I re-read a blog post of mine from 2008. With the exception of a editing issue (I hate it when I find a mistake seven years after I wrote something) I was impressed with both the experience related and the courage with which I expressed it. I guess time does change people because I have become less willing to be beaten up for what I believe. That is not good. In fact, that reflects a marked lack of faith on my part and it may be time to step up my spiritual discipline in order to rekindle the fire.
Perhaps it is because I have lost so much. I have no doubt my own foolishness aided my inability to keep family members I loved in my life and I accept my part. I have apologized and attempted to make amends. I cannot do any more.
Perhaps it is because I have become so discouraged by the world around me. It feels hostile and ugly - far uglier than seven years ago when I was a baby supervisor and struggling to get my bearings as someone in authority. Facebook has made any type of meaningful dialogue or discussion almost impossible. People post inflammatory videos, memes, sayings, quotes as a way to provoke some sort of reaction and then get wigged out if they do get a reaction. I am beginning to understand why people just want to post pictures of their lunch. I am thinking posting pictures of the dog, the cats and quotes from the saints might be the best way to go from now on.
Maybe I am just tired. I have faced down a lot of disappointment and while I do not expect a life of skipping through roses it does sometimes feel as though I am slogging uphill through mud that is three feet thick.
Whatever it is, I think I am running into a very human state: I want my way and I want it now and when I don't get it, I get all down in the mouth and hurt and upset and whiny. If I am not immediately gratified my feathers get ruffled.
Sounds a little immature, no?
Everyone of us struggles with some form of immaturity. Whether it manifests as pride (either being overly shy or overly assertive) or sloth (refusing to work as hard as we should but expecting all the results of those who do) or any other sin, immaturity is probably one of the biggest stumbling blocks in the road of the average human being. I watch grown men and women freak out over things that really do not matter in the grand scheme of things and yet totally ignore that which does matter - the state of their immortal soul. Rather than worry about my getting to heaven, I worry about whether I get enough 'likes' on Facebook. Rather that be concerned with Jesus' opinion of me, I am concerned with the opinion of posters on the Modesto Bee Website.
I do think I need to recharge my spiritual batteries. I am reading the book Imitation of Christ right now, slowly - maybe a paragraph at a time, every morning - and I am seeing my own shortcomings shining through like a harsh spotlight. It is pretty difficult for me, right now, to like anyone...because, quite frankly, I am not real happy with myself.
SO...what to do...what to do....
I think I will go receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation this weekend. I believe I will spend some quality time with my little Scottie who has become such a beautiful light in my life. I think I will spend time with relatives I have not seen for many years and I will, of course, go to Mass and receive Jesus in the Eucharist.
If that does not recharge the old spiritual battery I don't know what else will...so keep me in prayer, my friend....I will always pray for you.