I am thinking today about what those who do not suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction see when they look at people like me.
It has to be confusing to them. We seem to love being in trouble - we love 'the sin' in their eyes. We choose drugs and alcohol over family, friends, work, school. It has to be confusing.
It has to be confusing. People like me promise over and over again to stop and to get our acts together. We mean it too. We mean it when we say it and we mean it when we are trying so hard to not take that first drink or make that call to the guy who has the magic powder. Yet, over and over again, we take that first drink or we make that call. It has to be confusing.
Today I read a very intelligent woman's comment about people like me loving the sin more than we love the Lord and I cannot speak to other alkies or addicts but I can tell you without reservation that was not true for me. I was horribly miserable the last two to five years of my drinking. I wanted more than anything to be a woman of grace and dignity. I wanted to go back to The Church. I wanted to be someones wife, someones mother. All I could seem to do was drink and smoke cocaine and I remember sitting in a closet, weeping because of the horror I had become and the absolute fear I had that this was it. I would never be anything but what I was - a loser, a complete total loser. A gutter drunk. A woman who had killed her own children rather than stop. A woman who had walked so far from God and His Church that I knew those people there would never welcome me back. I was hopeless. I was the worst thing on the earth.
It has to be confusing.
Something that most Normies (those who do not have the abnormal reaction to alcohol I have) never consider is that people like me are stone cold sober each time we drink.
Why?
I can only speak for myself.
Being sober, for me, is a painful experience when it is just me, just Leslie, trying to traverse the world. I never understand what you people are doing, thinking or saying. You all seem so together, so smart and happy. I try so hard to fit in, to be a small part of a greater whole, and quite frankly I just cannot do it. You all scare me. You are smarter than me, and you are dumber than me and you think your better and you think I am worthless and I am better and I am worthless and you seem to have the answers and I cannot even formulate the questions.
It is all very, very confusing.
And when I drink?
All that goes away....and I am just fine.
Why would I not continue to do that?
I never meant to get drunk, I just wanted to feel normal. What I did not know is that when I put alcohol into my system, it flips a switch and I cannot stop drinking.
And when I am sober - and it is just me, just Leslie - I feel scared, out of place, confused,weary and so very, very alone.
So what happened to change things for me?
I heard someone else say almost the exact same thing - and I suddenly realized that what he was describing was what I was experiencing and what he was describing was alcoholism.
Who knew?
I know it is confusing...I get it. I understand.
For some reason, hearing someone else describe what I was feeling gave me hope. See, this man had been sober for a long, long time and he claimed he had done it through the appropriate 12 step program...and that is where I found my sobriety.
Because of my sobriety, I found my way home to Holy Mother Church.
Because of being home, I found my way to The Order of Preachers.
Today I have over 22 years of continuous sobriety. I go to three meetings a week, sponsor 14 people and I am in service. I also am in service in my Parish - as a Catechist, a Lector and a member of Parish Council.
Sometimes, when I am sitting in a meeting or at Mass, I think to myself, "WOW - how did this happen?".
And I know....it is because I am no longer sober just me, just Leslie...today I am sober through the grace of God.
Today - for me - it is no longer confusing. And when I see intelligent people being confused, I can understand.
Please pray for those of us who cannot find their way home. They don't mean to hurt you . They do not love what they are doing more than you.
They just cannot stand to be sober.
3 comments:
Are you *currently* being sent into Hell forever ... automatically excommunicated (outside) of God’s Catholic Church ?
Answer: Yes you are ... you can reverse it ... please continue.
Council of Florence, Session 8, 22 Nov 1439 -- infallible Source of Dogma >
"Whoever wills to be saved, before all things it is necessary that he holds the Catholic faith. Unless a person keeps this faith whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall perish eternally."
You must believe the Catholic Dogma to be in the Church ... Dogma you have *never* seen.
Site > Immaculata-one.com ... infallible Dogma throughout.
The Catholic Faith *is not* Bible interpretation ... it is the Catholic infallible Sources of Dogma. The Catholic Church didn’t even define the Bible’s New Testament Canon until 397 A.D. at the Council of Carthage.
