Learning to walk with grace and dignity is not an easy thing to do. In the past year I have had to do things like block people on Facebook, refuse to engage in online discussions and withdraw from friendships that were causing me and my family physical and emotional pain. It has not been an easy year, but it has been a good one because I have grown. I have learned to take difficult action and to do so from a position of Love rather than anger.
I do not hate any of these people. They may consider my writings 'passive agressive' or label my posts 'subtweets'. I chose not to use specific names or situations to protect them, not to hurt them. If they wish to accuse me of being evil, go ahead. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I did not do anything wrong. Those who wish to believe otherwise are free to do so, but I am not interested in your opinion. Please share it with someone else. If they wish to speak directly to me about their feelings it is to be done in public with witnesses, so that my safety is assured.
None of this is easy but the last I checked no one ever promised me that my life would be easy.
In the previous week I was handed a real heart breaking disappointment. I had hoped to be able to get a job closer to home but I was not chosen for the position, though I got really close and those who had put my name forward for that job were shocked that I didn't get picked. Because of this, I will have a really long commute and I will be further from my 93 year old mother in the event she needs me.
As you can imagine I was really hurt and sad. I felt rejected. My ego was bruised. I was embarrassed. I felt just awful. I cried and I wondered why and fell into a bit of despair and wondered what was wrong with me.
I will never know why I was rejected but I can speculate. Because I will never know I will need to accept this and move on.
While I know I have to accept this situation - after all, I cannot change it - I wondered what it was about the emotions I felt around losing this job that could lead me to deeper spiritual growth.
During this particular Season, the Season of Lent, I am praying with my Catholic community and meditating on the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness, fasting and preparing for the Greatest Act of Love ever witnessed by human beings. I am focused on the Paschal Mystery and what my Lord and Savior experienced when He sacrificed all for me.
He was hounded and molested and misunderstood. He was falsely accused by those whose feathers He ruffled and eventually He was beaten and murdered by authorities who wanted Him to shut up.
My tiny little feelings of being rejected, of not being loved, wanted or good enough or whatEVER pale in comparison to what my Savior did for me. Yet, in that small example, He allows me to enter slightly into His Passion. He proves to me that I have a God that knows exactly what it feels like to be considered 'not enough' - and we, as people, continue to reject Him every time we give in to sin.
I am blessed - I did not fall deeper into despair. I am blessed - I can go to Mass this morning without having to worry about being murdered simply because I WANT to go to Mass. I am blessed - I have a job, I have a nice place to live, I have my health and I have people in my life who love me and challenge me without being cruel or constantly angry.
I cannot complain about my life - how wonderful is that?
How blessed am I to be able to experience all this during the Season of Lent.
I am off to Mass. Thank you for letting me share!