter because its star embraced some pretty flipped out stuff during the COVID lock down.</p><p>Yet, we KNOW that pedophiles are real and numerous. These same people who dismiss this film will jump on any headline - no matter how old - if it deals with a pedo ring that includes priests, rabbis or ministers. </p><p>And we KNOW that sex trafficking is real. Any Vice Cop will tell you horror stories of busting 12 year old prostitutes - male and female - and somehow I don't think those kids were sitting at home and trying to decide between joining the Glee Club or becoming a 'Sex Worker'. </p><p>I reject QAnon but I have come up with my own crackpot idea - so hear me out....</p><p><br /></p><p>I propose the following: the people RUNNING QAnon are the ones running international sex trafficking networks.</p><p>Think about it.</p><p>If they can get people to get caught up in the wild, out there, Elder of Zion types of fantasy that takes the emphasis off of the rather mundane world of selling a 10 year old Colombian boy or girl to the head of a major corporation then they can operate with impunity. If they can make some well-intentioned guy from Louisiana drive to Washington D.C. with the intent of freeing non-existent children held captive in the non-existent basement of a pizza parlour the subsequent publicity over THAT poor guy's monumental blunder makes it that much harder for the Tim Ballards of the world to get support for what THEY are doing. And because the fantasies that QAnon has come up with (using Disney, Pope Francis, all kinds of stuff) are so bizarre they are lots more fun to believe in, because having to confront the mundane evil of this issue can be devastating. It can hurt too much to realize that it exists because there is a market for it - simple economics. Simple supply and demand.</p><p>Because I am not a Democrat and not a Republican, I get to stand back while the two sides throw "you are worse than us" stuff at each other. I suspect there are just as many Democrats doing children as their are Republicans and I would bet that those Republicans have hung out with Trump and those Dems have hung out with Nancy. I have no illusions when it comes to men and women in power. Power corrupts. All of us (even the atheists) suffer from the effects of Original Sin. Those in power have to be pretty darn strong to resist the corruption and if you are already a party boy or girl? Watch out...here it comes.</p><p>BY THE WAY - those of you who do not want anyone asking questions when a 'woman' goes to a clinic to get an abortion?</p><p>Frame your objection within the lines of the issue of sex trafficked little girls. Then, ask yourself if you are really comfortable with that 12 year old girl with the hulking 'boyfriend' or hovering 'older sister' waiting outside not being questioned when she shows up to get an abortion. Ask yourself if what is happening to her is really health care.</p><p>Go see this movie. You will be laughing, crying and get pissed off all at once. </p><p><br /></p><p>Just go.</p><p>And remember, God's children are not for sale.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-80455522159329796592023-07-03T02:12:00.002-07:002023-07-03T02:12:53.177-07:00When Someone Takes Your Inventory<p> I have been given information about myself that I am trying to process. It has lead to my being banned from something I love to do. I feel this odd mixture of sadness and relief. On the one hand, I am sure the person is right. I have been too negative and there have been complaints about me. I thought I had made amends for those errors but what I see now is that those mistakes will be held against me forever. </p><p>So what happens when someone takes my inventory and it is unfair and lopsided? </p><p>I thank them for their insight and go away.</p><p>Sure, it would be nice to have some justice in the situation but that is not going to happen. </p><p>So, I accept. I have been too negative. I have made mistakes that cannot be forgiven. I walk away and do not look back because it will do not good.</p><p>Will I miss doing what I love? Absolutely. I know God has a plan and will hold me up. I can cry all I want; that chapter of my life is over.</p><p>Walk away, be kind, do not seek 'closure'. Just go forward and try to be a better me.</p><p>Jesus, give me the grace to accept that I am decreasing while others increase. Amen.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-45873421187251892122023-06-07T13:44:00.001-07:002023-06-07T13:44:29.442-07:00Justifiable Anger<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> A few days ago Lola was attacked by a big dog. The dog had gotten away from its owner, a young lad here in my neighborhood. She was not hurt. The young man was visibly shaken by what had happened (and what could have been a tragedy). I found myself calming both him and my dog. I was afraid he would start crying - he is maybe 14 or 15 years old and a very nice young man. His Mom saw what happened and zoomed over and was as nice as nice can be - she gave me her card and said to keep her informed if there is any vet bills involved. There aren't. I made it a point to let her know the next morning that Lola is fine.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">What struck me about the situation is how far I have come from the chaos that was my father's way of handling a situation. I guarantee he would have screamed that kid into a heart attack, ruined any chance of a good relationship I might have with that neighbor and otherwise embarrassed me and himself - all in the name of justifiable anger.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I cannot afford justifiable anger.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I did fine - Lola is okay and has quieted down from her high state of anxiety after the attack. She was royally pissed off about what happened but after 36 hours she has calmed down, her training is going well and she may do okay in the ring this weekend. She still has her bit of acne on the nose but it is better and I think her biggest drawback is me. I am an inexperienced handler.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">This morning, however, I felt all the emotions from that day. And then something went wrong and I wanted to rip into the person who made the mistake. I could feel it - the need to just let someone have it right between the eyes.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Instead I remembered to pause and call a sister and talk with her before I did anything. Then, I was able to make the phone call without a problem and the mistake was corrected and I made a new friend. There you go...my way of life today is far better than the one I was modeled by my Dad.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I cannot afford justifiable anger.