The Truth About Self-Examination

 One of the toughest things I struggle with is the value I place on my own suffering.  I constantly talk myself out of expressing how I feel, sharing my good and bad days with another, because I just don't think how I feel is that important.  I care about how you feel, especially if, like me, you deal with the mental illness and physical allergy that is Alcoholism but I can always dismiss my own feelings as just not that big a deal.  

I don't want to wallow.  I do not want to be one of those people who sit squarely in a mound of self-pity and demand that other people provide them with relief - relief they resist because if they avail themselves of it they will not get the attention provided when one says, "I need help" or "I feel bad".  I want to be the person who provides a solution to the problem I bring to the table.  Comfort and understanding is good, but it cannot stop there.  I know my weaknesses and my reverse anger (depression) and reverse pride (no one is as unloved as me) can be dangerous and can, even after 28+ years, lead me back to a drink.

To make a discipline of self-examination is to recognize that I am one among many, a creature and not the Creator, and someone in need of grace.  The act of self examination allows me to practice a true humility but it can also mean I must guard against that self-satisfied smugness that can affect so many.  This assertion that God speaks to me and I am only following His commands when I talk to you or about you can become one more excuse to be 'self will run riot'.  My experience is becoming this:  if God is telling me to chastise you or direct you or school you but my treatment of people around me is arrogant, demanding, self-seeking or otherwise rude?  That might not be God's voice I am hearing in my heart.

Is it possible to be both?   Is it possible to struggle with that self obsessed Narcissism that makes me a demanding "do it my way and why not why not why not" type of person AND be an effective Catechist?

I am not sure.  I am certain there is always value in Truth no matter who speaks it but the value may not include effectiveness.  I cannot imagine someone who is constantly battered by my selfish interests, my nasty mouth, my meanness is going to believe me when I speak of the healing power of the Sacraments.  I think, rather, their reaction will be much like Sister Ignatia's reaction to Dr. Bob Smith when he called her and said he and this friend of his had stumbled upon a 'cure' for Alcoholism. 

 "Have you tried it on yourself?".

I also believe that if I do not admit to the occasional feelings of being down and lonely or sad or in mourning no one is going to believe me when I try to bring comfort to someone else experiencing those emotions.  How can I possibly know what they are going through if I do not admit to the experience?  If people think I float two inches off the ground and commune with God no one is going to think I know what it is like to sit quietly in my livingroom, weeping and missing my parents - both of them, even the bad one.  Without my admission of human weakness my evangelization efforts fall flat.  St. Paul models that for us, right?  

The Truth about Self Examination is this: unless it results in a change, even a minor one, it is worthless.  I lied to someone this morning....and I corrected myself immediately because I know I did it to make them feel like I understood them.  I didn't have to do that, but I did and it was wrong and correcting myself gave them pause because until that moment they thought I was perfect.

Now they know.  Not only am I far from perfect, I am a human being in need of forgiveness and grace.  So, today I will take that sin to the confessional and I will start again.   With that grace comes the chance to not do that kind of self aggrandizing that a narcissist does and it puts my feet plainly on the path towards God.

One day at a time....