All Hallows Eve

 Tonight is opening night of a community theatre production of The Haunting of Hill House.  I have a very small part.  It has been a lot of fun and a lot of hard work.  I miss my daily routine with my dogs.  

This past week has meant pondering on the nature of grief.  On Monday, out of nowhere, I was broadsided by a wave of it.  Suddenly, opening night was something to dread because THEY were not going to be in the audience.  Upcoming holidays were another reason to just hole up inside and not talk with anyone. The tears flowed, my nose got all stuffed up and red, and my older dog looked at me with such worry it made me cry harder.

Once the cry spell was over I wrote it all out, shared it in a general way, picked up the phone and called someone else and asked how they were doing and then went about my day.  It was grief.  It is normal.  It is nothing to fear unless I try to pretend it isn't real.  

Over the years I have become convinced that the key to this whole Life thing is rooted in honesty - honesty with myself and God and those around me.  I feel that the danger lies in pretending I am NOT feeling sorrow and grief over people dead - some more than two decades dead - because that pretending is rooted in a feeling of failure.  I must not be doing this whole life thing right if I still miss my husband, my Auntie and Uncle, my Dad and my Mom and John.  I must be a bad Catholic, a worse Christian and a lousy practicer of any philosophy that requires a spiritual connection with God. I'm not praying enough or something.

Nah, I don't think so.

I think - and maybe I am wrong - that these flashes of human weakness (missing people and wishing for something not possible) is merely a reminder from God that I need Him.  Because I know it is necessary to turn to Him for comfort.  It reinforces my dependence upon His Grace to get through this life because, without it, I would isolate and withdraw.  Instead, I feel what is happening and then do what He has taught me people like me should do in order to spend our Eternity with Him.  There are actions I have to take and if I do not?  My salvation is at risk.  

I am grateful for being able to miss people today - the ones who loved me, the ones who didn't really like me but tolerated me and the ones who have rejected me - because it reminds me that I am a creature with a Creator.  I am so loved by so many people!  It is amazing and I am soooooo grateful for their love.  I appreciate them, I honor them and I hope they know they are assets in my life.  

But sometimes a gal just misses her Mama or her baby brother or her husband...or her Dad.

And you know what?

That's okay too.

Happy All Hallows Eve.

Here Comes October - Again

 October begins the same time every year so I should not be surprised. Yet every year I feel the same - where did the time go?  

I begin my yearly stroll through the 'did I get this done' inventory of 2025 around this time every year.  I also do my 'should I have' walk.  Should I have spent that money on the new kitchen? Did I get rid of all the stuff in the garage no one wants but me? Have I been the Catholic I should be? 

Doing this kind of yearly self-appraisal does not lead to melancholy for me; rather, I am usually compelled to evaluate where I am on my spiritual journey and the answer is usually the same.  Lacking.  Thats what I am - truly Lacking in becoming the woman I hope will hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant - welcome into the Joy of Heaven".

Recently, when I shared with one of our separated Christians how I view my very intimate and personal relationship with Jesus Christ I could see their eyes glaze over. Yet last night, on a phone call with another Catholic who is also trying his best to walk this path towards Heaven, I was reaffirmed in my struggle towards perfection.  We speak the same language, a language filled with grace and sacraments and knowledge of God's ever present love and forgiveness for us, His creatures.  I slept soundly knowing that there is at least one more person on this planet who gets my walk.

I handed some Catholic books over to a Catholic man yesterday, one who shared with me that his family is deepening their commitment to the Church The Savior founded.  I liked it.  I liked knowing that two little kids were going to get to read about saints and martyrs and two adults now had a good Catechism in their home.  Again, part of my walk.  I spread the Faith, the TRUE Faith where I can and do it despite being told I am unworthy.  In fact, that is WHY I do it.  Unworthy types like me are usually listened to more.  It is our gift. Our dark pasts make us available.  Our daily struggles make us real.

Isn't that what we are supposed to do as Catholics?  

It's Been a Strange Few Days

 Being born in 1955 means I have lived through some turbulent times.  I was raised by parents who experienced the heartbreak of the Great Depression, served their country in WW2 and then had to watch as the very people they worked to raised and educate told them how worthless their lives were during the 1960's and 1970's.

Today there is a different wind blowing and it has picked up steam in the past 10 to 15 years.  Young people - our children and grandchildren - are trying to figure out what went wrong.  They have seen the devastation of drugs and alcohol has had on the family and, for many of them, they have returned to the Faith of their Grand and Great Grandparents.  Their ranks are swelling the Catholic Church.  They are trying to be good fathers and good mothers and I applaud their efforts. 

Like many they become zealous in their quest to be what they didn't have - good parents.  Many of them have become politically active and quite vocal in their belief that a return to an orthodoxy of Christian/Judaic values is the answer to a lot of the crap and horror they experienced as children (at the hands, I might add, of MY generation).  They want to put their families first.  They want to raise children with both parents in the home, with God as their guide.  They reject a lot of the folderol of subjective truth in a quest for Truth and for that quest I also applaud them.