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">It matters, I think, that I have chosen a new way of life but it matters more that I do my best to live the principles of that life. Without making THAT choice it just becomes another nice philosophy that means nothing. If I don't try to live it, I cannot benefit from it.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Because, guess what?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I cannot afford justifiable anger.</span></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-8636514306673614562023-05-05T17:15:00.002-07:002023-05-05T17:15:19.140-07:00What a Life I live Today<p> It was still difficult to celebrate my sobriety yesterday without my Mom; however, I received what I believe was a direct gift from her. </p><p>While I was out there drinking and drugging, my mother prayed a Rosary every day for me. I firmly believe her prayers helped guide me to where I needed to be in order to find the life I get to live today.</p><p>Yesterday morning, around 0430, I started to wake up because in my head I heard her voice, over and over again. What was she saying?</p><p><br /></p><p>"Hail Mary, Full of Grace! The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, JESUS. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen".</p><p>Over and over again until I woke up and began to pray with her. </p><p>I know that was a gift from my mother. I am so grateful for it. I am as grateful for that gift as I am for all the text message, the phone calls, the cards, everything I received from people who have walked this journey with me for the past 31 years.</p><p>I feel so sorry for those who have no faith in anything. I feel sad for those who have faith in governments or people or money or power or prestige. I understand how hard it can be to walk through the world as I do but the rewards are amazing.</p><p>So for all those who suffered as I once did, I pray my Rosary every day. I lift them up and put them into the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I know what MY will is for them but I give them to Him and say, "Thy Will, not MINE, be done".</p><p>It can't hurt!</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-72572236119538390822023-05-04T06:33:00.001-07:002023-05-04T06:33:12.839-07:00STAR WARS DAY AND SOBRIETY<p> I celebrate - today - THIRTY ONE YEARS OF CONTINUOUS SOBRIETY.</p><p><br /></p><p>Unbelievable.</p><p><br /></p><p>Thank you, God.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-5610592091287558772023-04-14T06:28:00.002-07:002023-04-14T06:28:16.190-07:00Waking up<p> Good morning and welcome to Easter Friday!</p><p><br /></p><p>I watched an interesting television show last night. It is a long running show about NY cops and DAs and perps and skells and all that stuff that cop shows do. The particular storyline was about a very wealthy and powerful woman who set temptation in front of other, powerful men and then secretly filmed their capitulation to sin. She did it to prove a point - not simply to blackmail them - and the point was that the problem in the world is men. They are violent predators, untrustworthy whores, incapable of living lives of devotion and fidelity. </p><p>What was interesting to me was the way the male characters were portrayed. None of them were upset about the people they had victimized but all of them were willing to ask for help for their predilitions because, well, they had been caught in the act. Confronted by their sins, each one said (in a variety of ways) that they cannot help themselves and they need help and they would cooperate with authorities if they got that help.</p><p>I didn't watch the whole show and do not know how it was resolved. It did make me think, however, about how I approach my sin. Do I only admit what I get caught at or am I willing, on a daily basis, to go deeper and ask myself how I did for the past 24 hours? Can I do better?</p><p>Since February Ash Wednesday I have been praying the Litany of Humility - at least twice a day but sometimes more. The philosophy behind that prayer is not new. It is something I have been striving for and trying desperately to live by for over 30 years now. However, that Litany has touched me in a way no other prayer has and it has truly changed my life. </p><p>In many ways, I have been delivered.</p><p>The fear and wants I have been slave to for my entire life are being lifted. If my mind returns to them - especially the Need to be Right - I pause and recite that prayer again. I have been able to ignore so much, remove myself from the need to make myself heard in anyway. God is protecting me from a longtime abuser and opening my eyes to that abuse that I was willing to suffer 'because' - my mom had so I should, the kids had so I should, because the abuser was a victim too so the bad behavior must be overlooked...and today I no longer have to live that way.</p><p>This is all new to me. I am still trying to wrap my head around this new way of life. I slip but when I do, that prayer has helped me get back on track. For that I am so grateful.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-51870127786888283872023-04-03T17:19:00.003-07:002023-04-03T17:19:46.233-07:00Holy Week Begins<p> Yesterday was Palm Sunday. This Holy Week is very strange. No family. No involvement with RCIA stuff. I am going to be speaking up in Sacramento for people like me but other than that? Mass on Sunday and nothing. Me and my dogs.</p><p>I miss Mom and my family but I do not miss the drama. The constant fear and tension - will Dad be okay this time or will there be another explosion over someone who has a different opinion on whatEVER.</p><p>The last few years we would go to our cousins because they had kids but now those people aren't speaking to each other so those days are over.</p><p>Being the Last Catholic Standing can be a lonely business around the holidays. However, I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be in His Church than at a barbecue with people who doubt His existence.</p><p>This is Holy Week. It is a time of prayer and introspection. I am glad I am Catholic. I am grateful for His Sacrifice. </p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-68625027479730421182023-03-21T08:27:00.007-07:002023-03-21T08:27:54.552-07:00March Madness Continues - Litany of Trust<p style="text-align: center;"><b>The Litany of Trust</b></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;">From the belief that
I have to earn Your love
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear that I am unlovable
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the false security
that I have what it takes
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear that trusting You
will leave me more destitute
Deliver me, Jesus.
