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Friday, September 4, 2015

Good Bye and Good Luck

I am preparing to say good bye to someone who, for almost two decades, has been a very important part of my life.  I have loved them, shared secrets with them and revealed more of myself to them than to any other person outside of my mother or my 12 Step Sponsor.  Even my priest does not know me as well, because this person has seen the best and the worst of me outside the confessional. I thought they would never not be in my life. 

Being disappointed by the actions of a human being is a story as old as man.  I am sure Adam was disappointed in Eve and I know for a fact that Jesus was disappointed in Judas.  I have deeply wounded and disappointed people I loved and have been banished from their lives.  I have been deeply wounded and disappointed by people I love and have shouldered on, bound by my Faith and my Religion to forgive them and give them to God, no matter what they did.  I am glad for that, really, because without that I would be one of those whiny women who never got to have a good relationship with their father.   After all, he was not Father of The Year...but today, because of my Faith and my Religion, I can say that I miss him.

I am hardly different from anyone else on the planet who has chosen, deliberately and intentionally, to live to the best of their ability this thing called Catholicism.  My difference lies in this:  I understand that not living fully up to the standards does not make me a hypocrite as long as I believe in those standards and am willing to keep trying.  I am not a hypocrite if I  admit to and apologize for my errors and keep trying.  I may be a lousy Catholic; I am, however, a sincere one.

This means, of course, that despite what happened with this person I have to forgive them....and sometimes, I don't wanna play nice or fair.  Sometimes I want to be the one that holds a grudge and refuses to speak to someone.  Sometimes, I want someone to just say, "I'm sorry" when they hurt me.

What makes this good bye so difficult is that the person does not admit to doing much of anything wrong.  I am stunned by this - how could you take an action that made someone so uncomfortable they did not want to come to work and not just admit to it, say "that was really dumb and I am sorry" ?  How can you outright lie about something you said and not take the responsibility for hurting someone's work life? 

I am, unfortunately, still kind of wishing for an apology and that is my mistake.  I am hoping for some recognition for all I have done over the last 18 years to be there, be supportive, be loving and kind and that is just foolishness on my part.  It is also selfish and self-centered.  Did I help them because I loved them or did I help them so I could be recognized for being such an outstanding human being?  Was I expecting something in return?  If I was, well shame on me.  If, however, I did it because it was the right thing to do at the time then I better get over feeling hurt over their actions.  They made a mistake.  They will not cop to it.  Let it go, for the love of Christ (truly, for the Love of Christ) and wish them well.

It is a sign of my own weak nature that I would welcome a "thank you for all you did and I am so sorry I hurt you".

I am preparing to say good bye to someone today.  I am hoping that by writing out how I feel and expressing what I should feel I will be able to act towards them without rancor.  I want to be kind, loving and graceful rather than mean and spiteful.  I do not want them to hurt like I hurt.  I want their life to be filled with grace and love and light.

Really.  I really, really do.

God help me reach my goal - and bless them, change me.

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