Well, what a fabulous weekend!
I did NOTHING on Friday night. Or should I word that as, "Nothing of note". I had dinner with Mom and then just sacked out for the evening, played computer games, read some more in the Sherry Waddell book Intentional Disciples, washed my hair, played with the dog (Duffy the Wonder Scottie) and generally had a very lazy and relaxing Friday night. I loved every minute of it. These nights are rare and treasured and I felt as though I was on a vacation.
Saturday was a busy day - meetings of my 12 Step program, the gym, personal maintenance (gotta get the nails done!) and then a drive to San Jose to speak at a large gathering of what I like to call 'like minded and similarly afflicted people'. It was a smaller than usual group for that meeting - only 287 showed up - but that's because there was a Halloween Costume party across the town and when you are young and in sobriety, what is better? Listening to someone like me or dressing up as a Zombie French Maid holding a clever dripping blood? I mean, come ON...I may be old but even for ME that is a no brainer.
I wanted to share something with all of you that was said to me on Saturday morning. It gave me pause and it made me blush and it made me happy.
You all know that I struggle with the cross of being single in a world that does not value singleness and in a Church that emphasizes the importance of families (hopefully large ones) while still calling people like me important (I'm a Widow and we are considered treasurers of The Church - enough so that St. Lawrence was willing to die for that concept so it is obviously important). I look (often) at my life and think, "What happened here?' - especially in the past two years after being soundly rejected and routinely punished with banishment by those I thought would always love me. It has been a real struggle - I don't get to punish or banish and still receive The Eucharist - but I have tried to be open, honest and real about that struggle with you (my loving readers) and with the men and women I have the honor and privilege to sponsor in my 12 step program.
It is important, I believe, that no one I come in contact with in the rooms of sobriety think that 21 plus years means everything is a smooth ride. They need to know that we struggle and we struggle successfully - success being defined as staying sober and staying in touch with all of you and with God.
That being said, I am willing to admit I can be caught up in self pity just as much as the next alcoholic and sometimes that shames me into remembering how damn good I have it right NOW even if I do not have everyone or everything in my life that I think I should have.
Saturday morning one of the ladies I am blessed to have in my life as a sponsee said, "I think sometimes that God may have made your life different from what you wanted because if you hadn't been here, what would have ever become of me?".
And that just stopped me in my tracks...what, indeed?
Now, I hope I am not arrogant enough to think that God would not have condemned her to a life of drunkenness and hopelessness just because I happen to have a couple of grand kids to take to the park instead of no one and lots of time on my hands. However, I am now more aware than ever that her perception of sobriety includes ME. Right now, because she is only 6 months sober, she cannot imagine ME being anyone else.
That will, of course, change, and that is as it should be - my sobriety includes some amazing men and women and I cannot imagine myself being without ANY of them, even the ones who hurt me.
For now, however, I am very grateful for her love.
Today I can imagine my life being very different.
What I cannot imagine is my life being any better.