From all suspicion of
Your words and promises
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the rebellion against
childlike dependency on You
Deliver me, Jesus.
From refusals and reluctances
in accepting Your will
Deliver me, Jesus.
From anxiety about the future
Deliver me, Jesus.
From resentment or excessive
preoccupation with the past
Deliver me, Jesus.
From restless self-seeking
in the present moment
Deliver me, Jesus.
From disbelief in Your love and presence
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being asked
to give more than I have
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the belief that my life
has no meaning or worth
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of what love demands
Deliver me, Jesus.
From discouragement
Deliver me, Jesus.
That You are continually holding me,
sustaining me, loving me
Jesus, I trust in You.
That Your love goes deeper than my
sins and failings and transforms me
Jesus, I trust in You.
That not knowing what tomorrow
brings is an invitation to lean on You
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You are with me in my suffering
Jesus, I trust in You.
That my suffering, united to Your own,
will bear fruit in this life and the next
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You will not leave me orphan,
that You are present in Your Church
Jesus, I trust in You.
That Your plan is better
than anything else
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You always hear me and in
Your goodness always respond to me
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You give me the grace to accept
forgiveness and to forgive others
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You give me all the strength
I need for what is asked
Jesus, I trust in You.
That my life is a gift
Jesus, I trust in You.
That You will teach me to trust You</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-87912397882299611942023-03-20T17:12:00.004-07:002023-03-20T17:12:55.006-07:00March Madness and the Litany of Humility<p style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>THE LITANY OF HUMILITY</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the desire of being esteemed,</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Deliver me, Jesus.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the desire of being loved...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the desire of being extolled ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the desire of being honored ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the desire of being praised ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the desire of being preferred to others...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the desire of being consulted ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the desire of being approved ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the fear of being humiliated ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the fear of being despised...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the fear of suffering rebukes ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the fear of being calumniated ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the fear of being forgotten ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the fear of being ridiculed ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the fear of being wronged ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">From the fear of being suspected ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">That others may be loved more than I,</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">That others may be esteemed more than I ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">That, in the opinion of the world,</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">others may increase and I may decrease ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">That others may be chosen and I set aside ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">That others may be preferred to me in everything...</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…</span></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-21284567117939609262023-02-05T19:27:00.001-08:002023-02-05T19:27:21.063-08:00Lola the Scottie<p>She was born on November 29th, 2022. On January 31st we flew home from Maryland together and now she lives with me.</p><p>Robbie is not real impressed. I am trying to give him a lot of attention. She sure is cute.</p><p><br /></p><p>This is a new adventure for me. I have wanted to be a dog breeder but not some podunk back yard operation where the buyer has no idea what type of dog they are getting. I have wanted to do it right. I knew I would never get to do it until I was alone. Now I am - and I am learning as much as I can so I can do this in an honorable way.</p><p>I was able to visit the FDR Memorial while I was back picking up the new puppy. It has a statue of his Scottie - Fala - and I know how he felt. They are a special type of dog. Not for everyone. Stubborn and smart and willful and loyal and they think they are a lot bigger than they really are - they are the dog for me.</p><p>Her around the house name will be Lola. </p><p>Finally, after all these years, I feel as though my life is becoming something beautiful.