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Can a group which enforces the opposite, the opposite, and the opposite of the Catholic unchangeable Dogma be the Catholic Church?
No, it cannot possibly be the Catholic Church ... and promotion of the opposite of the Catholic Dogma is exactly what the vatican-2 heretic cult does ... and has been doing since it’s founding on 8 December 1965 at the Vatican.
The vatican-2 heresy does not have the Office of the Papacy ... only the Catholic Church has the Papacy.
The Dogma cannot “change” or be “reversed” ... God does not “change”.
The founding documents of the vatican-2 heretic cult … the “vatican-2 council” documents … have well over 200 heresies *against* prior defined unchangeable Dogma. Every (apparent) bishop at the “council” approved the mountain of heresy, which caused their automatic excommunication, see Section 13.2 of the below site.
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Section 12 > Anti-Christ vatican-2 heresies (50 listed) ... followed by many Catholic corrections.
Sections 13 and 13.1 > Photographic *proof* of heresy at the Vatican.
Because of … the Catholic Dogma on automatic excommunication for heresy or for physical participation in a heretic cult (such as the v-2 cult) …
… we were all placed, body and soul, *outside* of Christianity (the Catholic Church) on 8 December 1965 … the close date of the “council”.
Section 13.2 > Catholic Dogma on automatic excommunication for heresy or participating in a heretic cult such as ... vatican-2, lutheran, methodist, evangelical, etc.
Section 107 > St. Athanasius (died 373 A.D.) ... “Even if the Church were reduced to a handful ...” - - during the “arian” heresy ... we are there again, but worse.
Section 13.3 > Matt 16:18, Gates of Hell scripture ... is *not* about the Office of the Papacy ... four Dogmatic Councils defined it ... that heresy will not cause the Dogma to disappear.
Section 13.4 > The vatican-2 heretic cult does not have the Office of the Papacy only the Catholic Church has the Papacy.
Section 13.6 > The Catholic Dogma on Jurisdiction and Automatic Excommunication for heresy define that ... God has allowed Catholic Jurisdiction ... for Mass and Confession to disappear from the world. There is no such thing as Catholic Mass outside of the Catholic Church.
Non-Catholic heresies such as “vatican-2”, “sspx”, “sspv”, “cmri”, etc. ... do not have Catholic Mass.
Section 19.1 > Dogma on Abjuration for *re-entering* Christianity (the Catholic Church) … after being automatically excommunicated. A Formal Abjuration is provided here also.
Section 10.2 > Returning to a state of grace, in places and times when Confession is not available, like now.
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Second Council of Constantinople, 553 A.D. -- infallible Source of Dogma >
"The heretic, even though he has not been condemned formally by any individual, in reality brings anathema on himself, having cut himself off from the way of truth by his heresy."
Blessed John Eudes, died 1680 >
“The greatest evil existing today is heresy, an infernal rage which hurls countless souls into eternal damnation.”
Everything you must know, believe, and do to get to Heaven is on > > Immaculata-one.com.
Victoria
Our Lady of Conquest
Pray for us
I have published this comment as a demonstration of my unwillingness to censor someone who is not being foul mouthed or threatening. However, be advised, I do not share this person's views and believe in the validity of Vatican II and that the promise of Our Lord is fulfilled when one is in communion with Rome.
Leslie,
I try to remember not to hold others hostage for their perception. I know a lot of well-meaning Catholics and Protestants who *know* all about alcoholism, and *know* the solution. In most cases, that solution is not something that worked for you and me. It is a difference in experience, a hammer and nail problem. Consequently, I am careful and prudent with whom I reveal my anonymity with. I have had a few interactions with parish members who enthusiastically offer up both solutions to my “problem”, and criticisms of my chosen solution. It is almost like talking with a person like the one who left their advice to you in the comments section, a strange hybrid of a Catholic Canon lawyer and Seventh Day Adventist. But I could be wrong, as it is my perception that informs me of this.
Robert
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