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Thursday, May 10, 2012

I don't like change...says the girl who changed everything

I have to admit I cannot stand this new format GOOGLE unveiled for it blogs.  It is Google, right?  I am starting to get confused as to what I am hooked/linked/attached to when I post. I am sure I will get used to it but right now it is confusing and difficult to use because, well, it is different. 

No one called me and asked if this could be changed, unless there was some sort of online agreement button I clicked without really reading all the fine print.  At which point I bow to my own ignorance and take full responsibility for the changing format that I now hate.

Things have been tough around the old homestead.  Mom is 90.  She is probably in better shape than most people her age, with the possible exception of those 90 year olds out there that run marathons in order to prove how fit they are (ridiculous thing for anyone to do...sorry, Marathon Runners).  However, with all the stress caused by another relative's bad behavior, Mom has not been herself for awhile.  And because I am the kid that didn't leave (yes, for all those out there who believe living with a parent is somehow indicative of being a loser, I am that loser.  Deal with it) I am the kid that gets the brunt of the attacks.  And, because of circumstances beyond my control, I am dealing with the anger and the animosity as though I were an only child. 

It is very difficult being the Last Catholic Standing in one's own home.  It is also very difficult to always, no matter what the issue, be on the wrong side of history.  When I was 22 and believed the government's job was to create a secular Utopia through forced mandates and tons of legislation, I was the family punching bag for being too Liberal.  Now, after working for the government for 25 years and seeing how incredibly inefficient it is BECAUSE of all that legislation my generation pushed on ourselves, I am again on the wrong side of the argument in my own home.  I am suddenly an unfeeling Fascist, despite that fact that I am the one in the trenches with those who need help. 

Ah, well.  I suppose I can take comfort in the thoughts of Mother Teresa of Calcutta who believed that suffering was given to us as a gift from Jesus Christ.  Through suffering, we are allowed to participate in the salvation of mankind.  Considering how things have been around my house since last July I should have (by now) participated in the salvation of the population of a small city the size of Concord, California.

Despite the jokes and my ultimate faith in God, the reality is I do not want to go home tonight.  I am grateful I belong to a 24/7 gym AND that there is a 24/7 Adoration chapel near my house AND I can always hit a meeting.  I do not want to go home to the hostility, the anger, the sadness, the depression that is my house right now.  I am praying all the time that she be given the relief she seeks but I cannot help her.  She refuses to go to the doctor, she refuses to do anything other than poke and poke and poke and then, when I am in tears, spend the next several hours apologizing.

It is just sad.

So....what to do? what to do?

I can pray.  I can refuse to let her behavior dictate my own.  I can trust Jesus, clean house and help others.

And I can go to the gym a lot.

Thanks, everyone...even a good Catholic drunk needs to vent once in a great while.

1 comment:

chimakuni said...

Venting is good ... I am asking St. Damien of Molokai to pray for you, my dear one. I love you!