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr4faqAB3mCadk3BEQGDaaP4X7X0Pz_TjAN2qltQJBZpToFHEIQ7IFEfCIWIRAXdONB5WeNF5GxaHGXi-hmC5auFLBl6r-PNRI1BlzZG0kIxtsyFp9gBfqP1kMPcQzQLW4DUs79H0FQd6wXGAMQ-0mCRFPihekvJSx8YD90CmVSLK5miuROK_SBPEpDg/s1797/IMG_1485.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1341" data-original-width="1797" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr4faqAB3mCadk3BEQGDaaP4X7X0Pz_TjAN2qltQJBZpToFHEIQ7IFEfCIWIRAXdONB5WeNF5GxaHGXi-hmC5auFLBl6r-PNRI1BlzZG0kIxtsyFp9gBfqP1kMPcQzQLW4DUs79H0FQd6wXGAMQ-0mCRFPihekvJSx8YD90CmVSLK5miuROK_SBPEpDg/s320/IMG_1485.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-65747687178356021782023-01-12T06:05:00.005-08:002023-01-12T06:05:54.289-08:00Give Up the Right to Be Right<p> I am blessed today to have a group of women in my life who acknowledge their own failings, their own lack of humility and their struggles with pride. To listen to them speak honestly about themselves is to hear them enumerate their failing to live up the program, to live the Faith, to live up to the standards they have embraced. </p><p>Not many people do this because it is not popular today. It is considered 'negative self talk' rather than an 'honest evaluation of my shortcomings'. I understand the difference - one has no purpose other than to be manipulative. It is done not to be honest and to find a solution; rather, it is done with the hope that someone listening will interrupt me and say, "Oh no, Leslie, don't talk that way about yourself. Don't admit you struggle with obesity. Don't admit you struggle with pride. Don't say out loud that you get angry, hurt and defensive.". The other, however, is done as an admission - even at group level - that I have failed one more time to be the person I want to be in order to bring the Light of Christ to my corner of the world. </p><p>That is where I am at today - I am trying, with a true intention - to simply give up my 'right' to <i>be</i> right. I am sacrificing my need to be heard, acknowledged, understood, cared for, thought well of.....all of it, I hand over to the God of my understanding. </p><p>My morning meditation today included this from Holy Scripture:</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #b06303; font-family: proxima-nova, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; margin: 13px 0px; padding: 0px;">"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make straight your paths."</p><p><cite style="background-color: white; color: #b06303; font-family: proxima-nova, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">–Proverbs 3:5-6</cite></p><p>I am letting go of my own insight and I am going to accept an unflattering opinion of me expressed to me, by someone in an area of ministry I love. I was hurt by the words but it was necessary. I am not going to defend myself. I am simply going to say to the woman, and to God, "Thank you for sharing my failings with me. That will never happen again". </p><p>I am then going to move forward with, again, the intention of being guided by the Holy Spirit. However God wishes me to serve His Church and His people?</p><p>I will let go of the way <i>I</i> want to serve, the way I think I am best suited and the way I LOVE to serve. I will step back and put myself at God's disposal.</p><p>If I am supposed to be in any kind of active ministry? It will be revealed. </p><p>If I am only to be quiet and in the background - a prayer support - I will do that for Him</p><p>I want to be a saint. It's up to Him to show me how.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6221886899554221015.post-81111122208879634402022-12-30T07:36:00.000-08:002022-12-30T07:36:08.197-08:002022 In Review<p> What a year. This 2022 year was really...uh...something.</p><p>I retired - twice. The second time was not too wonderful but that was my fault as I reacted poorly to someone else's questionable behavior. I have an unsettled feeling about that whole thing but am still fearful of the person and their reactions. Someone has offered a means to clean that up. I am willing but not hopeful.</p><p>Someone I love more than my own life had a spectacular meltdown. It ended up being the catalyst for a total life turn about and today they are doing better than anyone could hope. I am so grateful I got to be a small part of that healing. Now I have to work on shutting up and letting them go forward.</p><p>I am dealing with body image issues and doing better than I expected. It's a tough issue but I am doing it.</p><p>Several members of my family have made some awful choices (in my opinion) and they are fine with them. The fact that these choices make my teeth grind is my problem, not their problem, and I am grateful I know this today. I wish them well. I love them with my whole heart and soul.</p><p>We lost people this year that meant a great deal to me - people like Bud and David - but I know they are just fine now. I am grateful to have known them and I acknowledge how much they gave me one day at a time.</p><p>I got to go to Maryland and meet my new mentor and learn more about Scottish Terriers. </p><p>I met some new people in my 12 step program that today I get to call 'friend'. How amazingly wonderful is that? I got to attend Stateline in Las Vegas. My Niners are on their way to the playoffs. My dog is fine. </p><p>Today, in all honesty, I have a joyful life.</p><p>How blessed am I?</p><p><br /></p><p>Happy New Year, everyone.</p>Leslie K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13309112557962726272noreply@blogger.com0