Sometimes I agree with them and other times I do not but that is the way of the world.  My experience has been that these young men and women welcome people like me.  They WANT to hear another perspective, an historical one in many ways and because they want to hear it, oftentimes they are willing to try desperately NOT to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to constructing a loving, real and honest approach to politics, home and education.

Charlie Kirk was murdered on the 10th of September.  Described as a Conservative Activist for the Right, Charlie would visit college campuses and be willing to engage in spirited debate with those who, unfortunately, have been let down by educators and not taught how to do just that - present their ideas without being driven by emotion.   

I did not jump on the Charlie Kirk Bandwagon but I tried to listen to him without the film over my eyes of what I believe should be done in this country.  When I engaged in discussion with him or people like him I would try to bring my historical perspective into the conversation and, as a result, I got to have some GREAT discussions with him and others.  I am not a Trump Supporter.  I do not vote Democrat.  Because of my unique position as someone who has walked away from the Duopoly of American Politics I get listened to by the Right far more than I get listened to by the Left.  That is my experience.  

Mr. Kirk's murder has become a flashpoint for American Politics.  People are tired of the gun and a bullet being used to settle an argument, whether it be a political one or an argument over who gets to sell drugs in a local park, good people are freaking fed up with it.  It reminds me of how it felt in the late 60's when we lost so many of our leaders to the assassin's bullet. 

My prayer is that those who want to make our society a solid one not lose sight of the idea that it can be done.  My prayer is for those who believe that murder is the way to get what they want in this world - that they be converted to Love.  Charlie was NOT always right.  His method of getting attention is not something I approve of but his willingness to debate and keep people on their toes was positive.  We have to keep talking and bullets are not the answer.

And I pray for the women and children caught in the crossfire of hatred.

Lord, hear my prayer

Another First Week of August in the Books

 The first week of August has been a time of reflection for me since 1987.  August 7th, my husband drowned.  I pulled his body from the bottom of the swimming pool where I found him.  Later, at the hospital, I lost the child we had been expecting.  It was not a blob of tissue.  It looked like a little person and I looked at it on the floor of the hospital bathroom and my world shut down.  Hard.  My response to the tragedy of losing them both was hardly graceful and not in the least bit dignified. 

Thirty-eight years later and the life I am living IS full of grace and dignity - with the occasional heavy setback.  I walk with a different idea, different purpose and with the sorrow of that day kind of tucked somewhere in my heart to be used now for those who suffer much worse losses than me.  I lost my child before it had taken a breath outside my body.  I lost my husband who turned out to be the only man who ever loved me enough to want to marry me.  I had a successful marriage and my child is in heaven.  I hope my husband is too. My job, now, is to get there myself so I can (hopefully) worship with him in unity.

Today I get to live and be happy.  I CHOOSE to live and be happy.  I have a way of life that is second to none.  

This does not mean that missing or wondering about what my life could have looked like doesn't cross my mind.  Would my child have brought joy or sadness to the world? Would my husband and I have lived sober, happy lives as good parents and faithful spouses?  

Thinking about the 'might have beens' is just a part of the human experience.  It doesn't mean I am doing something wrong or need more therapy.  I may need more therapy but I am pretty sure that is because some of the older members of my Scottie Club drive me nuts.  No, all it means is I have been given a great gift by my Creator - the Gift of Remembrance.  I am not going to denigrate it by wallowing.  Neither am I going to ignore it because some people believe I should be 'over it' by now.

Oh and if anyone is wondering why I never remarried?

Simple....

Keanu Reeves never met me.

Now, if he would just come to his senses........

Today's Gospel - The Answer to Suffering

 Oh how easy it is to forget what one can do with suffering!  

Today I read a reminder of how protecting myself - the body - leaves me stunted in my ability to live.  The reminder was timely because I have been trying so hard to stay safe, believing that being safe is a right I have rather than a state of being that comes and goes.

I do not have a right to safety; rather, what I have is an opportunity every day to live united with my God.  My God understands what life hands me because He experienced it as a human - being tired, angry, lonely and hungry.  Ultimately, He suffered the greatest evil ever committed on the planet He created, that of His own murder at the Hands of His own creatures.

So I have to remember that God knows.  God knows that when another one of His creatures attacks it is going to sting, it is going to shake my feeling of safety and belonging.  If I can remember that HE knows then when it happens I can react better.  Once again, I can be a better Leslie.

That is always the goal, right?  I want to be better.  I really do want to grow.  I want to be what I want to see - a woman of grace and dignity.

Lord, help me accept Your Grace so that I may live outwardly rather than hunched over defending myself. Help me trust You.

Lord, I believe.

Help my unbelief.