Mom exploded on me today. Usually I can take it. I know she has been through a lot and that one of her children is currently taking great joy in hoping she dies soon and is out of his hair. Today, however, I was only able to bite my tongue for an hour and then I exploded right back.
I hate that - I don't like getting angry and I know that, as an alcoholic, even justifiable anger is dangerous. I went for a two hour drive (missing the first half of the Niner game, which means I was really pissed off), bought a pack of cigarets and tried to smoke one (it tasted awful and I had to put it out) and now I am just hiding in my room.
Normally I remember that there are just certain things I can talk to Mom about and I keep the rest to myself. I cannot talk about my fear of being pushed out of this house after her death because she hears "I cannot wait for you to die". I cannot talk about the hard work I do because she hears "I am the only one who works in the whole family poor poor pitiful me".
Maybe it is my tone of voice. I do not know why she hears what she hears - the house thing is because of the person my sibling has chosen to put into his life right now; she is a conniving and manipulative woman and I fear her coming after me in order to get what little we have for herself and her children.
So today I decided that I am going to contact the attorney for the trust and just tell him to take me off of everything. I would rather sleep in my car than worry about that woman and I will never bring it up to my mother again. Besides, I have never lived my life waiting for someone to die so I can inherit something. It is just a house, right? Who gives a flying leap.
Her explosion at me today really hurt. I have tried for the past 19 years to make amends to her for the past and whenever I think I have made some sort of progress this happens and I get accused of some of the sickest crap and meanest stuff - and I am tired.
I know that Jesus was accused of a lot of really awful stuff too and maybe I am starting to get a glimmer of what my real suffering here is supposed to be - the fact that I am a lousy catechist when it comes to my own family, the fact that a woman I admire very much and love with all my heart still sees me as a hopeless and unpredictably alcoholic who cannot be trusted to do anything right - maybe this is my cross. Maybe I am supposed to be one of those people that strangers like and who is rejected by her blood family? I don't know.
Look, I don't want to sound whiny and I hope I don't - I am really just very very very confused about what has happened here today. I woke up feeling sick but ok, just a cold, was having (I thought) a nice conversation with Mom and then suddenly I am waiting for her to die and she is telling me she is sorry she has lived so long and that I don't ever pay attention to the financial news and blah blah blah...what the WHAT????
So, forgive me, Lord. I yelled at my mother and told her to just stop and leave me alone. I cannot take the verbal abuse from her or anyone else anymore. If I could, I would leave tonight.
Maybe I should..just go to a hotel for a day or two and get out of here.....
no...I will just keep the door shut.
St Dominic, lead me down the right path here because I am one confused alcoholic Dominican.