Tales of Chronic Pain

I have been sober since May 4, 1992 but I have been dealing with bouts of chronic pain for many years.

Assuming it is genetic, I have become (almost) used to aching, swollen and feverish joints and regular bouts of migraine headaches.  Over the years I have pushed through pain as though it were an afterthought, knowing that I have to go to school/work/meetings/conferences/whatever and also understanding that no one likes a complainer.

Today I am a bit more honest about my struggles.  I say 'a bit' because I still feel uncomfortable telling people about how I feel.  I will post occasionally on FB about dealing with Chronic Pain but I rarely let it stand in my way in terms of participating in life.  I have a lot of sick leave on the books.  I rarely miss a meeting and when someone inevitably leaves one of my classrooms in disarray I push and pull the tables and chairs back into place knowing that I will pay for it later....but also recognizing that the time it takes to track down someone else to do it will be about twice as long as it will take to just do it myself.

Of course that is not good.  Right now I am in line for surgery in June to replace a hip and the pain I feel all through the leg and knee area is awful.  I have offered up the pain.  I have tried to ignore the pain.  I have railed against the pain and I have thrown enough OTC pain meds at it to strangle a horse but the bottom line is I am not happy with the person I am when I am hurting this much.

To my relief (because misery loves company) I am not alone.  Most people my age deal with some sort of chronic pain condition and due to the joys of FB we now share that with each other.  In fact, it is so wide spread that Amazon actually sells something called a 'Hip Kit'.  It is not something the fine young things use; rather, it is a set of items perfect for those people about to undergo a hip replacement - toilet riser, long-range grabber of items off a shelf and something to help you pull your socks up.

Good going, Amazon.

It is so difficult to not be able to run and jump and dance when you want to and there is no consolation in not having run, jumped or danced in a long time anyway.  It is the idea of not being able to, of having to ask someone to help you add salt pellet to the water softener machine because suddenly lifting 50lbs is out of the question when you have a hip about to fracture, that just makes me sad.  Loss of independence, maybe?  Having to accept the fact that I am going to be the little old lady that cannot put up her own Christmas lights?  Maybe....or it could just be that old nemesis of mine: PRIDE.

I don't really mind getting older because it means I have outlived the lifestyle that should have killed me.  What I am sad about - and feel some shame over - is having to be dependent upon others for help with simple stuff.  It just kills me.  I don't want to have to hire someone to put in a new lightbulb in a difficult place to reach...I wanna climb the ladder myself, doggone it!

As a member of the Body of Christ, I need to remember that my asking for help provides another person with a chance to exercise virtue.  As a Dominican, I know that begging means others have a chance to be generous.

As a prideful woman, asking for help means I am weak and vulnerable and I hate that!

Today my prayer is to let go of the pride, to be able to accept my limitations and not be ashamed of having to ask for help.  If I can do that, I can demonstrate how powerful God is when He removes that character defect of mine and gives me the opportunity to be real.  I tear down another wall....and let in a little sunshine.