This afternnon I prayed: I have no love for half-hearted me: for my love is for your law.
I prayed it, but I don't really mean it.
Most of the men in my life are half-hearted. I am not judging, I am simply reporting the facts. The majority of the men that are related to me by blood or marriage ar not strong in their Faith. In fact most have been infected with the 'Jesus and Me' blasphemy that is all the rage today. A left over reaction from the "let it all hang out" 1960's, the 'Jesus and Me' emphasizes that there is no need for a Church, no need for Sacred Liturgy and (most important) no need for Authority of any kind. All truth is relative anyway and if it feels good then it must be God's Will.
I also prayed: Leave me, you who do evil; I will keep God's command. If you uphold me by your promise I shall live; let my hopes not be in vain.
One time I said to my confessor, "If I cut off everyone in my life living lives defined by selfishness and sin I would be a modern day hermit. In fact, I would not even be able to talk to myself because there are days I fit into that category myself, quite neatly and without a second thought!"
The idea behind the prayers in today's Liturgy of the Hours brings to mind the idea of Christian life. I wish I had no love for half-hearted men but the best I can muster at this time is to hate the sin and love the sinners. I wish I could simply command those around me who do evil to leave me and never darken my door again but a lot of them show up asking for help with homework or a ride to the mall. I have to be able to balance the behavior with my mission of being an example of how Holy Mother Church works in individual lives and I cannot do that if I am never talking to them, never seeing them, never asking them, "How was your day?".
I prayed: Sustain me and I shall be saved and ever observe your commands. you spurn all who swerve from Your statutes; their cunning is in vain.
I hope, often, that I am not thinking my way into excuses. I hope, as I ask to be sustained, that my need to have connections in the world is not keeping me from spiritual growth. I do believe one of my biggest weaknesses is the need to feel connected to other human beings. Yes, I understand it is normal and natural - that man is a social animal - but I also know that total abandonment to God's Will means the turning away from my own. I think, and I could be wrong, that losing that last need for the world is the struggle of all those who have made a concious decision to walk towards Truth, one day at a time.
Today pray even though I know I am far from the ideal Catholic woman. Today, I pray the Liturgy of the Hours in order to BE connected to the Church, which is far different from wanting to FEEL connected to anyone. And while I understand I have a lot to learn about being a holy woman, I hope that trying counts for something in my Savior's Eyes.
I prayed today:
O God, the nations have invaded our land, they have profaned your holy temple. They have made Jerusalem a heap of ruins. They have handed over the bodies of your servants as food to feed the birds of heaven and the flesh of our faithful to the beasts of the earth.
May I stay strong, may I please keep walking towards heaven...may I not lose heart in the struggles ahead.
Lord, hear my prayers.