Lenten Thoughts

 I love what I learned recently at a retreat held for my Dominican Chapter.  It was suggested that Lent is a time of 'rehab' for the Christian.  

That idea resonates with me.

Each day we go out into the world and we cope.  We cope with all the slings and arrows of day to day life.  We cope with bad news from around the world.  We cope with personal fears, triumphs, failures and that nagging feeling in the pit of our stomachs that we might be falling short of our over all goals.  

This takes a toll on me, I must admit.  I sometimes drag myself back to my home with the feeling inside that I am nursing the wounds I got in that daily battle.  It is made worse by the realization that many of those battle wounds are self-inflicted because I went into the world poorly prepared.  I had forgotten to arm myself properly with His grace.

Regarding the 40 days of Lent as a way to retreat and heal, to rededicate myself to Him and to His Church, to polish my armor so to speak, allows me to direct my focus in a positive rather than negative way.  Yes, I am in the desert with Jesus but not to diminish myself; rather, I am shedding that which holds me back and taking on what I need to move forward into the world.  

I made a joke with a friend recently that I think there must be a website somewhere that provides memes to angry women who have just broken up with someone.  All the memes they post seem to have the same theme:  they are strong warriors that do not need anyone as they bravely enter the world but if they do want someone it is someone who will love them 'just as they are' and support all they do and lift them up and honor their trauma and blah blah blah...it is almost comical in its sadness.  I read them and I get it - I too want the world to just accept me in all my brokenness and still see me as a warrior princess riding a unicorn with a full moon highlighting my flowing hair.  God forbid they see me as an aging woman with baggy skin, creaking joints and eyes swollen from my allergies to almond blossoms.  Please, if you highlight my flowing hair just highlight the parts that cooperated today when I brushed it and not that goofy Alfalfa style cowlick in the back that no amount of hairspray seems to tame for long.

What I know today is that He who loves me accepts me but wants my highest good because He loves me.  While I can bring Him my brokenness, His plan is to heal me of that and to send me out into the world with the command to stop breaking myself through sin.  Stop hurting myself and calling it 'my destiny'.  Stop being less than what I could be - a woman of grace and dignity.

I think my Lenten rehab is just that - my chance to rehabilitate myself and emerge from the desert more than when I went into it.  

This means I must be willing to sacrifice and train and work and keep walking no matter how hot the sun gets.  It means I must rest when I can, give all I have to the Creator of the Universe and stop proclaiming that my broken, sinful self is the best there is when it comes to me.

God wants more from me and is willing to give me the grace to get up the mountain.