Tonight is opening night of a community theatre production of The Haunting of Hill House. I have a very small part. It has been a lot of fun and a lot of hard work. I miss my daily routine with my dogs.
This past week has meant pondering on the nature of grief. On Monday, out of nowhere, I was broadsided by a wave of it. Suddenly, opening night was something to dread because THEY were not going to be in the audience. Upcoming holidays were another reason to just hole up inside and not talk with anyone. The tears flowed, my nose got all stuffed up and red, and my older dog looked at me with such worry it made me cry harder.
Once the cry spell was over I wrote it all out, shared it in a general way, picked up the phone and called someone else and asked how they were doing and then went about my day. It was grief. It is normal. It is nothing to fear unless I try to pretend it isn't real.
Over the years I have become convinced that the key to this whole Life thing is rooted in honesty - honesty with myself and God and those around me. I feel that the danger lies in pretending I am NOT feeling sorrow and grief over people dead - some more than two decades dead - because that pretending is rooted in a feeling of failure. I must not be doing this whole life thing right if I still miss my husband, my Auntie and Uncle, my Dad and my Mom and John. I must be a bad Catholic, a worse Christian and a lousy practicer of any philosophy that requires a spiritual connection with God. I'm not praying enough or something.
Nah, I don't think so.
I think - and maybe I am wrong - that these flashes of human weakness (missing people and wishing for something not possible) is merely a reminder from God that I need Him. Because I know it is necessary to turn to Him for comfort. It reinforces my dependence upon His Grace to get through this life because, without it, I would isolate and withdraw. Instead, I feel what is happening and then do what He has taught me people like me should do in order to spend our Eternity with Him. There are actions I have to take and if I do not? My salvation is at risk.
I am grateful for being able to miss people today - the ones who loved me, the ones who didn't really like me but tolerated me and the ones who have rejected me - because it reminds me that I am a creature with a Creator. I am so loved by so many people! It is amazing and I am soooooo grateful for their love. I appreciate them, I honor them and I hope they know they are assets in my life.
But sometimes a gal just misses her Mama or her baby brother or her husband...or her Dad.
And you know what?
That's okay too.
Happy All Hallows Eve.
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